Hands. Face. Space...but what's that taste?

Coronavirus has given me a harsh wake-up call. Along with acknowledging that there was so much that I took for granted and the ever-deepening gratitude I have for those that are working so hard to keep us safe and healthy during the pandemic, there is one thing that I am struggling to come to terms with. I feel ashamed and I’m struggling to look myself in the mirror without shaking my head in disgust. And its all been brought into sharp focus by a thin piece of material now almost-permanent strapped to the front of my face. Put simply, I can handle more lockdowns, I can cope with golf courses being closed, I can get my head around shivering outside the coffee shop when 2 people are already inside waiting to be served. But what I can’t handle is the utter, rank, gag-flexing smell of my own breath!

Lordy lord, please tell me I’m not the only one wondering why my mouth feels like the bottom of a budgie cage and my breath smells like the damp, dark corner of a children’s soft play centre on a Saturday afternoon?

Now, I’m a pretty good kisser. There, I said it. No time for modesty here, but to everyone I’ve ever kissed, what the hell were you thinking?…especially those who came back for a second helping. My breath is rancid…and not just first thing in the morning or after an extended period of exercise. I can clean my teeth twice and then immediately take a stroll up the road to the local convenience store and by the time I stick my mask on ready to go inside my breath smells like I’ve spent all of that time licking the inside of pooper scooper bin.

As a result, my weekly food shop bill has gone through the roof. I now order Trebors Extra Strong Mints by the shipping container load and I’m getting through so much mouth wash I had a visit from the anti-terrorism police checking-up on me to see if I was constructing a chemical weapon.

I love coffee, but I think mask-wearing is pushing me towards give up anything with flavour or lingering taste as I just can’t look at myself. What must it be like for people that smoke? For those folks, lets be honest, their breath was pretty rank before all of this. Imagine chewing on stale smokers breath, all trapped inside the mask, all day? That said, when I think about it, masks are stopping the rest of us having to share the Marlboro-Gold-mixed-with-general-mouth-bacteria odour that they love to share with us when they stroll back inside from their nicotine fix.

Actually, maybe that’s it. Maybe the wearing of masks could be put into law for all Smokers* when the pandemic is over. When buying cigarettes you should be require to present your mask to prove that you have the necessary equipment to be a legal smoker. The smoker must then wear a mask in all enclosed work and public spaces for the next hour following a cigarette break or until an adequate amount of breath freshening has taken place.

Bottom line is, when this thing is over (staying positive that it will be over one day) I will never take my breath fragrance for granted again. I fully intend to maintain a sense of positive paranoia. As for kissing, forget it. My kissing career is well and truly over. My French kissing career was over long ago but even casual cheek (face) kissing with friends is to end. They don’t deserve it and I can’t possible consume enough mint-flavoured products without causing 2nd degree burns to the inside of my gob to put my mind at rest.

Now, if you're thinking to yourself ‘my breath doesn’t actually smell too bad behind my mask’, then well done you. I’m guessing that you are in the minority. Or, you are kidding yourself and your self-odour tolerance is way higher than mine.

In my place of work, our early adoption of masks and gloves has so far helped us to keep our people safe and prevent an outbreak. Having to get used to sucking on our whiffy vapour is a small price to pay. They may have closed the gyms but my gag reflex is getting a healthy work out every day. 

Stay safe everyone.

*written by a reformed former smoker which means I am just the worst sort of hypocrite, but don’t let that spoil your day.