Is this Guy for Real?

There is much to be said for the anonymity of the Internet when it comes to dating. But it also has to be said that, on occasion, you cannot trust a particularly promising dating profile or even the charming emails you receive.

How do you deal with someone who is bending the truth more than a little?

And how great is the real risk of being conned on the Internet?

You might have heard people saying things like: “If people are so great, why do they need to advertise themselves?”

 Or “People lie through their teeth on the Internet.” Not exactly reassuring - but read on for some guidance on avoiding disappointment or deception.

Is it all a con?

There’s no getting away from it. Some people do lie on the Internet. One survey suggested that, when using online chatrooms and dating services, 35% of women and 80% of men omitted to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth on at least one occasion. But it’s worth examining things a little more closely.

Where and why are people telling lies?

Chatrooms are often places for suggestive banter where the literal truth can sometimes be taken pretty lightly, but you are far less likely to get taken for a ride on a more serious forum.

There, any lies will probably be fairly inoffensive: maybe someone will shave a couple hip of years off his or her age, or add a couple of centimetres to his or her height - or a couple of thousand to his or her salary.

These little ‘cosmetic improvements’ don’t stop someone from being genuine in his or her desire to find a fulfilling relationship. People who completely invent their biographies are few and far between on trustworthy dating sites and their cover tends to get blown quite quickly.

Don’t let these concerns prevent you from trying dating on the Internet. After all, some people would be perfectly capable of coming out with lies to your face at a party or in a business meeting, and there you don’t have the protection of anonymity.

Spotting a fraud

How do you spot a total fraud? Well, Lisa (32) was very taken with Jay after meeting him on the Internet. “He seemed to offer everything I could have hoped for in a relationship.” On the other hand, even six weeks after they had met, she has never been to his home. Not that he hadn’t invited her: he suggested she come over every weekend, but each time the plan was foiled by a last-minute change in arrangements.

Lisa only became suspicious when Jay revealed to her that his dream was to spend several years traveling around the world - with her, of course. “I was wondering whether he had suddenly come into money, “says Lisa.

 When she asked him questions about his plans, Jay became evasive. “Just trust me,” he said … which is what Lisa did, until one day she rang him unexpectedly and got his mother on the line. Now, it so happened that Jay had recently cancelled Lisa’s planned visit to his home for a very important reason: his mother, so he told Lisa, had just died. Avril now realised it was time to break off with her ‘dream man’. There is no way of knowing exactly how much Jay had invented. Did he live with his mother - or perhaps with his wife? Quite frankly, Lisa didn’t care anymore.

The lesson from Lisa’s experience is that it is fine to start off by assuming someone is trustworthy, but you should keep an eye open for anything that doesn’t ring true in emails, over the phone or face to face. On the Internet, all you know is what the other person has told you - so make sure to keep your instincts and intuition tuned in to intercept any false notes.

Disclaimer: The information on this POST is not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional advice. The opinions expressed within this article are the personal opinions of the author. All content, including text, graphics, images and information, contained on or available through this article is for general information purposes / educational purposes only, and to ensue discussion or debate.     

Thank you … Forget the rose-tinted spectacles

If you’ve started some kind of relationship with someone and they don’t want you to visit them at home, then that suggests they have something to hide. The same applies if he or she will only give a mobile or office number - or regularly blows you out when you are meant to get together, or doesn’t introduce you to friends and relations.

Of course, there might be perfectly legitimate reasons for all this behaviour, though this shouldn’t stop you from asking a few questions - but not in an accusing manner, of course.

What sort of reactions do you get to your questions?

Are they ignored, deflected with vague statements like “That’s not important at the moment” or maybe dismissed in dramatic terms with outbursts like:

 “But love has to base on trust!”?

Want to add word or two?

There is no single recipe for love. There is no reason why the famous (or notorious) dating rules expounded by two ‘dating experts’ in the world should be applicable to you. Go at your own pace and don’t let anyone force you into anything.

It has to be said that rules and dogmas can provide a sense a security, especially when they are so ingrained that they become a conditioned reflex, but we must be ready to question and even defy them. With a more flexible and constructive approach we can take ourselves further down the route to finding a genuinely fulfilling relationship.

Your comment ….? 

If someone is very insistent on retaining their independence, it could be that he or she has a fear of not being worthy of love or of losing his or her identity in a relationship. An important stage in your personal development is the admission that you need love and a partner.

Yes, there are risks involved, but it is also part of realising your full potential as a human being. Remember that these days a serious relationship can take so many different forms - for instance, there is no obligation for you to live together full-time.

If you are looking for a long-term relationship, then it’s perfectly in order to make this clear right from the beginning, but wait a little before you start talking in earnest (and in detail) about making a home together, getting married and having children. You don’t want the other person to feel as though you are viewing them as a means to an end rather than as a worthwhile individual.

Everybody has their idiosyncrasies and their history, so be prepared to sound prospects out a little rather than dismissing them from the word go because they don’t quite match your specification.

Be prepared to make allowances - and be prepared to make informed decisions. Millions of genuine single people now use the Internet to find someone for a relationship.

It is a strange quirk of human nature that we can be more tempted by often illusory possibilities than by something that seems a safe bet. The result is that a person who is playing games with you can hold more allure than a person who has put their cards on the table.

Of course, just because someone has set their heart on you, it doesn’t mean that you have to take up their offer, but your aim should always be to find a partner who genuinely loves and values you.

Many people ask themselves the same questions before a date;

What should I wear?

How should I act?

Glasses or contact lenses?

Cleavage or buttoned?

 Granted, first impressions count.

 Nevertheless, it is not critical if the first impression is good, but more importantly to give your counterpart a realistic idea of who you are.

There is a saying that says “less is more”. But those who by nature are eccentric, colourful or diverse should probably not take it literally.

Life does not always play by our rules. Even if nights are lonely and the days are bleak because you are missing the right partner, a new love doesn’t make life stop.