Guilt...Normal but Not Necessary

I was at a luncheon a couple of weeks ago that wasn’t related to my work in the Alzheimer’s dementia field and the topic of conversation came around to “what do you do?” I explained that I am an Alzheimer’s Care Specialist and that got the attention of this one very nice gal we’ll call Sabrina. Sabrina was anxious to tell me that after a valiant effort to keep her demented mom home, she just couldn’t do it anymore and they placed her in a dedicated community...Good. Unfortunately, the guilt she was experiencing was palpable…Bad.

Feeling guilt in the caregiving process is perfectly normal. Is it appropriate? Not necessarily. Lets take a look as some of the causes of guilt that a caregiver may have.

Feeling those other “at home” care givers are doing a better job than you. They may not be facing the same challenges you are or they may not be telling you the truth. There’s no such thing as a perfect caregiver.

Feeling badly about the way you treated them before they were diagnosed. Maya Angelou said it best…”we did the best with what we knew and when we knew better, we did better.” You’re still allowed to have those Primal Scream moments, just not in front of them.

Feeling guilty because you want a time out. You’ve earned it, take it. Call on family, friends or a day care center for a chance to re-charge your batteries. Would they want you “going down with the ship?”

Feeling ashamed to ask for help. It’s always easier to accept help than it is to ask for it. Don’t be afraid to let friends and family know you need help occasionally. They can help with chores, yard work, run errands, pick up groceries or prescriptions or watch your loved one while you get a chance to get out and go to the hair salon or get a “mani-pedi.”

Feeling guilty about moving them into a dedicated community. If you’ve reached the point where you know you can’t keep up with their demands then you have no option. This is now the best choice for them and you. Not to do this is to deny them the quality of care they need and deserve. Blocking the doorway so they don’t wander at night? Are you up all night because they are? Are you up all night doing laundry because of accidents and maybe an episode of “finger painting?” Regardless if the choice is a dedicated community or a nursing home, the best choice is the one that meets your loved ones needs in the way you can’t.

Feeling guilty when they pass away. This disease is no respecter of persons in fact its a thief of a disease that is stealing your loved one from you slowly. Of course you’ll be sad when you lose them but if you’re a “quality of life” person you’ll find consolation that they are now at peace. No more episodes of anxiety, confusion, trying to figure what or how to eat, trying to figure out who these people are that she sees everyday; What they do and whether or not they’ll hurt them. Personally, I was with my mother when “she went through the trees” as a result of heart disease and although I could have done without holding her hand while she literally took her last breath. I was glad I could be with her when she finally found the peace she wanted and deserved.

So back to Sabrina. I shared with her much of what I have just shared with you and I’m confident that she is feeling better about placing her mom. The staff will be available to her 24/7. They are trained and understand and are prepared to meet the challenges she may present. Isn’t that a good thing?

Questions? Email me at [email protected]