Handling feedback, you didn't ask for!

Here they come.? You have been expecting it!? You had the feeling that they were not happy about something.?

It starts… ‘I have been meaning to talk to you about something, is now a good time?”? You have to say yes, even though you have a million other things calling for your attention.? But you know it is better to get this thing, standing awkwardly between you, out in the open.?

They start by describing an interaction that happened a few days ago to explain why they feel there is a problem between you both.? You remember the occasion and feel relieved that they read the situation wrong, and you can give a full and fair explanation from your perspective.?

STOP…back up this recording before you start to tell them your truth.?

I call it a recording because I have witnessed and heard this same interaction play out multiple times; too many to count.?

Earlier in my career, I was the Leader who reacted to these types of conversations, ranging from being certain I could explain and correct the misunderstanding all the way through to being defensive, desperately trying to hide my anger and indignation.? My feelings were reasonable and justified, but my response was anything but helpful.?

What I know now and wish I knew then, was that the complaint was not all about me.? It was bigger and beyond me.? But I made assumptions and reacted defensively, and then it was about me.?

What I should have done was… SHUT UP and LISTEN, then, ASK QUESTIONS.? Ask questions to encourage the person to express their feelings and perspectives fully.? Then ask more questions about how they have expressed their feelings and perspectives.? Never assume you know and add fuel to the fire by saying things like “I know how you feel”.? That is bullsh!t, unless you are a clairvoyant, you do not know how someone else feels.???

But you can come close enough to be able to describe in your own words and ask if you are getting the gist of their perspective.?

I’ve been talking about ‘sage conversations’ in the Sandbox for years.? The kind of conversation where everyone feels heard, understood and their perspective appreciated.? When this happens, trust is built; temperatures are lowered; self-reflection and empathy grow.? Notice, I did not say that people must agree with one another for the conversation to be ‘sage’.?

There is so much to be explored and uncovered when two people have different opinions and have the disposition to fully hear and appreciate the ideas of another person.?

This is a tough conversation, no doubt.? But you control the temperature of the conversation by asking questions, not telling or defending.? My mantra in every conversation, and especially in tough conversations:???

ASK; LISTEN; REFLECT; ASK MORE.?

As I write this, I vividly remember a painful interaction where I attempted to tell and defend, only to have it become ever uglier. I learned from that situation, and I can talk about it now.? What about you????

Ready to share??