Guilt, motherhood, and their impact on women's advancement

A Tribute to Working Moms

Since it’s May, the month of Mother’s Day, I have devoted this edition of Think Leadership. Think Female. to motherhood, guilt, and their impact on women’s career advancement.?Why? Because working mothers are fraught with guilt, and it needs to change.

My Mother’s Day didn’t go quite as I would have liked this year. I learned years ago from a psychologist friend of mine to stop expecting to be pampered and ask for what you want. Set clear expectations and prevent your disappointment, she counseled (except for the disappointment of wishing you’d be surprised with something fabulous without having to ask…but I’m working on that expectation too).

“No breakfast or brunch,” I said to my family. Waiting for a teenager to get out of bed while I fight hanger and low blood sugar with a mounting headache waiting for pastries and coffee is not my idea of a good start to the day. “I want you to cook me dinner?and?clean up. I want BBQ and blue cheese salad and a glass of nice red wine. And angel food cake for dessert with whipped cream and strawberries because they’re finally becoming flavorful again”.

“Okay,” they said.

I did it! Guilt and resentment be damned!

Then they both got Covid and were exhausted, and I ended up making most of the dinner myself, and we sat outside together distanced.

Guilt and resentment be damned.

Gender Norms Strike Again

Much of the guilt felt by women is due to entrenched?traditional gender norms. Both men and women feel guilt; however, numerous studies have found that women are prone to feelings of guilt across all age groups. If you are a working parent, when you’re at work, you feel guilty for not being home, and when you’re at home, you feel guilty for not doing work. It’s a relentless, inescapable cycle of guilt.?

Here I summarize two fascinating (and infuriating)?pieces that have me pondering working mom guilt and what we need to do about it. I thought you might get some insight from them too.

First, if you haven’t caught my latest article that Women of Influence featured, give it a read. I walk you through my tumultuous love-hate-love relationship with a?muffin tin . Once a symbol of nostalgia and comfort, the muffin tin had become a reminder of all the ways I was failing to live up to my slow-cooked homemade upbringing. And it had become a symbol of inequality. It conjured up images of the 1950s housewife in a shirtwaist dress and apron, donning triangle-shaped hair made immoveable by Spray Net. She made pot roasts in a Corningware casserole, Betty Crocker muffins, and martinis on demand for her husband when he got home. Luckily I learned to reframe my guilt, resentment, and expectations of motherhood. Read more about how to?understand?where your guilt stems from, realize your guiding values, and swap your guilt for gratitude.

NEW RESERACH: Stubborn Gender Norms?Keep Women Drowning in Housework Even When They are the Primary Breadwinner

While changing gender norms has helped many women enter the workforce, particularly uncompromising standards prevail around housework and caregiving. We didn’t need another study to bring this to light; the pandemic highlighted in spades what we already knew – women still look after the “home stuff.” Story after story reported that millions of women left the workforce during the pandemic to care for children and run the home. Making less money than their husband was often the reason.

But what happens when the woman is the primary breadwinner? Indeed, she would shed the guilt, and her partner would pick up the slack at home.?Not according to Joanna Syrda, a professor at the U.K.-based University of Bath School of Management.

Syrda?found ?that as the woman’s pay approached her husband’s, the housework gap rose. The more she earned, the more housework she did at home. And here’s the real kicker. Women took on?even more?housework as they began to out-earn their husbands. Guilt be damned! The old gender norms became even more entrenched as women rose higher at work. What do you make of this? Send me a note and let me know.

NEW BOOK: Gender Norms Create Office Housework Too

But it’s not just at home that women get saddled with grunt work; it’s at work too. It’s called office housework, and it’s a big problem.

In my book, Reframe Your Story: Real Talk for Women Who Want to Let Go, Do Less and Be more-Together , I referenced the work of academics Laurie Weingart and Lise Vesterlund when I talked about the impact of non-promotable work and how it prevents many women from gaining strategic projects. In their new book,?The No Club: Putting a Stop to Women’s Dead-End Work,?they share why women get saddled with this work, the impact, and how to say no.

They explain, for example, that women are 44% more likely to be asked by male managers to perform non-promotable tasks and 50% more likely to say yes. Women and men have internalized a “shared expectation” that women will be the ones to take on these jobs.

When I ask women why they say yes to grunt work at work, I am met with “I’m afraid to say no,” “I’m being a good team player,” or “I feel guilty saying no.”

Guilt and resentment be damned!

Working moms I see you, and you're doing a fantastic job! Go on and say no.?No to guilt.?No to taking notes, planning parties, or doing all the dishes. No, no, no.

Let's change those norms. Pop me a note and let me know how its going.