Happiness, Purpose & Life.

Do you have it and if not, why not?

I don’t know why, but it feels like the lockdown in Sydney - our second major one- feels tougher than the first and the novelty of doing everything from home has certainly worn off. For the first time in as long as I can remember, it’s even left me questioning my own future and how/if I can get to where I want to be. Don't get me wrong, I actually love my work and the conversations I have there, I love my family, I love my friends, but there's always a part that wants to make an impact on society. I always knew I had three goals;

1. Earn enough money to never need to depend on only one source of income, and be forced into a job I’m not interested in.
2. Travel the world with my family, experience & explore it all, and chase the sun.
3. Save the world, seriously. Have the funds to do it, the time to contribute to it, and hopefully some influence to enact change and solve problems I feel shouldn’t still exist.

It sounds corny, but it’s my vision. As I mentioned though, my drive to achieve those things and more importantly knowing there’ll be a ‘how’ somewhere, waned.

So I set out on a journey. Created something for myself and to keep myself somewhat accountable too-I call it the 30x30x30 challenge. For 30 days, I set aside 30 minutes to learn something new and 30 minutes to review what I’ve learnt from the previous day, absorb it, apply it. Simple (in theory) and doesn’t require that much time to learn something new. No matter what time it was, I made sure I got that time in but admittedly a small handful of times I didn’t make it-but made up for it the next day.?

This 30x30x30 of August 2021, I thought I’d research and learn more about happiness, greatness, purpose and life in general in the hope of applying something to my life to bring back that spark. Did it work? I’d like to think I’ve found some key takeaways that have helped bring me peace and joy and I’ll summarise my findings below in hopes of it maybe helping at least one other person out there in need of a bit of motivation or clarity.?Forgive me though-my writing's not the best!

I’ll break it down to some subtopics so feel free to scroll to those certain parts you think may be helpful in your life today;

• What makes us happy and some methods to get there,?
• Dealing hedonic adaptation,?
• Confidence & its effect on performance
• Thinking of stress in a different way,
• Dealing with challenges,?
• Life & motivation,?
• Finding purpose?

The Pursuit of Happiness

Life is supposed to be great and full of happiness is it not? I mean, at least for the most part we should be happy & content and yet regardless of where someone is in their life, their level of wealth, status, where they live and a plethora of other things we think would make us happy, we commonly see many that aren’t happy. Social media would often tell you otherwise though and that everyone else has a happier and better life than you.

What’s going on then??

For one, we have what is called an impact bias, which is where we have a tendency to think that something will be much better or much worse than it typically will be in both intensity and duration[4]. You probably can’t think of it at this moment in time but there were probably many times where you thought to yourself ‘if I get this, I’m going to be so so happy’ or ‘if I fail this, my life is over’ and yet look at where you are today, the life you have and all that happened after that event itself-as they say, life goes on. Shawn Achor says we’re often taught that if we work harder, we’ll be more successful and if we’re more successful, then we’ll be happier but this is scientifically broken because every time we achieve success, we just change the goalpost to what success looks like so if happiness is on the other side of success, your brain never gets there[11]. So whereas we keep chasing this vision of what will make us happy, we’re not often letting ourselves be happy in this very moment itself and we probably overestimate the impact it would really have on our happiness. A Yale study showed exactly that when it came to exams, and students were asked how they would feel if they received a certain result before an exam and how they felt after the result, good or bad, and what was found was that their level of happiness really didn’t vary much regardless[4]. Those moments you think are life changing, often aren’t. Whilst this can be taken as ‘why bother’, I like to think of it as it’s not the destination that matters, but the journey itself and that you should enjoy every moment you can, in that moment. You can stop this misprediction of your happiness level and the impact something will have by thinking about all the other things in your life and what will continue regardless of the outcome.

Further, despite that we think that all this ‘stuff’ or ‘achievements’ will make us happy, only 10% of our happiness is determined by the external world and the rest is by how our brain’s process it. We see this often with people who’ve had traumatic incidents and yet they look like they’re some of the happiest, most inspirational people in the world- this actually ties into purpose which we’ll talk about next- and it’s because of how they choose to interpret the world and their place in it. It’s been found that happiness can be synthesised and that when you have no choice left, you tend to justify liking your choice, thereby making the best of your only outcome[12].?

“Our stories, our history, whilst factual, can be told and interpreted our way[3].”

There’s much more to this but a lesson could be that if there’s something you think could make you happy, but it’s risky and you’re afraid of how it’ll make you feel afterwards if it fails, do it anyway. Even if it doesn’t work out, what science has shown is it’ll typically not be as bad as you’re thinking and you can make the most out of any outcome. If that doesn’t give you enough peace of mind, there’s one more thing that’s called our psychological immune system which is what helps us have the resilience to get over things naturally without even knowing it- like watching a movie, going out with friends or looking at puppies if a negative event, like a break-up, happens.

Another interesting flaw in our mindset is that we think we need to be productive first, and that leads to happiness, but the research suggests that mental health & happiness comes first which then leads to productivity, so you should give yourself the space to do the things that will help your mental health[4]. We typically? think we have to be successful to be happy but in actuality, our brains work in the opposite order. If you can raise the level of positivity in the present, the brain experiences a “happiness advantage[11]” and when your brain is positive, it performs better than when it’s in a negative, neutral or stressed state. Intelligence, creativity, energy levels all rise and actually every single business outcome improves- including resilience, less burnout, less turnover, greater sales. This ultimately means we can reverse the formula- if we can find ways to be positive in the present, then our brains are able to work harder, faster and more intelligently[4].?

“Our actions and thoughts are under our control to affect our happiness.”

“Optimism is a happiness magnet. If you stay positive, good things and good people will be drawn to you”- Mary Lou Retton

If you want to create lasting positive change and lead with positivity first, you can employ one or more of these methods;

1. Practise gratitude: Think of 3 new things you’re grateful for daily
2. Journal 1 positive experience you’ve had in the past 24 hours
3. Exercise as it teaches your brain good behaviours - 30 minutes a day can boost your mood in addition to making your body healthier.?
4. Meditate: It helps to teach us focus.?
5. Random acts of kindness

It’s been shown that just 2 minutes at a time, for 21 days in a row with these activities, can help reverse the formula, and allow you to achieve happiness-ultimately leading to success.

A few final notes on mindset and activities;

1. We’ll talk about it more later, but if you’re feeling like you want to buy something, look for experiences, not materialistic objects like a handbag or watch as it might actually make us less happy[4]. Studies showed that people who chased ‘awesome stuff’ or materialism, made them less happy and often depressed.?
2. When it came to health, an interesting finding was that it seemed that those that lost weight, actually expressed signs of depression more than those that have gained or remained stable- being in a weight loss program itself made them unhappy. So your perception of self image is important, regardless of your weight now.?
3. How you see yourself mentally is so important that it was found that people who tend to undergo cosmetic surgery, start off typically already in more negative states or views of themselves and those feelings accentuate more after they go through with the surgery- which may be why the cycle will continue until they’re hardly recognisable!
4. We’re often contextualising and comparing- social media, salary, and these all weigh on mental health and happiness quite a lot. We’re bad with absolutes and the situation as it is.Take for example Silver medalists vs Bronze medalist winners. Intuitively we think that the silver medalist would be happier but that’s often not the case because their reference is that they could have gotten Gold. Bronze medalists however view it as they’re happy they made the podium[4]. We know comparing is typically bad for us, but if you’re going to do it, take the point of view of the Bronze medal winner and be grateful for your situation.

Hedonic adaptation- can you really stay happy?

Ever wanted that handbag, car, or fancy gadget so badly that if you didn’t have it, you wouldn’t be happy or satisfied? That every single part of you was aching to have it and it’s the only thing you can think about? I have. Do you remember though, how you felt about it immediately once you got it? Or even a few hours, days or weeks after? You probably, like me, just had it there but didn’t crave for it anymore and barely paid any attention to it day to day.

That is, hedonic adaptation at play.

It’s when you have something you think will make you happy, get it, but only to need the next big thing. It’s like this thing you’ve been dreaming about for so long, just wasn’t enough anymore. You got what you wanted and now it’s on to the next thing that’ll make you happy. This has some obvious issues though from spending more than you should, not saving as much, always chasing bigger and better things, and just constantly stuck in the cycle of getting stuff. How about we break that cycle of hedonic adaptation?

Here’s a few steps you can employ;

1. Savouring- Stepping out of your experience and really appreciate it as it’s happening. Take a second to realise why it’s making you happy, track what you savoured today, and stay in the moment.
2. Gratitude: Write 5 things that have happened over the past week that you’re grateful for, or take photos of those things, and really experience it. There’s also added benefits of gratitude such as not being sick for as long, exercising more, and the increase in happiness from gratitude? It actually lasts longer- especially if you show gratitude to someone else. On the relationship side, it even provides opportunities for a better marriage as problems such as a lack of communication are overlooked. On the work front, sincere gratitude to your employees even makes them work harder. So be grateful, always.?
3. Practise remembering a positive event and reliving it for 8 minutes a day, for 3 days a week, really feeling it.
4. Negative Visualisation: Think about the reverse that could have happened- for example, if it didn’t go that way, what could have gone wrong. What if you didn’t meet your partner? What if you weren’t here? What if you didn’t take that job??
5. Make this your last day- Treat the experience as if it was the last time you’d be able to experience it. This’ll generally make you appreciate that much more.?
6. Buy experiences- If you’re going to spend your money, do it on experiences instead. Why does our level of happiness adapt once we buy ‘stuff’? It’s because it sticks around- a house, a new car, a bag- whereas experiences don't last, and that’s what makes them more meaningful and impactful. Think about your last holiday, or visit to the museum, or art gallery or any experience that brought you joy, doesn’t it always seem to get better as time goes by? You don’t have time to adapt to experiences whereas stuff, you do. Finally, it’s also difficult to compare- a habit that’s hard to kick for most people- and typically can’t be compared as they’re unique to each individual but also, not only are you keen to share those experiences, people are keen to listen.?

Confidence, an ever changing emotion

I felt that confidence was an important area to cover because it plays such a big part in our mental game and our reaction to it can even affect our long term mental state, as well as willingness to do something different. Something out of the ordinary. Something that could be great. So here are a few things I found that resonated with me that could be put into good effect.

Have you ever thought, ‘what if I can’t do this’, or ‘what if this or that goes wrong’ or ‘what if people don’t laugh, don’t react the way I want them to and the message doesn’t get across’ or ‘what if I embarrass myself’. To me, what that means is that the task you’re about to perform actually means something to you- it’s important- and that’s great because you’re doing something meaningful to you! The pressure you’ve associated yourself with it however isn’t, unless you can see it a different way.?

On the flipside, have you ever noticed the most ‘successful’ people out there seem to be so comfortable in their own skin and confident? Especially when it comes to anything competitive-like sports-if you’re not especially confident in your own abilities and have even a hint of doubt, that could affect your performance greatly. What we see as arrogance & cockiness might just be what gives others the upper hand. Confidence plays a big part in our everyday lives.?

So what are some things you can do to put your mind and heart at ease? There’s two terms you’re probably not going to like but are very familiar with- ‘preparation is key’ and ‘practise makes perfect’-some say even 10,000 hours of deliberate practise is what’s needed.?

The Practise

We hear these terms all the time, ‘preparation is key’ and ‘practise makes perfect’ and it’s true. If you’re like me, you’ve probably had a time (or a few) where you thought that just winging it will be the best approach so you stop getting into your own head and making yourself nervous right now or, you’re too nervous and would rather embarrass yourself (if you do) once when you need to perform rather than being embarrassed 100 times in front of family & friends whilst practising. That, in my experience, rarely works out and you’ll likely get into your own head on the day itself, completely overwhelmed with nerves. Practise is actually the only way you can be thoroughly prepared and reduce the nerves.

Scientifically, what happens when you apply deliberate practise? (Meaning intense, focused attention on the practise itself and improving) The basic activity-any activity- becomes second nature and shouldn’t require thought thus falling into your autonomous, procedural memory rather than your working memory[5]. This is why even the best basketball players out there continue practising the fundamental drills that you learn even as a kid because when you’re on that court, the last thing you want to do is think about if you’re doing something very basic correctly. What’s more important in those moments where the pressure is on and you’re at that nail biting moment where what you do can change the game, is the use of your working memory instead so you can adapt and apply things that are different and are game changing.?

You can even practise on those high stakes scenarios and put yourself in those game changing moments or feelings. Performing under pressure is a skill that can be learnt and by mimicking the pressure system before it arises, you become used to it- exposure to the anxiety inducing trigger is often the best way to reduce our response to anxiety. So whether it’s giving a public speech, playing in a highly competitive sport, or anything else where you can ‘choke’, continually practising what scares you most is the best way to prepare for those situations.

The mindset

There’s an alternate age-old advice, such as ‘picture the audience naked’ as they’d be more embarrassed about themselves or -and I don’t typically recommend this- have a few alcoholic beverages beforehand to ‘calm the nerves’, but the only one that I think really works is to focus on what you’re giving to your audience, what you’re teaching them and really just be there in the moment being of service to them. You divert your attention away from thinking ‘what are they thinking about me’ to ‘what value would be really good for my audience’.?

Your mind really is a powerful part of you and what you tell yourself, will be what comes to be. There was a study that effectively showed that people who are anxious about math aren’t bad at it, they’re bad at it because they’re anxious. In that same way, you might just be anxious about doing something which in turn makes you bad at it rather than it being the other way around. So have faith in yourself, and tell yourself a different story- one that resonates confidence & positivity, and even strike a pose whilst you’re at it (superman) as it’s been shown to be a way to reverse engineer confidence through leading with your actions first before your mind catches up.?

"Preparation, as much as it sucks and takes a lot of time, is key and part of that is you visualising yourself in that moment so you’re further prepared mentally and have the ability to approach that moment with confidence[1]."

A final note on the mindset. It turns out that we have the same symptoms whether we’re afraid, worried or excited so you can reinterpret the systems to thrive[5]. Sweat, anxiety and other signs are often seen as stress to us but we can change that view on it and think of it as helpful and view it as a way your body is helping you rise to the challenge instead[6]. Your mind is a powerful force, you can choose how you interpret and react to those feelings.

Stress, who needs it?

Stress is something I’ve probably lived with one way or another throughout my life. I guess I’m just naturally a pretty stressed person! Don’t get me wrong though, a lot of it was self-inflicted stress, stress that I could have avoided if I had say better prepared for an exam instead of leaving it last minute- and similarly, my assignments. Most recently though, stress came in the form of balancing life in general. Being new to fatherhood, I felt I handled a lot of things well and supported my wife pretty well too but little did I know, in the back of my mind, all these things I was balancing- work, taking care of a baby, helping around the house, making time for others, etc.,- compounded with a lack of sleep and next to no exercise, all these things weighed on my mind and made me almost lose myself and be constantly anxious, a desire to be alone, and with any little challenge stressing me out. Now I know the importance of having my own time to recharge, how much sleep really affects me as I age and how exercise needs to fit into my life.?

In other domains though, say any situation you perceive as highly stressful be it a sport, speech or just needing to talk to someone, you can re-interpret that stress. Like we mentioned before, the way your body responds to stress is actually the same as how it reacts to feelings like joy & courage. The sweat, the anxiety, the elevated heart rate and more are the same physiological responses. So why does one feel good and positive whilst the other negative? It can come down to simply the way you perceive it. If you think of the ‘stress’ instead as the way your body is helping you rise to the challenge and that these feelings are actually signs of excitement, you become less stressed, more confident and you even reduce the risk of dying due to stress related ailments[6]. If health isn’t enough of a motivation, 25% of job success is affected by IQ whilst the other 75%? Optimism levels, social support, and the ability to see stress as a challenge rather than a threat.?

When future opportunities arise but you’re stressed, look for meaning in it to chase it rather than base a decision off how challenging and stressful it might be. Remember too that because of our impact bias, we typically think something will be worse than it really turns out to be.?

Life & Motivation

These days especially, and perhaps one of my own greatest motivations to write this, life can be hard mentally and the motivation to do anything-let alone doing something that’ll improve yourself- is becoming more difficult. I’m generally pretty positive, try to see the good in everything and want to live life to the fullest and I even understand that the challenges we have with lockdowns are probably nothing compared to the struggles of many others living in poverty or other unfortunate circumstances, however it’s still difficult sometimes. In this segment, I’ve put together some of the lessons, stories and learnings that I’ve found inspiring and helpful in reminding myself that I can take action to bring me back to my original self.?

Some good quotes to kick us off;?

• Perfect is not the goal. We’re not trying to be perfect, we’re trying to get better[1].?
• Live life like you could die, that you are mortal - Memento Mori (remember you will die so live life right now)[1]. In a similar less bleak manner, you could live life like the thing you’re about to do, will be the last time you’ll ever experience that event itself. As mentioned previously, this is just one of the methods you can use to break out of hedonic adaptation[4].?
• At dawn, if you have trouble getting out of bed, ask yourself, is this what you’re meant for? Were you made to feel nice under the sheets or work and achieve greatness?[1]?
• Great performance is not reserved for a preordained few, it is available to you and everyone.?
• Every day may not be good.. But there is something good in every day- Alice Morse Earle
• One’s life has value so long as one attributes value to the life of others.- Simone De Beauvoir
• Don’t focus on the pain. Focus on the progress.- Dwayne Johnson
• 90% of success is just showing up. Get there and start working. You’re not going to feel perfect everyday- Joe Rogan
• There is no passion to be found playing small- in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living- Nelson Mandela.?
• Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength-Arnold Schwarzenegger

Of course, there are times when you feel like you’ve hit a rut, and one that’s been lasting for longer than you would have liked. It’s hard, and counterintuitive, but in instances like these, we have to reverse engineer our motivation and happiness. We have to lead with the body and the mind will follow as opposed to the other way around. Force yourself back into the routines that create positive behaviours to get you out of those unproductive states, the anti-social behaviours or being constantly tired[9]. It’s the only way to get back to the best you. That feeling of loneliness? It’s ironic but the way to get over that is by helping another lonely person- offer someone else a shoulder to cry on.?

Social connections really matter to your health and happiness. Even if it’s a 5 minute conversation with someone random or something more meaningful like connecting with someone you care about-and genuinely connect in those moments, not just surface level conversations. Robert Waldinger found that based on the 75 year old study of Harvard students throughout their lives[12], good relationships keep us happier and healthier. When you’re lonely, it makes you less happy, your health declines earlier, your brain function declines sooner and you live a shorter life than those who are not lonely. It’s not just the number of relationships that matter either, it’s the quality of those relationships that matter more-those that are good, warm, protective relationships. It was even found that positive relationships have flow on effects to the severity of pains from any ailments! So rekindle those relationships with partners, friends and family because it’s not fame and fortune which will make you happy & healthy, it’s connection.

On Purpose

Probably the hardest, most asked question out there is what’s the purpose of life? Or what is the meaning of life? While I won’t pretend I’ve found the answer, I think that we each have the ability to find our own purpose. We may not know why we exist and the ‘end state’ of life itself, but we have the ability to define our own purpose, path and journey in our life.?

There’s generally 3 ways to find purpose[7];

1. Develop it gradually (e.g., pursuing It via a hobby)
2. Find it by being inspired by others
3. Stumble upon it by a life circumstance.

Our purpose is also commonly described as our ‘Why’ and figuring out our why is not for a statement about who we aspire to be, it’s about expressing who we are when we are at our natural best[2]. If none of the above have happened just yet in your life to find your purpose, try this exercise;?

1. Call a friend who you could call at 3am, and they’d be there for you-it can’t be family.?
2. Ask ‘why are we friends’, ‘what is it about me that I could call you at 3am’ and keep asking those questions in different ways?
3. Eventually, you’ll get to the underlying reason which may come in the form of ‘you inspire them to’ or some feeling that you give to them.?
4. They’re effectively telling you your ‘why’ in life2.?

Scary I know but worth a try! Like with most things, there’s not a guarantee that one particular method will work for everyone so if the previous task didn’t work, try another below.?

Remember at least 10 impactful memories in your life, good or bad, that would have strong emotions attached to it and be very specific about that story. Typically these are the memories that end up shaping who you are and your ‘why’. Some rules to craft your ‘why’ include;

1. It should be simple and clear
2. Actionable
3. Focused on the effect you’ll have on others,
4. Expressed in affirmative language that resonates with you
5. Follows the format of ‘To _ so that _’ where it describes the contribution you’ll make on the life of others and the impact that contribution will have.?

An example could be ’To inspire people to do the things that inspire them so that together, we can change our world’- that’s Simon Sinek’s one. It’s the contribution part ‘to inspire others’ that gives him the focus he needs every day and drives the activities he does daily. Remember, your Why, is born from past experiences, it is the sum total of the lessons you learned, the experiences you had, and the values you adopted while growing up. Think of the specific experience and people that have shaped your life.?

Some pretty powerful questions to help you think are;

• Who in your life helped make you the person you are today. When exactly did they exemplify what you admire most about them.
• Think of a time at work when you might have said ‘I would have done that for free’
• At school, what was an experience you loved

"Remember to tell your story-any story- with Why, then How, then What. Not the other way around because it’s the only way you can truly differentiate yourself and convey your unique story[2].?"

If you’re still looking for more, try a few of these other methods;

• Gratitude is a means of finding purpose and people practising this, will naturally think about how they want to give back, which becomes their purpose[10].?
• Imagine your life at 40 years of age, things have gone as well as you possibly hoped, what will you be doing? Why? 10 Who will be in your life? Why? What will be most important to you? Why?
• One definition of purpose: An intention to accomplish something that’s meaningful to the self and leads to engagement in some aspect of the world beyond the self.
• Knowing, having goals and a purpose beyond the now makes the challenges of the now less difficult[7].
• Finding your ‘why’ is important so you know where you’re headed[1,2]. Think of what happens when you get this certain goal though? Then what??

Emily Esfahani Smith, a renowned writer and? psychologist, spoke about the importance of meaning in life over 10 years ago, and that meaning is more fulfilling than happiness[3]. She described four pillars of a meaningful life;

1. Belonging: Being in relationships where you’re valued for who you are intrinsically and you call the other person in the same way
2. Purpose: Less about what you want, rather it’s about what. You give. Use your strength to serve others as it gives you a why to drive forward.
3. Transcendence: ‘Flow’ you feel connected to a higher reality
4. Storytelling: The story you tell yourself about yourself and creating the narrative of how you became you. Your story, even though factual, can be interpreted your way, perceived your way.

So if you’re ever feeling a lack of purpose, try out one of the many methods above but remember it’s not an exhaustive list, just a list that resonated with me and made me think.?

Concluding remarks

Whilst this was just the beginning of a never ending journey to live a meaningful, purposeful & happy life, I felt these stories and lessons resonated with me the most and can act as something I can look back on if I’m ever in doubt again. If I had to sum it up, I would say that it’s important to be in the moment & grateful because our expectations of what might make us happy or unhappy are usually over exaggerated. Find that positivity and happiness in the moment, this moment- regardless of if you believe in the law of attraction, there’s evidence that shows being positive & happy triggers a physiological change in you. Your productivity increases, stress falls and that radiates from you whether it’s through microexpressions you give out or maybe it just gives you the ability to recognise (attract) the opportunities you might otherwise have missed. By starting with happiness, instead of waiting for it to happen only once you’ve ‘succeeded’ and achieved that goal, you actually start a cycle from happiness to achievement to happiness again and more. If you’re really struggling to make yourself happy now, reverse engineer it and do the activities that’ll get you back on track to being the best you, including exercise, better sleeping habits, routine- lead with the body and the mind will follow.?

You have the ability to, so wouldn’t you rather be happy now?

Sources I learnt from that you can dive deeper into if any of the above was interesting to you and you’d like to hear/see more in a way more eloquent than my writing.? Note I’m in no way associated with any of these sources- though I’d love to meet every single one.?

1. Chris Bosh, The Daily Stoic Podcast?

2. Simon Sinek, Finding your Why.?

3. Emily Esfahani Smith, there is more to life than being happy. ?

4. Yale University Course, The Science of Wellbeing

5. Talent is Overrated, Geoff Colvin ??

6 .Kelly McGonigal, How to make stress your friend

7. Hidden Brain podcast ?

8. Dan Pink, The Puzzle of Motivation

9. Simon Sinek, Start with Why

10. Purpose challenge

11. Shawn Achor- The happy secret to better work?

12. Dan Gilbert: The surprising science of happiness