Handling Manipulative People You Come Across Successfully

All of us can easily recall numerous incidences - where others have manipulated us or taken us for a ride or have taken advantage of us unfairly or have emotionally blackmailed us.

 Sometimes, we too might have intentionally used the trust and faith of others - to hustled them for our advantage.

 We might sometimes feel helpless – when it is done by the people who are closer to us [and especially if we have repeatedly given in to these manipulations submissively] – it hurts really bad and we may nurture grudge for longtime, which is self-destructive and self-damaging.

 Strangers taking advantage of our being respectful and polite – would definitely make us angry - but most of us would manage to overcome it faster.

 In this article - Let us understand the psychology behind the people who intentionally and in a planned way manipulate others AND how to identify AND deal with them effectively.

 We will never accomplish anything in life by staying closer to a manipulative person- as they will often take you through an emotional roller coaster and hinder your success as their focus is to keep you under their control and boost their Ego.

 Further - It is not our responsibility to fix, change or save them or even endure them – therefore it is always better to keep distance from them.

 Manipulation is an emotionally unhealthy psychological strategy used by people who are incapable of asking for help in a direct way and to control others because of their emotional insecurities.

 Manipulation can happen from a pushy salesperson to an emotionally abusive partner.

 They may have following characteristics

1.   May look to the outside world as soft, meek, suffering, weak

2.   Are immensely cunning

3.   Know what they want

4.   Are generally great conversationalists

5.   They have polished their intelligence to a very higher level

6.   Don't generally have any values, principals and are without any scruples

7.   Can read and understand other's weaknesses

8.   Know how to please others to make them emotionally weaker to take advantage of

9.   Many would have mild-to-severe anti-social personality-disorders

 39 Traits Exhibited by Manipulators [in few of the traits – how to handle that behavior too is given]

 1.   Time Pressure - Manipulative persons will put you under the same kind of tension to force an immediate reaction, but don’t give in. If you know a decision needs to be made, decide before you have conversations with others what your process will be and how much time you need to consider all options.

2.   Recognize the subtle threat, coercing and emotionally controlling techniques – through the vagueness of the statement like - If you leave me, I may as well not be around. This is another common ploy in the things manipulative people say. Suicide was not actually mentioned. If the manipulator is challenged on it, they may claim that they never had any intention of committing suicide and also to say that "I never said that."

3.   Pushing You to Be Vulnerable First - They always want you to speak first – to know about your weaknesses first. They will let you talk about your feelings, and the response will depend on information which you give them

4.   While on the other hand, they will not reveal their own personal opinions.

5.   Don’t even correct them as you will only indulge yourself in it more.

6.   Avoiding Communication - When manipulators avoid answering your phone calls, messages, or meeting invitations, all they’re really saying is that you’re not worth their time. They make you wait because they want to feel more important, fragile, and vulnerable.

7.   If possible, the best solution is to stop calling the manipulator and find another way to get the job done. He or she will soon realize that they no longer have leverage. 

8.   Playing Dumb - Some people will pretend they don’t get your ideas only to avoid honoring their part

A.  They pretend ignorance and play dumb hoping that you’ll finish what they were supposed to do.

B.  In this case, the worst thing is to lose patience and do all the work on your own.

C.  Don’t let these people get away with their plan; be persistent and force them to take responsibility for their actions

9.   They use too much charm too soon - He/she might use charm you through compliments and then a while, ask you to do something for them – if you keep your eyes ears and brain open you would be able to detect that they are being nice to get their goals met.

10. They would withhold information and overwhelm you with all the details regarding a situation that you don’t even know.

11. They would overdo things - they do things for you and put them as if they did you a huge favor - Then they expect you to return those favors and complain if you do not.

12. They will fake their tears and tell you how unloved they feel. Stop letting manipulators fool you around as it will only bring down your self-confidence with time.

13. They can't live without blaming

14. Gaslighting – when the manipulators claim or make you believe through verbal, expressions, non-verbal gestures - That didn't happen and that You only imagined it and lastly that you are crazy - it works to distort and erode your sense of reality

15. Projection -Projection is a defense mechanism used to displace responsibility of one's negative behavior and traits by attributing them to someone else - We all do it a little, but narcissists and psychopaths do it a lot

16. Generalizations -Rather than taking the time to carefully consider a different perspective, they generalize anything and everything you say, making blanket statements that don't acknowledge the nuances in your argument or take into account the multiple perspectives you've expressed

17. Moving the goal posts - After you've provided all the evidence in the world to validate your argument or taken an action to meet their request-they set up another expectation of you or demand more proof

18. Changing the subject – when they face the prospects of being held accountable - they will reroute discussions to benefit them. This sort of thing can go on forever if you let it, making it impossible to actually engage on the relevant issue- to fight this Continue stating the facts without giving in to their distractions – like a stuck needle on a record. Redirect their redirection by saying -That's not what I am talking about – Let us focus on this issue only

19. When a toxic person fails to manipulate the way you see yourself - they start tactics to control how others see you – by playing martyr while you're labeled the toxic one – few hall of fame manipulators will even divide and conquer, pitting two people or groups against each other

20. Destruction of your reputation - emotional abusers do this all the time--they devalue their exes to their new partners, and eventually the new partner starts to receive the same sort of mistreatment as the narcissist's ex-partner- this dynamic can happen in the professional as well as in the personal one

21. Triangulation - One of the smartest ways truly toxic people distract you from their nastiness is by focusing your attention on the supposed threat of another person. This is called triangulation - To resist the tactic, realize that the third party in the drama is being manipulated as well--he or she is another victim, not your enemy

22. They start with a small and reasonable request—like, do you have the time to listen – then they will try to take you into their emotional drama – which may take hours to unfold YET which will be repetition of same from many different words, sentences and phrases

23. Or they will make a big request – and once you have rejected it – then they will make making a smaller one

24. Lying

25. Denial - This is not subconscious-denial BUT denial through being conscious to disclaim knowledge of promises, agreements, and behavior. Denial also includes minimization and rationalization or excuses

26. Avoidance - Manipulators want to avoid being confronted and taking responsibility at all costs. They may avoid conversations about their behavior by simply refusing to discuss it.

27. Another avoidance tactic is evasiveness that blurs the facts, confuses you and plants doubt

28. Blame, Guilt, and Shame - Manipulators believes in attacking rather than defending - by shifting the blame the manipulator remains innocent and free to carry on - while their victims now feel guilt and shame.

29. Intimidation

30. Playing the Victim - This poor-me tactic is used to make you feel guilty and arise your sympathy so you’ll do what they want

31. Manipulators use one of our most astounding, useful, and beautiful human characteristics for conning us—empathy – which they themselves lack totally.

32. Making you feel – all or many of the following

A.  You are stupid

B.  You are ignorant

C.  You are useless

D.  You are a disappointment

E.  You are pathetic

F.   You are worthless

G.  You are a loser

H.  You are hopeless

I.    You are too sensitive

J.   You are too serious

K.  You can't take a joke

L.   Aggressive Behavior

33. They will cross your boundaries – and will point fingers at you if they break it

34. Manipulative people are those who disguise their interests as your interests

35. They'll act concerned - They'll offer to help you improve your performance, improve your attitude, and improve your life in general. That’s what they want you to believe.

36. The truth is these people don’t want to help you. They want to control you.

37. They want to change you, not to better your life, but to validate their lives and to keep you from outgrowing them.

38. Once you let manipulative people in your life, they can be extremely hard to get rid of. They'll flip flop on issues, act slippery when you try to hold them accountable, and promise help that never comes.

39. They give you Unsettling Stare sometimes with a smile – and when you ask them – they won't explain instead they will ask you to mind read When you do that – they will use it to demean you if you happen to come out with negatives about them

 There are a lot of manipulative people out there and chances are that you have dealt with or are right now in relationship with one - but can stop them pushing you around by turning the tables to them.

 46 Tips to Deal with Manipulative People Successfully - Disarming a Manipulative Sociopath

 1.   Saying NO firmly and repeatedly – till they understand that, their techniques won't work with them [ because manipulators always exploit our inability to say No

2.   Set your own prioritize without feeling guilty

3.   Ignore them - Ignore their tactics to provoke you

4.   Stop thinking that you would be able to change them [you could if you become GOD – but with seemingly so many manipulators around even GOD is finding it difficult to correct-them, fix-them, make them-realize their mistakes etc. Etc.]

5.   Stop trying being nice and to help them to change - you sink deeper into their trap - by causing confusion and frustration – after you have put lots of time, efforts, energies to correct them [this they do to draw you into their emotional-control and also to find out the things that trigger you]

6.   Many times, it is not possible to create distance from them – especially if they are someone like your boss, coworker, or family member – in these – agree with them yet do what you feel is right

7.   Manipulators will always try to make sure to make you guilty of your past failures and mistakes [even small ones] – when they have created enough doubt in your mind, that you start questioning your own worth- they gain power over you

8.   Understand that you deserve to feel good about yourself and to be proud of your accomplishments

9.   Create a greater sense of purpose for your life – and always focus on your Big-Picture of where you want to be in life next 10 or 15 years and whether these manipulative people have any role in your life

10. Be as Unemotional as them – because their energy comes from your emotional upheavals

11. Ask Them Direct Questions in which they need to share how they feel, what they want, what they are prepared to do etc. Etc. – they will always give a vague and general blanket answers

12. Find their pattern & point It Out with a smile in eyes and in real humor – it disarms them by confusing - for full read "How to Deal with Manipulative People" in the DIY blog section from the heart of Subhashis in Success Unlimited Mantra