Hairy Tales !!

One of the things I’ve been genetically blessed with is a head full of hair that’s stood the test of time , refusing to thin or grey, even without any special care.

And this has led to a variety of experiences strewn across the past 4.5 decades, some evoking warm nostalgia, some making me smile wistfully & others having me recoil in horror.

Since my hair grew back very fast during my childhood, I needed a haircut every 2 weeks . On one such occasion when my dad was away on a biz trip, I confidently walked into our neighborhood salon & instructed Munna ( one of the boys who was barely out of his teens himself) to give me a ‘Bachchan-Cut’ ( where your hair covers your ears & gets rounded at the back of your neck). The next day, to my pleasant surprise, I was THE dude at school! Never before in my 8 years of life had I received such appreciation from fellow mates, & even from some of the school goons who came respectfully up to offer me compliments. Well, my stardom didn’t last long. Returning home that weekend, my livid dad took me ( literally) by the hair back to the same salon, even landing me a whack in front of the other amused patrons, & asked Munna to give me a ‘Katori-cut’ ( meaning, except for a small patch at the center, he trims you into a near bald creature), which ( the now terrified) Munna complied meekly, one eye fixed on my dad, wary that he may receive a whack too.

I passed the next few years of my life uneventfully, wearing a katori on my head, wishing that Mother Earth could swallow me each time a pretty girl passed me at school ?? !

Then, somewhere during my mid-teens, my dad grew up & stopped being so authoritarian. And I went wild ! ??

My teens & early 20s were years when I really let my hair down. If you’re someone who’s survived the 90s like me, you might remember that the two things that unite us today in shame were the awful music & the even more awful fashion. But well, while you’re in there, you think you are the coolest generation to have hit the world after Elvis left.

So ?this was when we sometimes grew long sideburns ( like Elvis, or Bachchan) & at other times , shaved them off ( Like Mithun or Govinda), where we grew shoulder-length hair & went about strutting through life in our baggy trousers as if we were God’s gift to the world of fashion. My go-to man during my college years was Madan, an alcoholic who had only one sober window between 8-9.30 AM, after which he would start sipping from his flask ( eventually passing out on the shop’s couch by 10.30, by when his wife would be at the shop, hurling the choicest of expletives at the blissfully unaware Madan!).?But Madan could do magic when he was at it – Brad or Leo, Sanjay Dutt or Saif, you name it! That’s why I stuck to him despite the challenges. Challenges as in, for example, when Madan started drinking while cutting my hair & had to give up midway because he staggered & passed out in the middle of the job. I would then need to go hide in my room with my half-done hair till the next morning when Madan would return & finish the haircut as if nothing had happened, and that it was entirely my fault that I did not let him finish the day before.

?An early marriage & parenthood somewhat domesticated me.?Here’s when I finally settled down on a standardized semi-crew cut & an occasional goatee to hide my then double chin. Yes, I did stumble into a few adventures along the way. For example, a day before I was to leave for the US to join a leadership program, I went for a haircut at my usual place at Vasant Vihar in Delhi where Lalit, the hairdresser, who was having an emotionally drained day, went slightly out-of-control, and before I could stop him, had chopped most of my hair. I had no alternative but to head sheepishly to NY looking like Singhania in Ghajjni. Thankfully I discovered in US that 50% of the males sported a bald look & I seamlessly earned social acceptance without any discrimination.

It was when I moved to SEA 11 years ago when I met some serious challenges.

?The first time I went for a haircut , by way of habit from my India years, I promptly fell asleep, leaving myself at the hands ( & mercy) of the hairdresser. When I woke up, I jumped violently at the sight of the man in the mirror who looked like a peacock with a mohawk cut. Turning to the hairdresser in distress, I was horrified to see his ?proud smile, like Leonardo Da Vinci might have let out after finishing the Mona Lisa. Thankfully it was late evening. I slipped back home where my wife had to flash a torchlight on my face for 3 full minutes to be convinced that this hideous man outside the door was her husband & not some serial killer on the loose.

?In the past ten years, after much trial & error, shame & forced hibernation, I have finally zeroed in on an option of least violation during my monthly ordeal.

?Depending on my luck, I land up in the hands of either of the two guys who look like identical twins of the 2nd & 3rd guys who ran after the train in the movie, Chennai Express. One of them is the creative one who goes slow & steady while destroying my hair & ends up making me look like I’m wearing a large mushroom on my head.

?The other one is moodier & the more violent among the two. He gets into the job like a banned boxer with doping charges & a background grudge story, and who attacks my head with a vengeance, not caring if he may some day blind me by poking a pair of scissors in my eye. Regardless of which part of my head he starts with, the end result is the same. I sneak out of the shop, look around to confirm if nobody who knows me personally, has seen me, and quickly rush home, waiting for my hair to grow back again.

?My daughter asks me why I don’t let anyone click pictures of myself these days. Looking at myself after the man is finished with me today ( the second one), I know why. I pay him for the torture and scamper back, looking like a giant broccoli on human legs.

?Phew !

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P.S. I missed mentioning the 'Italian Cut', meaning getting your hair cut while sitting on a pair of 'Eets' ( bricks) like we used to do when working at project sites. That's another story for another day :)

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(Ayon’s Blog – 31st May’23)

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