Handling difficult conversations

Does the picture above offend you?

If so, why does it offend you and how does it make you feel?

Do you see it as a harmless fun and tradition?

If this was done as part of work event you attended would you still have the same view?

What if I were with you, would you feel uncomfortable if I asked you to explain this?

In our places of work (and in our life outside) there are always going to be difficult conversations. We are not going to agree on everything and sometimes it takes life changing events to pull that stuff out. Think BREXIT and TRUMP. We see the world through different lenses. What may offend one of us can be dismissed by another. We are all guilty of having biases based on our cultural upbringing and surroundings and sometimes we share them sometimes we don't.

As a communications coach, one of the things I realise a lot of people are not equipped for is dealing with conflict. When I am coaching executives or other professionals who are delivering high-stakes presentations, one of the core areas for me is getting the presenter ready to deal with objections. How will you react to these questions?

When an investor takes a dislike to your assumptions about market size?

When a client halts you in the middle of a sales pitch to say they preferred your competitor?

When someone talks over you in a meeting, rephrases your pitch/idea and then gets the credit?

When a stakeholder, feels that your customer service does not align with the story or your corporate identity?

When you ask your colleagues for feedback on your presentation and they tear into all the negatives before telling you what went well?

Our reactions to these objections are primarily emotional. No one likes to be caught off guard and no matter how good your poker face, people can see when you are pissed off. Part of building confidence in my clients is getting them to think about those objections which in turn makes for an ever stronger presentation where care and concern has been placed not just on the delivery but the validity of the content too.

Many people don't like talking politics in work. I totally get that. You want to go in, do your job and go home. The truth is, in our hyperconnected world, we are never too far from a debate that can cause conflict and difficult conversations. Some which can be avoided (or deferred to the pub) others which can't. So here are some of the pointers I think can be used to deal with difficult conversations. Whilst they are primarily aimed at those which may crop up in work, the principle is universal.

1. Get clarity. I find the attached picture offensive. The reason being is because such traditions were created in an era where blackface was shaped in mimicry of black people. That said I am aware of a number of traditions who see the "Moorish" caricature as story arc as part of the winter solstice. I don't agree with it, but I get why others won't be offended.
2. Time and Space. Whilst some difficult conversations need to be had on the spot, there is much to be said for where they occur and for how long. In one of my first jobs, I had to have a conversation with a colleague around personal hygiene. Others knew I was asked to talk about it, so I waited for an opportunity when others weren't around to address what was a contentious issue.
3. Learn to listen. It is very easy to be part of a difficult conversation and not want to react to everything that is said. If the parties can agree to allow others to speak without interruption and provide a space for active listening (repeating back to make sure you heard correctly) it can and often does reduce the temperature of the conflict. Also if you don't have an answer there and then, it is possible to say that you can come back with an answer later.
4. Facts not fable. Tension can escalate if a difficult conversation is based on hearsay and opinion as opposed to fact. If you are giving a presentation that is data rich or even if you are using anecdotes, ensure it is relevant and can be explained. People can argue with fiction all day long but facts is another story.
5. Third party. Sometimes it can be that the difficult conversation may require a third party who is neutral. Who can observe or facilitate such conversations to ensure all voices are heard and none diminished.
6. Focus on the present. It is easy in a conflict or difficult conversation, to have list of sins committed in the past. Such lists are emotional triggers and don't move the conversation forward.
7. Be respectful. Take a deep breath before you speak. Keep notes of what you think you are going to say (pre-planned meetings) or keep notes of what is being said (for the record). The action of having to keep a note of what is being said has an amazing effect on making sure people don't say offensive or hurtful things, in the moment, that can come back to haunt them.

I am, by default, a hot head. Push my buttons and I am off to rip you a new one. And not just you, but your family. Heck, your ancestors too. What I have had to learn over the years is that difficult, or should I call them honest, conversations are a necessary part of our fabric. Personally and professionally.

One of the best ways to deal with such conversations is to plan ahead. That way we come to a situation less emotional and better prepared. Those principles can apply to meetings, presentations and water cooler moments.

Would love your thoughts?

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