Happiness: Why is it so elusive?

"Why is it so hard to be happy?" A lady came up to me post-talk to ask this very poignant question. As a Happiness expert & speaker, it is a question I get asked often. It is almost as if happiness is like a rainbow - it comes, it's beautiful & then it goes. We all wish for a rainbow-filled life, where we have more ups than downs. And just as we are observing the rainbow and want to hold on to it, we all wish those happy moments would stay longer. Yet, in reality, it is the challenging & negative ones that linger, while the pleasant moments seem to be fleeting.

Why is happiness so elusive?

In my own happiness journey, I have of course experienced my fair share of painful and devastating moments; while at the same time moments of elevation and unconditional love. The old me would choose to ruminate over and over the painful moment. For example, for years after a broken relationship, I replayed a song that we had shared repeatedly, curling myself into a crying ball. In some way, perhaps I had hoped this would ease my pain. In some way, if I carried this war scar, it would justify why I behaved the way I did. However, all it did was remind me time and again about the loss. Worse still, I was not able to appreciate the great moments I was currently having.

The truth is, to turn the tide from happiness being an elusive commodity to being a reachable goal, we can't look at others. We have to look within, at ourselves. The reason why most people find happiness so hard to attain, is because we think someone else is supposed to change to give us that happiness. Yet, if we only changed... if we only became aware of how WE (our thoughts, our actions etc) are causing this unhappiness, then we could find ways to bring happiness closer to us. In short, we may be the main obstacle to our own happiness. ??

"We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are." (Anais Nin)

You may be thinking, this is very pessimistic thinking. But hold your horses, therein lies also the solution. For if we did spend time to introspect, to listen to what we really want, to take 100% responsibility for the life that we want, we may very well be the key to our own happiness! ?? A far more uplifting thought & possibility. Notice that either way we look at it, it stemmed from us. In my case, I recognised that the reason I was repeating those old songs was that I was clinging onto what was - a memory - instead of having the courage to let it go. Once I shifted my attention towards cherishing the current relationship I was ...VOILA! Love and joy filled my life. ?? No more sobbing, no more sad love songs. ??

So how can happiness be more within our reach?

1. Be Present. Oftentimes, we are so busy chasing what we want and our minds are full of distraction. That makes it very hard to introspect and listen to what our heart is telling us. As a result, we chase what others are chasing, we pursue what doesn't gel with our values, we listen to what others tell us. We hence feel out of alignment, and therefore unhappy. On the other hand, when we can be mindful, aware and present in the here-and-now, we are able to be more attuned to what's going on within. Ultimately this brings us greater clarity on what really matters to us and a feeling of peace. ??

2. Remove the conditions to be happy. This may be easier said than done, but one common pattern I observe is that people sometimes place conditions upon what it takes to be happy. For example, "I can only be happy when I make a million dollars." It is not that we shouldn't have big goals, but if we can't be happy until that point, then it's no wonder we keep feeling that we are not happy. Imagine if you have conditions for every area of happiness e.g. "My husband must buy me flowers on my birthday or else I will be really angry." This is setting him and your relationship up for failure and unhappiness. To counteract this, what if we could be happy for what is right in front of us NOW? That way, we can take control of what is happening for us, instead of outsourcing happiness.

3. Savour, savour, savour. Psychologist Fred Bryant (2005) identified 3 stages of savouring: (a) anticipating (b) enjoying and (c) reminiscing. When we experience happiness and feel like it's running away from us, Bryant suggests that we help prolong it by going through the 3 steps. For example, when you are heading out for a meal, you could anticipate what the food would taste like, by visualising it in your head, imagining what it would be like to eat it. Next, while you are eating, slow down and really enjoy the food ?? and allow it to fully assail your senses & taste buds. Finally, as you drive home, reminisce on what the meal meant to you, the positive emotions that came with the meal. In this way, happiness can linger that bit longer.

Happiness is elusive if you make it so

In conclusion, happiness can be elusive if you believe it to be, and place conditions upon it. When children are born, they naturally experience happiness over sometimes the littlest things. It is almost as if we have unlearnt how to be happy. Instead, we have turned it into a pursuit: that it is something to be achieved; and if we don't get it, there is something wrong with us. The truth is, if we just just slowed down, looked within, we will find that happiness exists all around us. The question is, do we see it and do we allow ourselves to experience it?

"If you want to be happy, be." (Leo Tolstoy)

About the writer:

Sha-En is the 1st Singaporean graduate of the Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. She has been featured on multiple media platforms, including TV documentary ‘Chasing Happiness’, Business Times & radio MONEY 89.3FM. As the founder of Happiness Scientists, Sha-En has trained more than 10,000 people in schools & organisations in the research and practice of Positive Psychology. A professional speaker, she has spoken at the 1st Positive Psychology Conference in the Philippines & World Congress on Positive Psychology 2019 in Melbourne. She recently did her first TEDx talk at the TEDxSalon in Singapore.