Happiness ... where can I get some?

To be happy is our natural state from the moment we are born. As Ali Campbell the famous Scottish Hypnotherapist describes it, we are all like a glass with beautiful clear fresh spring water held within. It is our thoughts and emotions that create the colouring of the water. We learn to be unhappy by picking up the confusion, fears, phobias and biases of others as we grow, and then we start to create our own cloudiness. Our unhappiness.

To become that beautiful clear water that is our natural state we need to ask ourselves some questions.

• How will we know when we are happy?
• What does happiness look like?
• Is happiness permanent or transient?

Tough isn't it? The United States in 1776 thought the concept of the search for happiness was so important that they embodied it within their Declaration of Independence.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

In my research for this article, it transpires that given the language of the time, "the pursuit of happiness" was not intended to suggest that happiness was found in the never ending chase to find cheap thrills. The superficial and transient buzz you get from a temporary suspension of stress and disappointment. No. The language implied that happiness was considered to be a permanent place of contentment. A place that you could return to after upsets or disturbances in your life. It implies a satisfaction with ones "lot". An acknowledgement that in truth, all is well in the moment. Yes, injustice and evil is rife but the inner strength that comes from a simplicity of thinking about life cannot be overstated. Its not about self delusion that everything is perfect. Quite the opposite. It is a clarity of mind that says "right now, at this very moment, I and those I care about are safe. I need for nothing right at this moment and I expect this to continue". You can expect this to continue because you are living in the moment. You are living in the here and now and not trying to plan your life into the future. If you expect to continue to live in the moment, you can anticipate similar levels of contentment. You cannot control those things that are out of your control. It is an acknowledgement of the simple things in life that nature provides us.

Despite our fast and complicated lifestyles, and our elevated self views as a smarter, faster, more ambitious and capable level of consciousness, we still remain by nature, and despite nurture, the cave men of old. Happy when our stomachs are full and we are not in danger of being devoured by wild animals.

Happiness has long been a bit of a nebulous concept. You ask a group of people, what makes them happy? In response you'll get a list as long as your arm. The funny thing is that many of the replies will be things that aren't related to happiness but are ways of distracting themselves from their un - happiness ... booze, drugs, money, sex. Based on the fact that we are born happy, the clue to happiness surely must be, not so much a concept of what we can add to our lives to make them better, but more, what do we need to delete from our lives to send us back to our natural state. To do a factory reset. But why do we need to do a factory reset? How did we get to be so unhappy? Well to answer your question here is my own personal view.

1. Bye Bye nature. We have moved away from nature because we reckon we know better how to live now, than we did thousands of years ago. We have maybe found modern ways to solve technical problems but in so doing we have created new ones by not following our natural instincts and have lost many of the natural abilities that were innate to us in those times. Instinct. Awareness. Empathy. Understanding on a personal level.
2. Social disconnection. We have so many ways to tell people what we think and we never stop to listen. To understand. To comprehend. To put ourselves mentally in the other persons place. Loneliness is a world epidemic that nobody speaks of. We ostracise those that are not like us, and our old are often thrown out like the trash.
3. Expectations. We love to set goals for ourselves. It is good to strive but when you set your happiness subject to a future outcome you are setting yourself up for a fall. Why not be happy right now? Don't wait till you get $1M in your bank account. When you get that money, $1M will probably seem too little and your expectations will move on again for you to eternally chase whilst living in a self imposed place of torture. Set out to be happy today.
4. Making comparisons. We strive to be the best that we oursleves can be, not because we become better or worse than others, but because we become better than we were. We grow. We mature. We learn. This is real living. Comparing ourselves to others and the sucesses of others is the road to disappointment. Be original. Strive for what YOU want, not what others have got.
5. We have forgotten our tribalism. We by nature are tribal animals and when we remove ourselves from the tribe by nature of our housing, our cities, our technology, we find ourselves artficially removed from what used to be our support networks. Remember "a problem shared is a problem halved". Its still true today but we are too stubborn or afraid to admit that we are not living the perfect life.
6. How we judge and assess each other. Not strategic thinking and an ability to provide, fathering/mothering skills, or nurturing and interpersonal skills, but fast cars and a full bank account. How do you judge success?
7. Trying to remain the same despite changing conditions. Going the way of the dinosaurs. Covid has changed many things. Adapt or be unhappy and resentful. Adjust your expectations and learn new skills.
8. A distrust in those that lead us and an inability to feel heard or that we matter. An inability to be independent and fend for ourselves. A feeling of being controlled. The role of state has grown significantly. Polarisation in society divides us that sets us against each other.
9. Trying to control everything even though you have no control over most things. Work with those things that you can change and acknowledge that the rest of life ... is a big adventure.
10. The era of the ego. Empowered by technology and the rise of the middle classes. Its all about me. No longer working for the tribe. The common good. The individual has no responsibility to others. Folks that isn't our tribal way. This is against our true nature.
11. Its not in everybody interest for us to be happy. Pharmaceuticals. Politics. Media. Your fear, unhqappiness and hence your welbeing are a great source of profit to others.
12. We are less aware of the nature of our minds than we used to be. In our caveman days and much later than we may care to admit we sought out others to help us with our problems. Wise ones. The Shaman. The Medicine man. We are less self aware than we used to be . We do not have the support processes that go with this kind of background and knowledge. We turn to our phones and the internet for solace rather than our nearest and dearest

These are just some of the socio economic issues that I believe make us the people we are today. But how to return to that fabled clear glass of spring water? Our happy place? I'm so glad you asked.

• Switch off the TV. Stop watching non stop tv news. Sure catch up maybe once a day to make sure that the world still exists but try this for a week and watch how you no longer fret about life in the same way as before.
• Talk to each other. When you talk, really listen to what the other has to say. Understand not only the words but the feelings behind the words.
• Get into nature. Plant your feet in the sand or the grass and realise that all that striving to succeed, chasing the career and money. Its a facade. Don't make yourself poor but don't focus on money and things as a sign that you have lived the best life.
• When you make goals, make them manageable and in a reasonable space of time or you are going to be frustrated and unhappy for a long time.
• Swith off the mobile phone. There is nobody that comes with a guarantee of 24/7 telephonic connection. Give your time and consideration to those important to you. When you are with them. Really be WITH them.
• Take your head out of your own backside. Yes I said it. It is not all about me me me. Its about us. People. The global tribe. In Maslows hierarchy of needs the highest level need we exeprience but so often ignore is self actualisation ie, being your true self, and the best way to be your true self is to stop thinking about you. Think of others and the act of giving take syou to another whole new level.
• Hang out with happy people. Its contagious. So is misery.
• Read books that make you more resilient, stronger, happier. How about "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway" by Dr Susan Jeffers.
• Don't be dragged into other peoples drama. Keep calm and be true to yourself. Fight your own battles if you must but don't fire bullets made by others.
• Experiment with new techniques for meditation and living in the moment. Your happy place is just round the corner.
• Get used to the idea of undertainty in this life. Get used to the concept that you can't plan and control everything. Take a look at your life and see what expectations you have inherited and what are the ones that are truly your own. You know which ones to ditch. Don't be moulded by society. Make yourself in the way YOU want.
• Declutter your life of things and people that no longer serve you. Who is dragging you down? Who makes you wish you were somewhere else? All that stuff you have. Is it just for show? If so get rid of it. Its just an added complication in your life.
• Take time to be thankful for what you have and what you have achieved. Don't forget to smile every morning and be grateful for whatever nature gives you ... even challenges. They make us appreciate the important things in our life.
• Remember life is not a competition with others. Its an opportunity for each and every one of us to grow and develop as people and we will all do this in different ways. We also carry our burdens in different ways. We don't need to compare ourselves with others.
• And if all the above is not enough, spread you wings and check out :

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I offer online life coaching to anyone who wants to reach beyond the length of their grasp and who finds that life is not what they had hoped. Its time to shake things up ... don't you think?

Robin Ferrier - One Small Step