Guilt no more

Every parent who trudged back to work this week and left a bit of themselves behind, has probably spent a first work week of 2020 in internal conflict. The guilt of leaving behind the kids at home after a period of closeness during the holidays can stir some deep, uncomfortable thoughts, even making one question life and the very universe. It can make people look at co-workers and think – what am I doing here?

‘Why do you go to work, mommy?’ I was asked by my (then) 5-year old son, now almost 19 years old.

‘I need to earn money,’ I answered with a smile.

‘Why do you need to earn money?’

‘Because I need to buy you stuff like food, clothes, toys and pay for school.’

‘But if we buy less stuff, we need small money, right mommy?’

‘Yes, my love.’ It amused me to watch the unfolding saga, giving me an insight as to how his little brain worked.

‘Then I won’t ask for lots of clothes and toys so we don’t need big money mommy, then you can work less and stay home more.’

This is a moment engraved not just in the memory banks, but my very psyche. It is a moment that will probably resonate with all salaried members of the corporate rat race today. My son made me analyse, from that day, how much is “enough”?

How do we consciously decide to be satisfied and happy within a level of income? Especially when weighed against the positive impact that NOT hunting for a higher level would have on our personal life and kids.

How do we quantify that and put a number on it?

Years later, my husband asked me the exact same question ‘how much is enough?’ Life had been good yet we seemed to keep raising the bar in relation to our lifestyle. We were now wondering, whether this would ever stop, and whether we would need to make some related decisions. My husband often tells the story of one of his ex-bosses, one of the highest paid executives in his country, who one day sighed to him that he had more disposable income when he was a senior supervisor, than he did as an executive. He then explained that as his income took off, so did he adjust his spending, to the extent that most of his monthly pay was already spent before he actually received it!

Work has always been about money, earnings, income.

However, life is not all work and must also be about other stuff, too. 

Personally, I never really wanted a glittering career but craved work satisfaction – the feeling that I was making a difference, solving problems, being part of a bigger picture and getting due returns for my efforts. Against that backdrop, my Work is my Something. It is personal and it makes me feel good. Nothing wrong with that.

But my Everything are my sons, daughter and husband.

Not everyone’s Something is the same. Discover yours and then, learn to walk away and focus on your own Something. Your Something is totally yours. If working long hours is your thing then it’s yours. If working remote or freelance and making time for your Something (yoga, drawing, walking, volunteering, etc) then, no guilt, it makes you feel good.

Parenting while working is one of the biggest conflicts we experience.

Every bit of us wants to go back and get another hug, another kiss, another sniff.

But, equally, we need to be responsible and not lose ourselves too.

This opposing dynamic can cause guilt and make us self-focused. We are all stretched thin, working too many hours while caring for our kids, managing households, balancing the budget, and perhaps doing some after-work activity too. As much as you might skip sleep and juggle things around, there’s never enough hours so you still fall behind. If not today, then tomorrow. Despite all this time crunching, you no doubt feel guilty that you're not able to put in even more effort or time. You feel guilty when you're lazy, you feel guilty for relaxing, you feel guilty for not relaxing. It’s as if the whole system is set up to foster feelings of guilt as opposed to contentment.

Enough with the guilt.

Your love is abundant so don’t for a second think that loving yourself will diminish from the love for your child. You must continue to love yourself, pay attention to yourself and take care of yourself.

More than anything else, embrace your Something!

ABOUT Emma ...

Emma is the founder of One Circle www.onecirclehr.com. An online platform connecting companies with freelance HR experts, on-demand. She formed One Circle in response to her own experiences, as an HR Director, of the limitations and restrictions inherent in the current consulting and employment models, as well as in anticipation of future work trends towards greater individualisation of career management.

Emma realizes the potential impact that technology brings to the world of work, and coupled with her passion to democratize employment, One Circle is an obvious choice. Her objective is to improve and enhance quality of life through diverse work options, thus uplifting broader society by opening up global work opportunities, regardless of gender, age, location or social standing. She is particularly focused on retaining experienced workers in the economy post-retirement.