Handle With Care

Here's something out of the ordinary: When I'm traveling over 30,000 feet on a transatlantic flight, I'm as relaxed as one can be. Actually, so relaxed that I frequently fall into a very deep sleep (and thus I fear the crew will have to use a defibrillator on me just to get me off the plane). In other situations, however, this is not the case. At home, I double-check that the stove is turned off, at work, that my computer is locked when I stand up, when I drive, that the car has plenty of gas, when I walk down the street, that my wallet is securely stowed, and during vacations, that reservations have been confirmed and reconfirmed...you get the idea. Putting my fate in someone else's hands and knowing that I have no responsibility from the minute I take off till I land is completely liberating. The critical factor in achieving such a calmed state of mind is trust , this is, the belief that someone or something is safe, reliable, and dependable.

Trusting is a skill to be learned and a choice to be made, according to Cynthia Wall in The Courage to Trust . That sounds exactly right to me. No matter how much we hear from others about their commitment to delivering on their promises, we are the ones who ultimately decide to go forward despite the risks. And that requires a delicate balancing act. Wall notes that everyone has three core selves: the Child, the Protector, and the Adult. Whenever we feel relaxed and in balance, it is because the Child feels safe, the Protector is tucked away calmly surveying the situation, and our Adult self is in charge. When trust is endangered, we will see a disconnection between the three.

Trusting is important, but it is also dangerous, highlights Stanford University . It is important because it enables us to rely on people for affection, assistance, and support, especially when we are aware that no external force requires them to do so. But trust comes with the chance that the people we have confidence in will let us down. Because trusting someone is risky, the question of when it is warranted is crucial (and unfortunately a complete philosophical answer is complex).

Now, let's take a look at the other side of the coin: becoming worthy of other people’s trust. In his book The Trust Edge , David Horsager points out that trustworthiness is the product of thousands of small actions, words, ideas, and intentions. It does not occur by chance, nor does it happen all at once. It takes time, work, diligence, and character to earn someone's trust. It must continuously confront obstacles including conflicts of interest, fear, and individualism. Furthermore, while it may appear to be static, trust is more like a forest, he says - it takes a long time to establish, but it can be easily destroyed with a little carelessness. Clarity, compassion, character, competency, commitment, connection, contribution, and consistency are the eight pillars Horsager proposes for earning trust. In other words, people trust the obvious and distrust the ambiguous; have faith in those who care about others; notice those who do the right thing over the easy thing; trust those who stay relevant and capable; believe in those who persevere in the face of adversity; want to be around friends; respond quickly to results; and enjoy seeing the little things done consistently.

According to Frances Frei and Anne Morriss in the Harvard Business Review , people trust you more when they believe they are dealing with the real you (authenticity), when they trust your judgment and expertise (logic), and when they believe you care about them (empathy). When trust is broken, it is nearly always due to a failure in one of them. In order to create trust, we must first figure out which driver we "wobble" on, not only in our relationships with others but also in our relationships with ourselves. Are we being honest about our goals, or are we neglecting what truly motivates us? If we're keeping something from ourselves, we've got a problem with authenticity that has to be addressed. Do we have conviction in our own abilities and ideas? If that's not the case, we've got some logic problems to solve. Do we recognize and respond appropriately to our own needs? If not, we must adopt a more compassionate attitude toward ourselves.

We all want to be able to trust others and to be thought of being trustworthy. But what about self-trust? We frequently neglect it despite the fact that we are the only person we can trust at all times, no matter what. Again, self-trust isn't something we either have or don't have. It's a skill that has to be developed and strengthened. Maintaining our boundaries (avoiding people who undermine our self-trust), prioritizing self-care (putting our own needs first), keeping the promises we make to ourselves (living according to our own standards and ethics), speaking kindly to ourselves (reducing or eliminating the habit of listening to our inner critic), and being mindful of our emotions (having an awareness of our thoughts and feelings and being able to express them) are five ways to build self-trust, according to Positive Psychology .

You might have gotten the impression from the first paragraph in this article that my trust in aircraft manufacturers, pilots, and the laws of physics is bulletproof. There's a catch, though. This is only true when my family is safe and sound at home. When they're the ones hovering in the lower stratosphere and not me, trusting suddenly becomes a challenge. I know, I know. When viewed objectively, it should make no difference who is aboard the plane. But, as I'm sure you understand, there are times when we require more than trust to feel at ease. And it is at this point that faith may be a powerful ally. This is a difficult area to navigate because it is frequently tied with religion. But keep in mind that faith is an individualistic feeling that is hard to rationalize and therefore, does not have to be related to a specific ideology. We may have faith in things working out as planned, in destiny, in a promise, in a system, or simply faith in life itself.

Whether you call it trust or faith, having a firm belief in the character, strength, or power of someone or something, fosters psychological safety, cements relationships, and nourishes a sense of belonging. Most importantly, understanding that it all begins with trusting yourself is critical to growing confidence, enhancing feelings of optimism, and motivating you to take action. Regardless of the outcome of your efforts, be kind and respectful to yourself. Get rid of your regrets. And silence that nagging inner voice that makes you doubt your abilities. German poet Johann Wolfgang von Goethe said it best: “As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.”

Author: Esteban Polidura, CFA. January 15, 2022.