Haggis Heads to America: Innovation, Opportunity

(and the Curious Case of Eton Marsk.....)

Hands up who read the Grauniad today? Or The Sunday Grauniad? (or The Observer if you've never read Private Eye...)

Headline: 'Scotland's largest haggis maker creating new recipe to meet US rules'

It’s happening, Scotland. Haggis—the sheep-filled heart of our nation—is being reinvented to break into the US market. Macsween, Scotland’s largest haggis maker, has taken on the challenge of cracking America by creating a lung-free version of our beloved dish to comply with US regulations. Yes, the Americans are finally getting haggis—minus the lungs, of course, because sheep innards are apparently too much for a country that puts bacon in milkshakes.

But beneath the hilarity of lungless haggis lies a brilliant business lesson: it’s never too late to innovate. After 50 years of haggis being banned in the States, Macsween could’ve just thrown in the tea towel and said, “Fine, we’ll stick to feeding our own.” But no. They saw an obstacle, spotted an opportunity, and rolled out a brand-new recipe. That’s resilience—and if you ask me, it’s exactly the kind of energy that makes Scottish food the cultural force it is.

Now, we can’t talk about bold innovation without mentioning Eton Marsk (any resemblance to other individuals is purely coincidental, obviously). You’ve seen him take over the world of electric cars, social media, and rocket ships. But did you know there’s a chance Eton’s DNA might include traces of haggis? Think about it: he’s got the energy of a freshly boiled pudding, and his ambitious, slightly terrifying ideas seem suspiciously Scottish. I mean, if haggis can cross the Atlantic, surely a stomach-powered space rocket isn’t far behind?

(For the record, any mention of Eton Marsk is, of course, entirely satirical. This is all in good humour and absolutely falls under my inalienable right to free speech—and, I suppose, free speech about haggis in particular. I’d like to confirm for any litigation-happy billionaires out there that these comments are lighthearted jests made in the spirit of free expression and international cuisine appreciation....)

Now, where were we? Ah yes, America. Let’s address the elephant in the room—or should I say, the sheep in the stomach? The US banned traditional haggis over 50 years ago because of sheep lungs, which they consider “unfit for human consumption.” This, from the country that invented spray-on pancake batter and cheese in a can. But aye, lungs are the problem.

Still, you have to admire Macsween’s guts (pun fully intended). Reinventing haggis for America isn’t just about the product—it’s about selling a slice of Scotland. And they couldn’t have picked a better moment. The US is obsessed with food trends. All Macsween has to do is stick a few buzzwords like “small-batch” and “artisanal” on the packaging, and suddenly haggis is the hottest thing at Mar-a-lago.

Of course, we need to ask the obvious question: what’s next? If we’re willing to reinvent haggis for the Americans, what other British oddities are up for a glow-up? Will we see black pudding rebranded as “heritage protein bites”? Will pork pies become “free-range charcuterie domes”? Could Marmite be spun into “vegan umami paste” and sold for $20 a jar? I mean, if the Yanks are willing to buy spotted dick without giggling, anything’s possible.

Meanwhile, Vladimir Putin must be watching this with pure confusion. “Lungless haggis? This is why the West is weak,” he’s probably muttering over his bowl of raw cabbage soup. He’s either laughing at us or secretly ordering a shipment of the stuff to Moscow, because we all know haggis could work as a decent Cold War-era weapon.

But back to Macsween. They’re proving that no matter how old, traditional, or downright weird your product might be, it’s never too late to adapt and find a new market. If haggis can survive centuries of ridicule, a US ban, and now a lung-free reinvention, it can survive anything.

So here’s to Macsween for giving the humble haggis its shot at the American dream. And here’s to the Americans, who are about to discover that haggis is more about the experience than the taste.

Just don’t deep-fry it and stick it in a taco, OK? Actually, you probably already have.

And to Eton Marsk, if you’re reading this, congratulations on your Scottish roots. If you’re ever looking for a new energy source, might I suggest sheep lungs? They’ve powered us for centuries.

Slàinte mhath!