Gut Punch? (Part 1)

This article is the first in a two-part series on how leaders can shift their mindset to better manage and learn from feedback. The first piece focuses on the emotional challenges of receiving feedback. Stay tuned for the second part, which will explore how to proactively use feedback for personal and professional growth!

During a recent coaching session, “Susan,” a client who is a high-performing senior leader in a large corporation, brought up a topic she was wrestling with. Her manager had recently given her feedback in what to Susan felt like a very condescending tone. She intuited there might be something valid to the content, but she struggled with feelings of guilt about feeling defensive and hurt, disqualifying the feedback instead of just extracting the learning, like she knew she “should.”

Feedback Isn’t a Verdict

Receiving feedback, particularly in high-stakes situations, can feel like an attack on your character or work. It is not uncommon (or abnormal) to have feelings of insecurity and frustration. These are completely normal and, in fact, essential to acknowledge. There’s nothing wrong with them.?

Each of us makes up rules that we “should” not feel in certain ways. This was one of the key insights Susan had as the session unfolded. We hold ourselves to imaginary norms and forget that those emotions are simply a part of the process.?

Susan realized that the real issue comes when the emotional response causes us to shut down and reject the feedback altogether, squandering a potentially valuable learning opportunity. She initially felt that her manager's critique was a personal attack.?

Self-Definition Through Reflection

Take stock of your value so you can self-define. Criticism or feedback are not universal indictments of who you are. See yourself with kindness; appreciate the many things you have, what you bring, and how you’re unique. But also recognize the reality that there might be new things you can learn, others you can do better, and others to stop or not do at all.

Senior leaders frequently struggle with defining themselves through internal reflection instead of through external appreciations (or feedback). Throughout the session, as we tried different lenses through which to view feedback, Susan realized that it doesn't define who she is, nor does it invalidate her worth or past successes. That realization was powerful. It gave her the ability to separate her self-worth from the feedback she received. This shift in perspective allowed her to take a more objective look at the actual message instead of getting caught up in the emotional reaction, despite her manager’s poor delivery.

What if you took feedback not as an absolute judgment but as an opportunity to reflect, learn, and improve? What would open up, what could you achieve? The ability to take feedback constructively and to use it to open up a conversation that leads to learning is something I actively looked for in people as an indication of potential.?

The Coaching Perspective

Self-awareness is critical. Ask yourself: How do you usually react to feedback? Are you quick to defend yourself or dismiss it? What happens if you isolate the message from the person delivering it? If you can, separate your emotional response from the content of the feedback. Try to understand what the feedback is really saying about your work, not about your character. This way, you might be able to move from defensiveness to being open to learning and growth opportunities.

Get curious! Ask yourself questions: What are you learning from the feedback? Where can you grow? When you approach feedback with curiosity, you open yourself up to real growth opportunities. You own how you react and what you choose to learn from the feedback you receive.

Interested in Coaching?

Let's connect! Schedule a complimentary coaching session today to see how it can help you manage with more ease and take control of your development.