Happy International Women's Day!

I have put off writing for far too long and this seems like an opportune time to go viral. I am light hearted with joy in celebrating women today. It is a day of reflection on all the strong women that have surrounded me throughout my life – my mother, my sisters (one deceased), my friends, my colleagues and women of influence that opened their doors for me have conversations with them … I thank you!

Women endure a lot and some of us make it look easy but we all have our story. Here’s a test or maybe a reminder of what it means to be woman. You may have a check mark next to each on the sample list or maybe just a few.  Extra bonus points for those checked everything on the list:

o  Guilty of allowing a partner to define you

o  Parent or Mother or gave birth to child/children

o  Survived cancer

o  Marriage ended because of partner’s infidelity

o  Once terminated by a man who is a serial dater/extra marital affair,  has no moral values

o  Supported a family member with mental health illness

o  Realized there is a scarcity of honest people in the world

o  Was raped and abused physically, mentally, spiritually, emotionally, verbally, financially by partner

o  Have had to wipe the tears from your child’s face as she shared the hurt/pain of actions and words of her father

o  Supported a family member who attempted/committed suicide

o  Unknowingly hosted an adulteress as a dinner guest who was having an affair with your spouse/partner in your home

o  Your partner admits to sexual confusion because his first love was his male cousin

o  You have participated in many cleansing methods to find your soul: Angel Cards, therapy, hypnosis, smudging, meditation, reiki, art therapy, self-help books, call up a friend, a friend takes you to a Landmark Forum, emptied a bottle of wine, endless prayers, frequent visits to Church+ Mosque+Temples, push yourself physically by running or riding, stayed up all night auditing your life, join every community volunteer group to give back as a distraction, or cooked non-stop

o  Cried in the shower to hide your pain from your child

o  Borrowed money from a friend to make ends meet

o  Struggle to find yourself again

o  A parent died

o  A sibling died

o  Feel threaten because partner owns guns

o  Had to remove your child from a bad situation and became homeless

Here’s the spoiler – I have them all checked off! Yes, I know, I don’t fit the profile.  I don’t wear the word victim well nor do I need your sympathy.  It’s all part of life. I know, this blog is a whole lot of sharing. Please don’t feel sorry for me. I have never played the victim. 

Recently, I was invited to come out and speak to a group of women about “Women in Politics” and decided to speak about something they will encounter for sure – in appropriate sexual behavior in the work place. I talked about the most bothersome aspect of government. They have policies and public service by-laws and everyone tip toe around inappropriate sexual behavior in the work place. There are no regulations that explicitly states what the course of action should be in the case of extra-marital affairs in the work place. Yet, it happens. Everyone talks about it. The rules are so grey that it is interpreted as 50 Shades of Grey. Yet, adultery must have been a big thing way back when Moses created the 10 Commandments (God’s Law for Moral Conduct) because it was mentioned twice:   Commandment #7 Thou shalt not commit adultery and #10 Thou shalt not covet anything that is the neighbour …wife. Clearly this has been around for a long time, yet government is too embarrassed to admit sexual misconduct exist in such a large institution. Having CLEAR policies in place is the first step to admitting and addressing the new-found culture of the organization. I hear senior staff says all the time – everyone is doing it. It’s not like they are hurting the organization.

I told the group of young women that I spoke to that there will be many barriers ahead of them as a woman – equity and equality is a constant fight and at some point, in their professional career they will encounter infidelity.  Some senior management seem to think this is an entitlement. One could never go up against them because they are the rock stars of the organization. We have a fundamental problem – Senior Government employees should not be regulating themselves; but they do. Most definitely not around sexual misconduct and exploitation. 

Women are too intimidated to come forward because no one would believe them, or their name will be smeared as the trouble maker, or they will be litigated to death, it may be a career limiting move to talk about it, maybe by-stander apathy. One should be aware that a lot is at stake if women did come forward – their career and reputation. It is just asking a lot of someone who is a low-level employee as they will be putting their job on the line - professional suicide. There is no legislated obligation where government is obligated to investigate and make room to listen. Just think about it, one would be complaining about the senior management, who are “Rock Stars” in the hierarchy to another member of the boys’ club. Women are so underrepresented in the organization in the executive offices and elsewhere that the power imbalance remains a big problem. This needs to be addressed to stop people from abusing their position. Nothing gets done because often no record of sexual misconduct is documented. Perhaps stress leave is code for sexual misconduct. We have to ask ourselves when we see a recurring pattern in a number that should be considered significant – what is it that is stopping us from creating accountability mechanism that really address this? There are bigger questions as well – if two employees of an organization are married to each other and the woman is raped by the man – is this treated different that if she was on a date with boss and was raped? Should dating employees be working together or should there be rules of immediate disclosure? Do you believe 90% of it is work in the case of the extra marital affairs with the boss and subordinate? I told them their role is support other women who speak up under these difficult circumstances. It wouldn’t be easy but the enablers would put up barriers e.g. ask them to sign a non-disclosure to silence them. The enablers are the ones who allow this to happen. The Political Rock Stars do not function alone. They are protected by the enablers who watch it happen and say nothing as they sit in complacency. It is a disgusting by-product of the political boys’ club who have too much power. Sometimes so much power that it is quite intimidating. 

Infidelity in the work place is one of the best kept secret, that people have often taken to the grave. It teaches us about ourselves and our relationships with others. For people who are betrayed (staff members, the spouses, taxpayers) it shatters their grand ambition of trust. It is a massive violation of trust which can break the whole business relationship and ruin the success of the organization. As a taxpayer, will you feel comfortable doing business with someone who engage in the game of infidelity?  If you ask the majority of the population, you will find out the majority approximately 80% have been affected by infidelity either directly or indirectly. It is as traumatic for women looking on in the work place as it is for the families attached to the participants.

What do children do with this reality or young women or summer students in the work place? How do they make sense of this? This is now a work place crisis and a scandal. The general conversation is that this is one of the worse things that can happen in the workplace. This is a deal breaker in a personal relationship. Why is it not a deal breaker in a professional relationship with the employer? The line is not clearly defined in institutions. What effects can affairs have on the work place? It breaks working relationships. It becomes a crisis in the work place and talked about once it is uncovered. The office affair goes through a sequence of steps – from a massive crisis of confusion to shattered reality of breaks of the narrative of office and after work events. One cannot predict the future but they can remember the past – the closed office doors, the early morning visit to the desk, the intense conversations during the after-work drinks, the uncomfortable conversation/ private jokes, the texting that is exchanged after hours, the regular morning coffee, the in-office special birthday party, the promotional opportunities that now labelled as bias or hiring conflict of interest. When the past is put into question, the entire office reality is questioned.

What is your definition of infidelity? Grabbing a drink to discuss spousal issues is a big no! no! If it is followed by subsequent conversation by text and then become exceedingly more flirtatious - NO! The behavior then extends to inappropriate comments of a very sexual nature? The whole question of consent when one is drinking after work comes into question.   It is social media chats, massage with happy endings, using work as an excuse to spend time together, life-long double life, porn watching, chatting on Facebook, regular coffee breaks, extended lunches, flirting in the meeting room or coffee room? When the energy in the work space is offensive behavior – that sets the stage. Predatory behavior by men and women in government environment should not be tolerated. Yes, there are women that are equal participant and should admit to their actions. Infidelity is sexual misconduct on both parties. Hopefully the #MeTooGovt movement would ignite taxpayers and the media to discuss the abuse of power of men in high powered positions as it is no way to conduct business. Taxpayers should be clear that they are not able to listen to people who abuse women or participate in the game of infidelity. This is someone who no longer fit in line to today’s culture. Who is policing this? I know few in the government environment that would say that they are shocked about back behavior from senior staff. This is part of the continuum of high powered men that use their position to influence and treat women in a derogatory way. This sort of behavior has long stood since the beginning of my career. Try speaking up=professional suicide. I warned about the system run around they would encounter – first they may be terminated. Senior staff will then be told to disassociate themselves from them. Don’t try calling the Mayor’s Office – you will be referred to the Ombudsman office. That office will tell you they are only responsible for services e.g. the taxpayer not getting a reimbursement. They would suggest you call the fraud and waste line. The human rights office would say that they will no longer speak to you because you are not an employee. Go to the Employee Union – arbitration takes 1-3 years. Senior staff sitting in the seats of change will not return your calls as they are not afraid of legal consequences or afraid to admit it exist. You may be sent to Labour Relations; but guess who signs the pay cheque for Labour Relations? No one wants to talk about inappropriate sexual behaviors and if they do, one senior staff will inform another and they will now reference the non-disclosure silencer. Clearly, one would have to think this through thoroughly to even challenge this behavior or admit that the silencers work. You are now label as the bitter employee. Some senior staff exercise deafening silence because of greed and self-interest e.g. wants a project done or this would disrupt a planned promotional strategy. Other staff in high positions chose not to speak out, even if they disagree; because they are hedging on a bet that they would get covered in the future, so I would look the other way and condone his behavior. A lot of women fear what would happen to them so they cannot speak up. So powerful is that fear, that women in senior positions may not speak up. See, the perpetrator may be good to other silent senior management at some point in the future.  This person also holds the key and will likely sit on a panel to interview you for opportunities to further your career. There were times where I felt like my intelligence or analytical abilities should be celebrated; instead women who used their bodies are kept in the work place as a demonstration of its culture. It seems to be the new passage for young female employees. One young lady brought up politicians like Ford or Trump. Do we even need these reminders? Some argue that if leadership fundamental values are that of the Liberal, actions would be different. That is debatable. Do you see the complexities? Is there satisfactory consequences and punishment in place? Should any form of disruptive behavior that interferes with creating a toxic environment e.g. subordinate in a joking form swears to Director making others uncomfortable while highlighting the existence of their couple-like different levels of relationships may be off limits. 

o  There must be independent task force or anonymous sexual misconduct hot-lines in place for women to feel comfortable coming forward.

o  Clear legislative guidelines and obligations in place

o  Clear consequences stipulated for actions

Generally, government is an environment of great respect for most part so there is very little questioning of the levels of discretionary evaluations by senior staff. The force at the very top exercise a lot of institutional trust. For, the Mayor would operate to a huge degree on not questioning the capacity of the most senior bureaucrats. He invests a lot of trust. What that does is it places a lot of pressure om junior staff to model their behavior to this super human standard of senior bureaucrats which includes; but not limited to sucking up, being quiet, take one for the team etc. If you are guilty of one or more, then you are participating in the accommodating or silencing effect.  

These complexities need to be addressed in political science classes in high schools, universities, in the work place and find systematic solutions for our problems. What we have is a self-serving regulatory system that lacks accountability. If everyone reading this don’t move forward by asking these questions, then we will continue to create and maintain an enabling – silencing environment of power, privilege, entitlement and advantages for predators in the work place. Take away the self-serving regulatory bodies. The conflict, indiscretions and other disgraceful behaviors have caused conflicts far too great. They have done a terrible job and it is obvious – just take a look at the case results. 

There is a choice to speak out or object to this behavior or refuse to participate. It would be your contribution to the change in the culture. I believe that we must create a climate to listen, believe and act. Don’t turn a blind eye. Don’t let those insidious comments slide by. To the men out there, you be the bigger man and call your friends or relatives out.

It was not very easy sharing my story because it is not all roses and sweet-smelling perfume like everyone expect. A lot of people feel very uncomfortable hearing these stories because it would force them to confront similar issues. Most importantly, raise our children right – our daughters to understand their value and find their voice to speak out in confidence and know that they will be supported when they do speak. Demand that our sons respect women ad understand that their success is intertwined with women. 

It is time to dismantle the boys club. The honest good people with values will not be found in such a club. It is time to end bad behavior in society. Pop the protective bubble of people who do not understand boundaries in society. This is our time. #MeTooGovt as I sing the song by Helen Raddy – “I am Woman” in saying, I am strong, I am invincible, I am woman…. Happy International Women’s Day!