Handle Emotional Blackmail

Handle Emotional Blackmail

Emotional blackmail is a dysfunctional form of manipulation that people use to place demands and threaten victims to get what they want.The undertone of emotional blackmail is if you don’t do what I want when I want it, you will suffer.The term was introduced by Susan Forward, Ph.D., in her book?Emotional Blackmail: When the People in Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You?(Forward & Frazier, 1998).She describes how emotional blackmail tactics are used by abusers to threaten in order to get what they want. In placing demands and threats, they create feelings of fear, guilt, and anger to solicit compliance from their victims. In doing so, they divert blame and responsibility to the victim for their own negative actions. Typically, this dysfunctional type of manipulation occurs in close relationships. Emotional blackmail is a concept recently developed and one receiving increased attention. The #MeToo movement is bringing education and awareness around the dynamics of emotional abuse and its powerful negative impact. In this article, we explore the meaning behind emotional blackmail, examples of this manipulation, the damage that occurs from this emotional abuse, and ways to handle it.

Before you continue, we thought you might like to?download our three Positive Relationships Exercises for free . These detailed, science-based exercises will help you or your clients build healthy, life-enriching relationships

Emotional blackmail is the process in which an individual makes demands and threats to manipulative another person to get what they want. It is a form of psychological abuse, causing damage to the victims. Their demands are often intended to control a victim’s behavior through unhealthy ways.

Emotional blackmail is a way of being manipulated by your partner. However, in these situations, it can be difficult to gauge and clearly point to whether the victim is being manipulated.

Leaders in the field, Susan Forward and Donna Frazier identify the power dynamic that occurs in such manipulation. They suggest that emotional blackmailers employ a fear – emotion – guilt tactic to get what they want.

FOG is a term named by Forward, suggesting that fear, obligation, and guilt are the dynamics in emotional blackmail between the manipulator and the victim. The acronym FOG also accurately describes the confusion and lack of clarity and thinking that can occur in these interpersonal dynamics. Emotional blackmail can create a fog and contribute to feelings of fear, obligation, guilt, and anxiety.

According to Forward, emotional blackmail occurs in close relationships. The manipulator leverages knowledge gained about the victim’s fears. Blackmailers will use the information they learn about what the victim fears to manipulate them.

Forward suggests that one of the most painful elements of emotional blackmail is that they use personal information about the victim’s vulnerabilities against them. Another trigger blackmailers will use is putting the victim’s sense of obligation to the test. They will commonly create undeserved guilt and blame to attribute their problems to the victim.

They make threats related to the victim’s emotional triggers to force compliance. For example, “If you don’t do what I want I will…leave you, tell your secrets, not love you…” They can also take advantage of the victim’s sense of responsibility and obligation. “All I do is work for this family, the least you could do is…” Blackmailers exploit the victim’s sense of guilt to create confusion and get the victim to give in to their demand.

Because the tactics can be covert, emotional blackmail may be difficult to spot, especially for those who may experience more vulnerabilities to it. According to Forward,

“Blackmailers make it nearly impossible to see how they’re manipulating us, because they lay down a thick fog that obscures their actions. All the while, if we attempt to fight back, they ensure that we literally can’t see what is happening to us.”

They can use covert techniques that create confusion by:

• Making their demands seem reasonable
• Make the victim feel selfish
• Pathologizing ?or making the victim seem as though they are crazy
• Ally with someone of influence to intimidate the victim

There are warning signs of emotional blackmail in a relationship:

• If one person frequently apologizes for things that are not their doing, such as the manipulator’s outburst, bad day, or negative behaviors.
• If one person insists on only their way or nothing, even if it is at the expense of the partner.
• It seems to be a one-way street of sacrifice and compliance.
• One person feels intimidated or threatened to obey or comply.

When in a dysfunctional cycle of emotional blackmail, the victim may be inclined to: apologize, plead, change plans to meet the others’ needs, cry, use logic, give in, or challenge. Typically, they will find it difficult to stand up for themselves, directly address the issue, set boundaries, and communicate with the blackmailer that the behavior is inappropriate.

They do not consistently set clear boundaries indicating what is acceptable for them.

Forward and Frazier recognize four types of blackmailing, each with varying manipulation tactics.

1. Punishers – Punishers operate with a need to get their way, regardless of the feelings or needs of the other person. Their motto is “my way or the highway.” Punishers will insist upon pushing for control and getting what they want with threats to inflict damage or harm.
2. Self-punishers – Individuals can make threats of self-harm if the partner does not comply with what they want.
3. Sufferers – this is the voice of a victim conveying guilt on the partner if they do not do what is demanded. If they don’t comply, there is a suggestion that their suffering will be the others’ fault. “After all?that I’ve done for you, you are going to let me suffer…?”
4. Tantalizers – This can be the most subtle and confusing form of manipulation. There is a promise of what will be better if they comply. It sparks hope yet is still connecting a threat to the demand.

Common in any abuse cycles, it is important to understand the progression of emotional blackmail. It usually starts as subtle or implicit comments and behaviors. The progression can be insidious, so one does not realize its impact until it has gotten severe.

A metaphor would be of the frog in boiling water. If you place a frog immediately into boiling water, its instincts will cause it to jump out because of the instant pain. However, if you place a frog in lukewarm water and slowly increase the heat, it does not recognize the pain as a danger signal at the same level of heat. The frog becomes desensitized as the water is heating up slowly.

The behaviors and impact of emotional blackmail can be similar.

There are six progressive steps identified in emotional blackmail:

1. A demand made from the manipulator. The manipulator will make a clear demand of what they want, tied with a threat. You need to pay my rent or I’ll leave you. You need to let me move in or I’ll tell your sister what you said about her.
2. Resistance from the victim. After the demand is identified, the victim may resist or feel the need to avoid the person because they are unsure how to handle the demand. The concerning part of this process is it is often an unsavory, unfavorable, or unreasonable demand placed on the victim.
3. Pressure from the manipulator. Manipulators of emotional blackmail are not concerned about pushing too hard. They will persist to get what they want no matter what it takes. They disregard hurt feelings or fear being created. Creating fear can even be the driving force behind the demand made. The manipulator may put pressure suggesting that the victim is being irrational, silly, or unreasonable themselves. This part of the process can cause the victim to begin to question their sense of reality and if they are wrong in feeling concerned about the demand being placed upon them. They begin to lose their healthy sense of perspective and what their gut is telling them. The manipulator may even turn the situation around to blame the victim or question their motives if they do not initially agree to the placed demand. Confusion is a big part of this process.
4. Threatening the victim. This is the part of the process where the manipulator is threatening to do or not do something to cause unhappiness, discomfort, or pain for the victim. If you don’t do this…then I will do this… They create a situation where the victim can be responsible for the promised negative outcome if they do not comply.
5. Victim compliance. The victim gives in, either quickly, or slow through a process of increasing self-doubt. They comply with the demand of the manipulator, often causing feelings of anxiety, guilt, fear, anger, or resentment.
6. The manipulator gets their way and subsides temporarily until the next demand of what they want comes up. The frequency of these behaviors and tendencies vary in all relationships involving emotional blackmail. Regardless of the consistency of these behaviors, it has a negative and toxic effect on the relationship and on the victim. Now the cycle is in place and the foundation is set for this pattern to continue.

In some situations, there may seem to be a fine line between indirect communication and manipulation. Emotional blackmail and indirect communication can both have passive aggressive undertones. The communication becomes manipulation and blackmail when it is used consistently to control another individual or coerce them into doing what the requestor demands.

The victim will typically feel resistance to comply, yet does it even at the cost of their own well-being.

There is also a distinction between setting healthy boundaries and emotional blackmail. In setting boundaries, the individual is asserting themselves and communicating what their needs are. Emotional blackmail involves conveying threats that will result in a punishment of the victim does not meet the request.

Someone engaging in emotional blackmail will demonstrate any or all of the following:

• Telling you that you are crazy for questioning them
• Controlling what you do
• Ignoring your concerns and pushback
• Avoiding taking accountability
• Constantly placing blame on others for their behaviors
• Providing empty apologies
• Using fear, obligation, threats, and guilt to get their way
• Unwilling to compromise
• Seemingly unconcerned about your needs
• Rationalizing their unreasonable behaviors and requests
• Intimidate you until you do what they want
• Blame you for something that you didn’t do so that you feel you have to earn their affection
• Accuse you of doing something you didn’t do
• Threaten to harm either you or themselves

The Victim

Victims of emotional blackmail typically feel insecure, unvalued, and unworthy. They often struggle with low?self-esteem ?and doubt their own needs. Victims can demonstrate the following characteristics:

• Approval seeking, people pleasing
• Extreme compassion and?empathy
• Tendency to take blame
• Tendency to feel pity for others
• Try to avoid conflict
• Peacekeeping habits
• Strong sense of responsibility and doing the “right thing”
• Fears of abandonment
• Sensitivity, inclination to personalize things
• Fear of anger
• Self-doubt, low self-esteem

The Impact

The stress of being in a relationship involving emotional blackmail can take a toll emotionally and physically on the victim. It compromises the victim’s sense of?integrity ?and?self-esteem . It causes victims to question their own sense of reality. It leads to negative and distorted thinking about themselves and their relationship. Victims of emotional blackmail often end up being isolated, experiencing extreme loneliness.

It impacts an overall sense of?well-being ?and contributes to?anxiety ?and depression.

The Blackmailer

Forward notes in the book that an important takeaway for the victim is that the behavior of an emotional blackmailer feels like it is about you but for the most part it is not. It often comes from deep insecurities inside of the blackmailer. Fear and anxiety can come out as rage and blame toward the victim. These tendencies often have to do with what has happened in the past rather than the reality of the current situation.

There is no exact prototype of emotional blackmailers, yet they can demonstrate the following characteristics:

• Narcissistic tendencies
• Self-centered
• Intense anger
• Deep panic, fear, depression, or rage
• Fear of abandonment
• Emotionally immature
• Not in touch with feelings
• Lack of accountability
• Hate to lose

Some of these traits may be close to the surface and observable, such as anger. However, much of the insecurities, emotional pain and fears lie deep within the psychological makeup of the blackmailer.

The scientific research on emotional blackmail, in particular, is limited. In one public health study, researchers explored personality correlates of emotional blackmail in relationships (Mazur et. al).

They utilized the five-factor personality model to assess risk factors for potential victims and individuals at risk for engaging in emotional blackmail. They discovered that neuroticism and agreeableness were risk factors for taking on the role of the victim. The factors protecting against the use of emotional blackmail in close relationships were agreeableness and conscientiousness.

Neuroticism is a key risk factor for taking on the perpetrator of emotional blackmail. Social adaptation and assertiveness can act as?protective factors ?against being a victim of emotional blackmail. Data was gathered to inform preventive programs developed to support people in building healthy relationships. There is room for additional research to be gathered and leveraged to help with prevention of emotional abuse and blackmail.

How to Best Handle Emotional Blackmail

If you or someone you know is experiencing emotional blackmail in a relationship, it is difficult to know where to start. In?her book ,?Invisible Chains: Overcoming Coercive Control in Your Intimate Relationship, Lisa Aronson Fontes provides a “Controlling Relationship Assessment.”

Taking an assessment may be a useful way to start reflecting and identifying the abusive behaviors that are occurring. Her book also provides ways to help:

• Recognize the controlling behaviors of all kinds.
• Understand why this destructive pattern occurs.
• Determine whether you are in danger and if your partner can change.
• Protect yourself and your kids.
• Find the support and resources you need.
• Take action to improve or end your relationship.
• Regain your freedom and independence.

In Forward’s book, there is a chapter called “It Takes Two.” She encourages the victims of emotional blackmail to take responsibility for their behavior and their previous compliance with the blackmail process.

The blackmail process does not work effectively without both parties actively participating. Forward offers this perspective not as a way for victims to beat themselves up or to place blame. Rather, she provides this point of view as an empowering approach for victims to recognize what they can change and can control. In the introduction, she states:

“Change is the scariest word in the English language. No one likes it, almost everyone is terrified of it, and most people, including me, will become exquisitely creative to avoid it. Our actions may be making us miserable, but the idea of doing anything differently is worse. Yet if there’s one thing I know with absolute certainty, both personally and professionally, it is this: Nothing will change in our lives until we change our own behavior.”

In order to best handle emotional blackmail, the victim must bring a new mindset and approach the situation in a different way. This will require gaining insight into what is going on in the blackmail dynamics and learning to detach from their intense emotions.

It can be useful for victims to explore what demands are making them feel uncomfortable. In doing so, they can recognize what boundaries need to be put in place. They must decide what is ok and not ok with them in a relationship. Understanding the abusive impact of emotional blackmail is also important.

Appreciating how emotional abuse wears victims down can validate their experience of feeling hopeless and lacking in confidence.

Change is scary, but doing something different is the only way to get a different result. Otherwise, victims are at risk of letting their fears run and potentially ruin their lives. Awareness, insight, and educating ourselves is important, but change only comes from taking a course of different actions over a prolonged period of time. Susan Forward asserts that we all have choices about how to engage in a relationship:

• We can accept things as they are.
• We can negotiate for a healthier relationship.
• Or, we can end the relationship.

No relationship is worth the cost of emotional and mental wellbeing.

Victims can learn to set boundaries and may become surprised what can happen when new limits are set. The messaging needs to become that the behavior is no longer acceptable. While victims do not feel courageous or confident after having been emotionally abused, they can take a?different action. Victims must take action to change the course, rather than waiting for the other person to change.

Victims can self assess throughout the process. When you do not back down and comply with demands attached with threats, how do you feel? Strong, empowered, confident, hopeful, proud, excited, courageous, assertive, effective, capable? Breaking any behavioral pattern is challenging. Develop a clear vision of what you hope to achieve. Any change will require work, effort, and discomfort, yet this is where growth occurs.

The only way to know if the limit and boundary setting will work is to try it. Forward suggests confronting the manipulator about the behaviors. What could that sound like?

• You are pushing our relationship to the edge.
• You are not taking me seriously when I tell you how unhappy I am.
• We need to find ways to deal with conflicts that do not leave me feeling emotionally abused, worn out, and depleted.
• I always comply – not willing to live like that anymore.
• I need to be treated with respect.
• Let’s talk about it, don’t threaten and punish me.
• I’m not going to tolerate those behaviors anymore.

In her book, Forward suggests?three exercises: a contract, a power statement, and a set of self-affirming phrases.