The Happy Birthday Song Hack

Ok - maybe not such a secret. Many know this coaching hack - when you want to speak, first sing Happy Birthday (inside your head). Maybe sing it twice. Ok, now speak.

Strong coaching is one of the best things we can offer those we lead. Why such a strong statement? Because coaching opens the door for deep learning and systemic change. Now some equate training with coaching - suggesting a PD or training - but great coaching goes beyond that - it holds space for thought, wonder, exploration. What makes this exploration possible?

The coaching leader who knows their #focus.?

A coaching leader who knows their #focus is able to take people to places they would not go on their own. Focused leaders know where they are and where they want to end up. They have a through-line that keeps them from distractions. Want to see someone who is a walking demonstration of this? Check out Marni Landry at work.?

Her focus (I think, I’ve not asked her but am going by what she puts out there) is to have every person in every room she leads THINK. Grow. Acquire insights they didn’t have when they walked into the room that they can take back to their world.

She epitomizes the idea I clumsily call: “Don’t take away -insert learner’s name here- opportunity to learn!”

As humans we (for this context I’ll stick to coaches and fellows in learning) can struggle with three things:

• LETTING people feel uncomfortable (when we can fix it for them)
• NOT telling people what to do (when we know how to do it)
• NOT being the one who fixes the problem (when we know the solution)

These three things are distractions that can easily take us away from our goal unless hold tight to our #focus. Strong coaching leaders know the good stuff comes when they hold the space. When they stand in silence supporting productive struggle. They know it’s not theirs to do the work. They can even offer an insight and let it sit there, unexplored if someone chooses such, knowing it will rise up again at the right time.

Marni Landry does all of this. She’s not the only one I’ve seen do it, but anyone who knows her would agree that she’s top of the list of truly strong coaching professionals.?

Coaching pros lean on their #focus when they feel constrained by time, silence in the room, staring eyes. I’ve learned how to do it from watching pros like Marni Landry and am always working to ensure I align with my #focus of holding authentic learning spaces. It's not always comfortable.

Happy Birthday to You.....

Example: I'm sitting in a meeting as a colleague connects their laptop to a projector. They looked just a touch confused and I really wanted to jump in and help. I know that giving them a moment gives an opportunity to learn. (It also gives me time to decide if I am helping or feeding my ego.) I sit and sing the song in my head watching for signs of frustration. As I do, another coach jumps in and hooks them up. The colleague moves on with their presentation.?

The next time I saw the coach I asked them if they had thought to let the colleague try to connect on their own for even the briefest of moments. I shared that I thought it was a great coaching opportunity.?

They replied: “How could this be an opportunity? They need to get hooked up - it’s our job to help. They can learn later if they really want to.”?

My response: “My thought was that they might not know they want to learn. They might not know if - for them - it’s hard to get set up under staring eyes.”?

Their response: “Why does this matter?”?

My response: “We don’t know if down the road they will be in a room getting ready to present without tech support. We know that this happens. They may not - they may assume tech support is always available. So if there’s an opportunity to give them the briefest chance to try on their own, I think it’s a coaching opportunity. In a safe space where they can struggle just the tiniest bit and then get support. If they don’t struggle, they won’t know what they don’t know.”

We did not end up agreeing.

My coaching #focus told me that it was worth taking the 10 seconds to sing the song and give the colleague the experience. The other coach’s #focus was on solutions - if we didn’t help right away we were leaving them hanging. The decision on what to do for that colleague - to help them right away or wait just a few seconds - seems like such a small thing, but the small things become the big things. Some will say I would have been wrong to make anyone wait even the 10 seconds it took me to sing the song. Some will say I was right. It depends on each of our #focus.

Now I’m not putting myself in such an elevated position as to say I think like Marni Landry but I will say that holding space is something she knows how to do and does very well. She is a consummate coaching professional. If you are a learner in her world, you will quickly find out that you aren’t getting off the hook as easily as a 10 second wait.?

I have watched her work. It’s incredible. Marni will ask a question and wait. At first the room will become just a bit uncomfortable. Someone will throw out a quick answer to move things along. She will wait. Someone will add something a bit deeper. She will wait. The room will twig to the idea that she’s not looking for the surface thought. The group will start to think. Responses become deeper, more thoughtful. Once she’s gotten real thought, she moves on and - the next time she asks a question - no one wastes her time with trite responses. They think.

It’s pretty bad@ss.

It’s also a great way to demonstrate what happens when we know our #focus. Each time I’ve watched Marni work a room, she’s steadfast and clear in where she is starting and where she wants every-person-in-the-room to end up. And, it is because she knows her #focus that distractions don’t matter.?

As leaders it’s essential we #focus so others want to join the journey.

Some aren’t going to want to go right away. That’s ok, some will. Knowing our #focus is the first step. Unless we are locked in on our #focus, we can be distracted, swayed by forces outside of ourselves and the goals we set out to achieve. And if we aren't #focused, we won’t be able to support those who aren't certain how they feel about the journey we are asking them to join.

So here are four #focus questions we can ask ourselves as #leaders:

• What do I want to be able to do for my organization?
• Where am I strong and where do I need to do some work?
• What do I want those I lead to be able to do?
• What can those I lead do today and where do they need some work?

Taking a few minutes to ask ourselves these questions, and to write down our answers, keeping them in a visible place (put them on a sticky note please!) helps a leader to maintain their #focus, and thereby serve those in their circle of impact in a positive way.

Laura Boone is the founder of Structured Shifts, the proud sponsor of The UPTalk Project - an initiative dedicated to, through neuroeducation based contributions to K12 education, helping 1,000,000 people live better, lead stronger, and amplify their impact by 2035. Want to know more? SignUP here .