Happy International Dance Day!

I have an interesting personal story to share with you on this day. I love to dance, and while I would have changed many jobs as an ad tech professional, dance is my heart job! I have so many stories and lessons from dance, and this is just one of them. Read on!

There is a reason why all the best moments of life are celebrated with dancing. Think about it: all marriages, exam results, anniversaries, etc., do have some form of celebration, which includes dance. But for me, I don’t think of dancing like most of you would. It’s exaggerated, but it's true – dance is life for me. As Martha Graham would say, “Dance is the hidden language of the soul of the body”. And despite that, I quit dancing two decades back. Being a mom at 25 puts loads of stress on you, both physically and mentally. And I, too, had moved from “XS” size to “L” size. When my daughter was 4, I decided to get back to dancing. With lots of guts, I enrolled myself for the same dance school as my daughter, knowing that I might be the oldest in the lot. I still remember my first lesson; we were told to perform an extempore of any song the instructor would play. This was for auditions for a stage performance and was meant to be a solo performance. I was nervous but unintimidated. I knew how to do this. I was in my element. The class went really well, really well. I did all of the combinations and remembered to smile. I was energetic and quick on my feet. Most importantly, I was able to keep up with the other students. I was like this teenager just enjoying her music to the fullest and dancing her heart out (well I was dancing after 7 long years). I couldn’t see anything in the classroom, there was just music and me. I think I gave the best performance ever in that moment of euphoria. After class, I excitedly headed out, surprised by how well I did and hopeful of my chances of being accepted for the stage performance. And then I hear my instructor talking to a few others, “She is good, but she is big”. I stopped, trying to process this comment without crying or letting him know that I heard his comment. But in that moment, my spirit was crushed. So many thoughts swirled through my head on my way home. I couldn’t believe that the wrongness of my body’s shape carried more weight than my ability to move precisely and artfully through space. I couldn’t believe that a skinnier, potentially less-talented dancer would get “my” spot for the stage performance. But most of all, I couldn’t believe how embarrassing and utterly humiliating it feels to be turned down not because I was not good enough, but because I was not skinny enough. These thoughts eventually crystallize into confusion and questions. Why had I been blessed with these talents in this body? And just because I felt so humiliated, I never returned to that dance school. Time passed as years passed. I did many things to reduce weight, hoping to get back to shape and back to my stage where I would perform someday. But all in vain! I never really managed to lose all the fat I had gained. To people, I was like this ideal woman who all would aspire to be – a great career, a loving husband and a beautiful, talented daughter. But I knew somewhere I was not fine! I miss dancing. I wasn’t happy and ashamed enough not to start dancing again. One day, my daughter (an artist) was busy assembling an artwork for her upcoming exhibition. She was sitting with her big canvas and some twenty brushes of different sizes. She called me to her room and said “thicker brushes can create as beautiful strokes as thinner ones, in fact thicker brush strokes can ONLY stand out on this BIG canvas”. And yes, I did cry that day. She said nothing and yet everything. I realized that dance is not just dancing with your body but with your heart, mind and soul. Dancers have to struggle physically, emotionally and mentally to realize their dreams. They must keep perfecting their technique and surpassing their body limitations, which require extreme mental strength. The following weekend, my daughter and I went together and enrolled for dance lessons and this time in the same class! And with the same body weight, I participated in Color’s Talent Show Singapore in 2017. I didn’t win it, but I boldly and proudly held my own virtual trophy that I gave myself. And when it got telecasted on Colors channel, everyone applauded! All I told myself that day – my confidence is being comfortable with myself with my flaws and my strengths and not giving a damn about what anyone says. Being sexy is all about attitude, not body type. It’s a state of mind. All it needs is to love yourself.