HANDLING OF LIVESTOCK IN THE WILD, WILD WEST

I wonder if John Wayne were alive today, what he’d say about corralling livestock in today’s seemingly draconian 21st century regulatory environment?

True grit?

In those John Ford westerns of the previous century, even them lawless cattle-rustlers who donned 10-gallon black hats knew dang-well the importance of keeping one’s distance from them temperamental red bulls; including honoring that hard-wired magic that living-legend Temple Grandin refers to as the flight-zone and its charmed accompaniment; points-of-balance.

With the exception of those irritable diamondback rattlers or some superfluous HSUS/PETA vigilante wanna-bees always hiding behind a tumbleweed, even those legendary poachers, the Hatfield’s and McCoy’s, knew darn-well the good, the bad, and the ugly of wearing or not wearing their personal protective equipment in the guise of extended boots, blue-jeans, colorless shirts, leather gloves, and pallid hats - all topped off with a dollop of common-cattle-sense, that’ll help ‘em avoid some premature unmarked grave on some lonesome god-forsaken prairie.

No more post-office mug shots in the likes of Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kids needed!

Gone with the wind too are the old days of Poncho Villa mentalities, long-winded gunslingers, high-charged cattle prodders, and those smoking and roping Marlboro men.

Today’s 21st century livestock handlers are a completely different breed and constitution.

And rightly so, partner.

The sights, smells, and organic ground residuals of them Texas Longhorns may be the only things that haven’t changed; besides those old black cauldrons hanging just above campfires on them high western plains - all under that expansive canopy we call the Milky Way.

Well go ahead and reach for the sky, Woody! There’s more doggone ways of getting stitches while working around livestock than there are western movies shown on TNT.

Sarge, sound the safety bugle and open them corral gates.

From the moment livestock are unloaded and staring down at their imminent high-noon showdown at the O.K. corral, up to and including the bleeding stage of slaughter, there’s a number of preventive safety measures your hired hands can do to foil any unscheduled appointment with Doc Holiday.

This cybernetic short series will flow smoother than your recently reassessed HACCP flow chart does for slaughter; with no FSIS deputies threatening ya’ to change it ‘cause of their polished badges.

I’ll frequently adjust my eyepiece so we can better target them occupational hazards with some pastoral time-proven safety schemes to dodge and duck them doggone OSHA arrows, blow-darts, tomahawks and perennial greenback fines.

We’ll start out in them monochrome unloading ramps, holding pens, and alleyways, all paved with serpentine waffled grounds, while ambulating by salt licks, water and hay troughs.

We’ll lumber our way through USDA ante-mortem inspection, head-restraints whenever applicable, including authentic cow washes, (to help rid of them blasted E. coli micro-critters) right up to the final chute; including them knocking, shackling, sticking ‘n bleeding steps of slaughter.

This occupational safety series will give you readers enough Teflon coverage for your flipsides, so you and your hired-hands can circle-the-wagons and witness plenty many of them western sunsets - right alongside those star-spangled All-American favorites; Marshall Rooster Cogburn and his singing Wichita Lineman- the Rhinestone Cowboy.

9/5/2012 MEATINGPLACE.COM