Happy 17th Birthday Adelaide - Blending While Mending

I wrote this letter to Sarah, Adelaide's mom, 4 years ago on Adelaide's 13th birthday and it felt fitting to share it again today on Adelaide's birthday. Sarah passed away a month before Adelaide started kindergarten. She would be so proud of who Adelaide has become. Always remembering, every day, but even more so on special days like today.

From Two Worlds to One: Blending a Family with Love as “The Other Woman”

Sep 27, 2015

Sarah,

This week, Adelaide turned 13. I know you are smiling down on her – so proud of the amazing wonderful young woman she is becoming. She was just five when you went to Heaven. And she was nine when I came into her life. The last five years, I have seen her grow and mature into this amazing person. I have wiped away her tears. I have been on the receiving end of her stubbornness. I have been in awe at her artistic ability and the creative soul that she is. And have witnessed the breathtaking photographs she takes with an eye that she got from you. I have seen the compassion she shows towards her friends. The kindness. The goodness in her heart.

And yes, I have on occasions set her and her teenage attitude straight. I have been here to talk to her about friends, middle school drama and periods. I have shared laughs, and selfies and so much in between. I have embarrassed her in public. I have had moments where I want to pull my hair out. I have had my own moments of tears and doubt, not knowing what to say or what to do. I have raised my voice when I shouldn’t have. And I have done all of this knowing that you would give anything to be here.

The thing is, I have never tried nor will I ever try to fill your shoes. Your shoes and your footprints are uniquely yours and forever in our hearts. I will never replace you. You are irreplaceable.

At times, I have had my own survivor guilt, particularly when I get overwhelmed with the kids or angry with them, knowing that you aren’t here and would give anything to be here. At the same time, I’m also so very glad that I am here – to love these kids and this amazing man. And sometimes, feel guilty for feeling that too. Loving a widower with kids, coupled with my own broken heart and baggage from my divorce, can be complicated, contradictory and at times messy. Often there are struggles that the outside world never sees, but one thing is for sure – there’s no other place that I would rather be.

I have seen over the years how your legacy still lives on in all of those you loved and in the lives you touched. And at times, there are no words to take away the pain from Jason and the kids. All I can do is love him. Love the kids. And always honor and remember you. What I have also learned is that there is no time limit on grief – that sadness and happiness can co-exist and that we must continue to LIVE.

I think often because of my own cancer, I relate to Jason and to the circumstances in a different way. And I have felt a closeness to you in a way that may seem weird to others, but normal to me – loving someone I never had the pleasure of actually meeting. I have always tried to do right by you, and for the kids. Thinking back to when I was diagnosed with cancer and Brandon, my son, was just turning two. Knowing that the most important thing to me was that he knew his mom – that he would remember me if I didn’t survive.

I want Adelaide to remember you. To know that it’s ok to still miss you. To still share stories. To ask questions about you – to your family, to your friends. And I want you to know that.

On Adelaide’s 10th birthday, Jason wrote a blog entry called “A Multiple Life.” We were five months into our blended family. And at bedtime, Adelaide said she wished you were there to tell her happy birthday. Jason wrote this:

“The hard part to reconcile, as good as everything is with Kim, I too wish Sarah was here to tell Adelaide happy birthday. And there’s no way to say/type/think that sentence, without feeling guilty or wondering if I’m hurting Kim’s feelings. And then, obviously, if I don’t say/think/type that sentence, it’s being disrespectful to Sarah. And on and on and on. It’s a weird place, to be living in two worlds.”

I think over the past four years, we’ve managed to blend our families and our lives and finally feel like instead of living in two worlds, that we have blended them into one pretty freaking awesome world. Blending while mending is FAR from easy. It hasn’t come without struggles, without tears, without insecurities (those mostly on my part – because of my own past). But it has come with the most important thing – LOVE.

I have fallen in love with Jason, with Adelaide, with Jack, with your family and your friends. They have all welcomed me and my son with open arms and open hearts. I know it’s been hard for them – knowing that they too wish you were here. Falling in love with Jason, and the kids at times hasn’t been easy – as I will always be the “other woman” in a way that most never think of when you say “the other woman.” At times, I’m not even sure what to call myself. I’m not their mom. But I also don’t see myself as a “step” anything. So for now, I will proudly be the other woman. And in our own messy, beautiful way, it really is amazing. Because it’s simple – it’s about love. I hope that as the “other woman” you know that I am doing the best I can – filling these lives with love.

We will continue to love life and make every moment count. We will laugh, love and celebrate every birthday, every milestone, every little and big moment, knowing that you are always here with us. You are still missed and still loved. On Adelaide’s 13th birthday and on every other day.

I am so incredibly blessed to be her bonus mom, but always know that we are always honoring and always remembering,

Kim

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