HOW TO EXPLAIN YOUR DIVORCE TO YOUR CHILDREN

“Divorce isn’t the child’s fault. Don’t say anything unkind about your ex to the child, because you’re really just hurting the child.” - Valerie Bertinelli

In seeking the dissolution of a marriage union, it is important for couples to be acting in a rational way, devoid of emotional beclouding of judgement. However, it can be very difficult to not experience different kinds of emotions when a relationship one has invested is crumbling or has crumbled.

The hurt varies from people to people depending on a number of factors, from infidelity, to abuse(physical, emotional, mental, psychological), marital fraud, false allegations and taking sides against the spouse without the benefit of the doubt. These reasons are as varied as the human situation can be.

But since children are in the picture, as parents you have a responsibility to have this difficult with them in the best way possible. The ages of the children will also play a role in this difficult conversation. However, not many couple are intentional about this process instead from my experience I have seen one parent weaponising the child(ren) against the other parent. NEVER GET THEM INVOLVE IN YOUR FIGHT, it certainly will explode in the face of the parent turning the child into a weapon against the other parent.

Here are some tips that can be helpful when you decide to initiate this conversation:

1. Both parties must put differences aside and create an open communication in other to initiate this conversation, it is important to have a friendly disposition because of the child(ren). You don't have to be friends however, it is important to demonstrate to them the importance of being agreeable even if you don't agree with each other on issues. Their healthy development as a human being should should override your disgust for each other.
2. Be intentional about the conversation by scheduling a time with an agenda on how the conversation would progress, however, be intentional about the direction of the conversation so that it doesn't turn into a bout of wits while the child(ren) is wondering what's going on. If you foresee that emotions might run wild, you might need to have a third party close by but not necessarily in the same room where you are having this conversation so they can always check to make sure you both stay on track.
3. It is however, important to keep the details of your issues to yourselves when having this conversation with them. Sometimes you might an inquisitive child, you must make it your duty to manage the flow of information. The mental and physical health of the children should be your concern.
4. When having this conversation, make sure to disabuse the mind of your children about taking responsibility for your split. Sometimes some children take on the burden of being responsible for their parents getting a divorce. You both must be on the same page here to assure them of your love as their parents and to also let them know that your growing apart as a couple as nothing to do with them and it would not in any way affect the love they will continue to receive from you both as their parents.

At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not your life. - Sandi Lynn

5. Be prepared for whatever reaction will come out from the news. Children are different, they will receive the news differently, some with no expression of emotion at all while others might have an outburst of emotion(cry, anger etc.), whatever the emotions it is important to validate those emotions because as human beings we receive these types of news differently.

Marriage does not guarantee you will be together forever, it’s only paper. It takes love, respect, trust, understanding, friendship, and faith in your relationship to make it last. - Unknown

It takes swimming against the tides of conflicting emotions, social pressures and in some cases reliance on a partner for financial & emotional support to activate the LEAVE BUTTON however, in case you would like to discuss, what options are available to you, to get the support you need for the journey, it starts with scheduling a complimentary call with me Coach Adenrele.

Funmi 'Jemirols' Jemisenian will be my guest as she shares with us her survival story from domestic abuse and discuss on some of the enablers of abuse in marriage. You don't want to miss this session, it will be totally FREE, however, registration is required to join and the replay will be available for a FEE, so make sure not to miss the live session.

As a coach & counselor, I speak to countless people every week and their biggest relief is to finally find someone they can speak to about their situation in an accepting, listening and non-judgmental way. We all need a community of people who have walked or are walking in our shoes to lean on for support, join the The Nucleus Community to find such support with your questions and concerns.

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