Guys: Do you have 5 REAL friends?

If you read or internalize one thing I have ever written, it is this: you are not alone. I love you unconditionally.

But that is not enough.

We, as men, are in crisis.

Young men 18-24 even more acutely. Suicide among young men is increasing faster than any other demo, as is OD deaths. 90% of school shooters are young white men. The average young man is apathetic and woefully behind academically. Introduce disadvantage by race and socioeconomic class, and everything gets even worse.

But it’s not just young men, of course. I talk to the titans of the industry every day who are lost. A few months ago the father of private equity, billionaire Tommy Lee, went to the office to shoot himself dead. Men of every age, race, and class are struggling. We are 4x more likely to commit suicide. We comprise 70% of OD deaths. We are in deep trouble.

All scientific research points to a single culprit above all others: isolation. As men, we are socialized, never to let down our guard or to get vulnerable. And it is killing us.

When the surgeon general talks about this issue, he relies heavily on the 85-year-longitudinal study at Harvard/MGH. In that study, they defined secure social attachment as the number of friends you could call in the middle of the night, no questions asked, if you had an emergency or were simply upset.

The data shows decreased social connection, particularly among men, starting in the 1950s with the advent of TV. The slope of that decline is gentle for decades until you reach the last 15 years when it drops off a cliff accelerated by technology and COVID, among many other factors.

It’s not like we guys were ever socialized to be touchy-feely, but at this point, we cannot ignore what is happening.

The number of men (even those who are married) who have NO ONE they can rely on has quadrupled. And all categories of social connection have evaporated.

The medical research is clear. The lack of social connection is the cause of the crisis in manhood. It may be correlated with a bunch of other societal factors. But it is the one clear point of attack for us as individuals and as a collective group.

Perhaps the most surprising finding is that male isolation doesn’t just lead to premature death and great suffering via addiction and mental health diseases. It is also the leading cause of cancer and every other major killer.

The science fact pattern is as follows. We were built to live and hunt in groups. To protect each other from danger. As cavemen or private equity titans, when we find ourselves alone, our bodies go on high alert. We are programmed to look for our people. If we don’t see them for an extended period, that high-alert state begins to have profoundly negative consequences for our health. Our bodies break down. We kill ourselves or die of disease.

Isolation also impacts women, as the surgeon general points out. I am not minimizing that in any way. But men die six years earlier than women. Our isolation is more profound, and our propensity to seek help is half as frequent. The strong silent typology is deadly.

So guys, take an inventory. How many real friends do you have? Do not make the mistake of imagining that transactional work friends count. The medical research indicates that to be healthy you need five REAL friends you could call in the middle of the night.

Here are some ways of testing if a friend meets the criterion.

1. Imagine you had testicular cancer that threatened your ability to have sex in the future. Who could you talk to about it with no shame?
2. If your child became suicidal, who could you talk to about it?
3. If a woman in your family was sexually abused, who could you get support from?
4. If you had a gambling problem, who could figure it out and force you to get help?
5. Who would you feel comfortable talking to if you were abused as a kid?

To be on your list of five, your friends must pass the above test. These are not guys looking to help you finance your next deal or discuss sports.

What if you have zero of these types of friends? What the hell do you do?

This part requires courage. No one size fits all answer here. You will have to find your way based on your personality and situation, but here are some general suggestions. Feel free to try out or ignore them.

1. Go through your contacts and find three men you admire, not because of their success but because of their character. Think of men you might have been close to but have lost touch with. Maybe high school or college or a job or a team. Email or call three guys and set up lunch if they are local or Zoom if they are not. When you get together, push the boundary of what you are willing to share about what is going on in your life. And LISTEN. No man-chest-beating bullshit. If they ask why you set up the meeting, say you want mentorship and support. Your vulnerability will immediately deepen the relationship. Schedule another meeting. This is like going to the gym for your social health. It’s not soft at all. It’s about getting stronger.
2. You can?find your local F3 chapter . This is the largest men’s organization in the country. Seventy-five thousand men often meet three times weekly for fitness, fellowship, and non-denominational faith. They celebrate positive masculinity. And honestly, everything is about fellowship. I met one of my closest life advisors, and I would say anything through F3. Our bond was almost immediate. They are loving and real men who agree with everything I have written above. It’s why the non-profit grassroots organization exists. To break male isolation.
3. Think of that one distant family member you always liked (or even in-law) but never REALLY talked to. Call him up. Tell him what’s going on. Plan a trip together. I am going on a three-day hiking trip with my favorite cousin-in-law in Sept. I love that guy. I can’t wait.
4. Join a church, temple, or other religious group. For many men, vulnerability is closely tied to some sort of spirituality. And whether meditating or praying together, they find men they can trust.
5. Do service. The one way to break your isolation is to get out of your house and help someone in need. It’s the most selfish act because YOU will feel so much joy doing it. And you may meet men there that you can build a relationship with.
6. Think about your passions outside of work. It could be chess, hiking, or scuba. Maybe it’s books. Get with other guys who share that passion. I happen to love swimming in stupidly cold water. A group of us (coed but primarily guys) started a gathering every Thursday morning at sunrise. We run 2 miles and swim in the Boston Harbor even in the winter when the water temp dips below 40. We all go to a local diner to hang out afterward. I love it so much.
7. Go on a group trip. I like being active, so I have gone on several backroads trips. But it could be to go to London to see a theater, play golf, or do some fishing. You can bring a friend along who you want to get to know better or have the courage to befriend whoever you find there.
8. Take a class. This could be continuing education at a local arts center, museum, or even a driving sports car. Think strategically about what kind of class would attract guys you would most likely want to hang with.
9. Next time you are at a social gathering, please don't talk about yourself. Ask the guys you are hanging out with questions. Be curious about their lives. Direct the conversation about the real stuff. Stay away from bravado and locker room banter. Set aside any discussion of money or “success.” That is all a trap. It’s poison to real friendship. If some guy wants to tell you how rich or successful he is, ignore him and ask about his kids, wife, or how he has been feeling lately. If you take your mask down, he will too.
10. If you have any addiction, go to a recovery meeting. My social network is 75% of men I have met through recovery. In her book “Dopamine Nation,” Anna Lemke makes the medical argument that we are all addicts of some form (she is an MD/Ph.D. prof and clinician at Stanford). Richard Rohr, in his book “Breathing Underwater” make the spiritual argument that we are all addicts, and in fact, the bible talks explicitly about recovery. There are recovery groups for pretty much everything these days. Just try it out. You can go to a Zoom meeting and hang in the back with your camera off and listen. Eventually, you will want to go in person to meet men who have the same issues as you do. If you have any questions about this (or anything above), email me at [email protected].

Remember, the kind of friendships we are talking about do not develop overnight. They take time. And effort. And courage on your part. But it is so worth it.

I apologize for the length of this post. This is the topic I am most passionate about because so many men are needlessly suffering and dying.

Let’s not let that happen anymore. If you are alone, ask for help. Figure out how to gradually build your team of five.

I love you.