Handling the Big Emotions of Change

What Do We Feel During Change?

In the article ‘I’m Struggling Through a Restructure, What’s Wrong With Me?’, I talk about the time during change between what was and what is yet to come, and describe the typical emotions and feelings that we, as human beings being human, go through.

The reader is introduced to The Personal Transition Curve (John Fisher, 2012), and the typical experience we have in times of transition during change: anxiety, disbelief, happy, excitement, fear, uncertainty, threat, losing confidence, disillusionment, unmotivated, denial, ignoring, guilt, shame, depression, crisis, acceptance, exploring and testing, moving on, new confidence.?

Why Do We Feel So Much During Change?

The spaghetti of emotions and feelings we experience is a natural reaction and response to uncertain and ambiguous times. We are wired to look for and avoid danger as if our life depended on it, to work out whether we are safe or not, to seek out certainty, to be sure before we can even think about letting our guard down. During times of change, our innermost instincts are screaming at us that our survival is at risk.

“Our emotions help us make sense of our surroundings and provide needed input for managing ourselves and responding effectively to others” - Brene Brown

What Are Feelings and Emotions?

Psychology Today (2022) states that emotions originate as sensations in the body, whereas feelings are influenced by our emotions but are generated from our thoughts. In this article I’ll use the terms interchangeably. What’s important here is that our emotions and feelings are invaluable signals, signs, data and insight we can work with to help us navigate change and all we are going through.

How Can I Deal With Everything I’m Feeling?

Outlined below are Seven Super Steps to embracing what we feel during times of change by recognising what we are experiencing, seeing the value of our emotions even when they are tough to handle, and choosing to hear what they are trying to tell us so we can take the power back and work alongside all the emotion.

1. Identify and name your feelings

Sometimes we think we don’t really feel anything or can’t clearly establish what the feeling or feelings are. Numbness is also a feeling too. Sometimes this is because we are so overwhelmed by everything it all feels like one blur, and sometimes it can be because we are blocking out our feelings as they can be too much to bear in that moment.?

Hitting pause and stepping back for a moment to work out what we are feeling in the first place is the best place to begin. Carve out some time, and sit somewhere quiet, to tune into what you are experiencing. How would you describe this feeling? What is it ? Where do you notice it in your body? And if you’d like some tools to help you, you’ll find some recommendations in the section ‘What Else Can Help’ near the end.

“Having the correct words to describe specific emotions makes us better able to identify those emotions in others, as well as to recognise and manage the emotional experiences when we feel them in ourselves” - Brene Brown

2. Acknowledge their presence

Our feelings are a part of who we are. An expression of our very being. To ignore how others feel or to have our feelings ignored can be hurtful. So ignoring our own feelings, dismissing them as “silly” or something “we don’t have time for” can be painful. Why would we choose to do that to ourselves??

Letting ourselves know we are seen, that our feelings are heard, and are valid, is important. In itself this reduces the feeling of shame we can often feel around big changes in our lives - the feeling that we are wrong, flawed in some way, not enough. Acknowledging that our feelings are there matters. How we view or think about our feelings influences and causes further feelings. Seeing them as natural and a positive part of being human is much more compassionate than judging ourselves harshly for feeling what we do.

“I know running away from the pain and anxiety is way more risky than leaning in and locking eyes with it” - Brene Brown

3. Establish why now

It’s worth hitting pause, to step back, and notice what is going on for you right now that these emotions are present. What’s happening in general for you? What happened that specifically triggered what you're feeling right now? What thoughts led up to this point? This can help us to make sense of what we are experiencing. Which in turn helps to normalise what is going on for you.

No wonder you are feeling what you do all things considered. Of course you’re going to feel like that when this is happening. Putting your feelings into the context of the changes you are experiencing in your life and work helps you to establish the why and brings in more understanding, in itself reducing the feelings of confusion that may be arising.

“What does it mean if the vastness of human emotions and experience can only be expressed as mad, sad, or happy? What about shame, disappointment, wonder, awe, disgust, embarrassment… anxiety… overwhelm… and all the other emotions and experiences that define what it means to be human?” - Brene Brown

4. See emotions as a help, not a hindrance

The thing about being a human being is that we get to experience the kaleidoscope of feelings and emotions. From the moment we are hushed not to cry and express how we feel, especially in public, to when we try to wipe the stickier feelings away through life, we can have a tendency to think that we shouldn't experience or feel the tougher emotions. We can start to believe that the trickier feelings are ‘bad’, to be avoided, and just get in our way.

However, all of our emotions, especially the harder ones experienced in times of change, are invaluable data and insight into what is going on for us if we can embrace them, not shun them or shy away from them or view them harshly. A mindset shift in how we see our different feelings is needed to benefit from how helpful they actually are.??

“(emotions) signal rewards and dangers. They point us in the direction of our hurt. They can also tell us which situations to engage with and which to avoid. They can be beacons, not barriers, helping us identify what we most care about and motivating us to make positive changes” - Susan David

5. Ask the key question

If you only take one step forward from this list of seven, take this one. This is my always go-to step when my feelings are overwhelming me, when I’ve lost sight of what’s going on for me, when I’m in a complete, as I call it, muddly pickle (when my emotions are all over the place).

This step helps me to pick up my emotions one by one with kindness, to hold them, to be with them for a while, and to calmly ask them “what are you telling me I need?”. For example, my anxiety can tell me I need perspective and to come back to what is, not what if; my fear can tell me I need reassurance and to know I am safe; my disappointment can tell me I had unmet expectations about something or someone; my envy can tell me what is missing in my life that I need.

“What are you telling me I need?” - Gillian Gabriel

6. Choose how to respond

When we react to something it is instant, without pause and thought. When we respond, we take that moment to consider things, and make a different decision about what we do next. In the pause there is the opportunity to gain new information and to give ourselves choice. With all of the awareness gained from the first five steps we start to take the power of our emotions and feelings back into our own hands.

We’ve identified them, acknowledged them and therefore ourselves, understood the context and realised why, welcomed them in as a helpful part of ourselves, listened to what they are telling us we need, and now we get to decide what we do with all that insight. We work with our emotions rather than against them.

We choose what we do to meet our needs, the very needs our feelings were screaming at us but we couldn’t hear to begin with. Now that you have listened and heard what your emotions are telling you you need, what is one first next step you’ll choose to take towards that?

?“When we don’t understand how our emotions shape our thoughts and decisions, we become disembodied from our own experiences and disconnected from each other” - Brene Brown

7. Remember this will pass

My meditation teacher talks about emotions and feelings being passing sensations in our bodies that are not as solid or permanent as we can think they are in the moment. This has really stayed with me. When we are knee deep in what we are feeling and it can be too big, too much, too overwhelming, it helps to take a big deep breath in and to then slowly release the breath back out while remembering “this will pass”. What you are feeling intensely right now in this moment will move on. You won’t feel like this always or forever.

There is something about not trying to rush past or through the feelings. Again, if we resist what we feel this will only get caught up inside and hang around much longer. So this is about continuing to accept our feelings as present and a natural part of ourselves,? while reassuring ourselves that they don’t last forever and other feelings will come and go. And, yes, these ones will come to visit another time, but that’s ok because you’ve got your Super Seven Steps to support you as you work with what you are feeling, rather than against.

“This will pass” - Gillian Gabriel

What Else Can Help?

In her book, Atlas of the Heart, Brene Brown explores eighty seven emotions and experiences organised into groups categorised as ‘Places we go when…’, categories such as: when things are uncertain or too much, when we compare, when we’re hurting, when we fall short, and when life is good. The book covers the emotions and experiences Brene’s research found are experienced the most often, and those people struggle to name or label most. This book can help you identify, recognise and understand the emotions you are experiencing and give you the language to talk about them.?

The Box of Emotions: 80 Cards to Make Sense of Your Feelings, produced by Wellcome Collection, is another resource which captures different emotions in a user-friendly way, invaluable when trying to work out what is going on for you. The cards are arranged by colour, with one side of the card having a visual illustration, the other side text, to help you recognise, explore and understand the full range of your emotions.

The Emotions Wheel is also a favourite and a great starting point to establish your overarching feeling, then look closer inside the wheel to pinpoint your specific emotions or feelings. Doing a google search brings up lots of Emotions Wheels letting you choose which you’d like to work with.?

One last favourite of mine are the BOpeepal? cards produced by Double Bubble Coaching. As it says on the box: When words fail, use a different language… These cards are illustrated with cartoon type pictures of people experiencing different emotions on one side, on the other side the intended emotion is captured in text. The power in these cards comes from selecting the picture on the card(s) which resonate most with how you are feeling which can help you to identify the feeling(s) and talk about what it’s like for you.

“When we don’t have the language to talk about what we’re experiencing, our ability to make sense of what’s happening and share it with others is severely limited”?- Brene Brown

Next Steps

Working through our emotions can be really hard to do on our own. Sometimes it helps to work with someone who is very comfortable with others’ emotions and is qualified in working with emotions in a professional way.

I can work with you, and your wonderful emotions, to get past the enormity washing over you, to help you untangle what you are feeling, and listen to the clues about what your feelings are telling you you need as you navigate the change you are going through. You can book an initial (free) exploratory conversation here.

#change #anxiety #confidence #hr #learninganddevelopment

References:

Allyn, Rachel (2022), The Important Difference Between Emotions and Feelings: Understanding this distinction is crucial to healthy coping, Psychology Today, 23 February 2022.

Brown, Brene (2021), Atlas of the Heart, Vermilion.

David, Susan (2016), Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life, New York: Avery, pg. 85.

Fisher, John (2012), The Personal Transition Curve

Resources:

The Box of Emotions: 80 Cards to Make Sense of Your Feelings, produced by Wellcome Collection.

The Emotions Wheel - various versions available online.

BOpeepal? cards produced by Double Bubble Coaching.