Guilt Is Healthy, Shame Is Not (11.4)
Fred Kofman
Executive Coach | President at Conscious Business Center International - CBC
“Negative emotions like loneliness, envy, and guilt have an important role to play in a happy life; they're big, flashing signs that something needs to change.”
Gretchen Rubin
You feel guilty when you believe you did something inconsistent with your values and, through that action, you hurt someone that matters to you.
Think of a time when you felt guilty. You probably judged that you transgressed some moral boundary and, because of such transgression, you damaged another person (or yourself).
Guilt calls for an apology, an effort to make amends and to recommit to the value you failed to demonstrate. Guilt also calls for repairing what you damaged and making the person you hurt whole.
Expressing guilt productively, you restore your integrity.
You feel ashamed when you believe you are something inconsistent with your values. When you feel you are wrong, no matter what you do.
Shame is not an emotion; it is a frozen assessment that there is something fundamentally wrong with you. Shame doesn’t call for any action, since no action can change what you are. Shame just hangs over you like a black cloud that never stops raining.
There’s no healthy expression of shame. The only healthy thing to do about shame is to recognize it for the harmful illusion that it is, and let it dissolve. Like the mirage of water on the road ahead of you dissolves when you approach it.
In the following video, I discuss how guilt is healthy while shame is not.
Should you have any trouble viewing the video please click here to view on Fred's slideshare page
Readers: Is there any guilt that you need to heal through corrective actions? Is there any shame you need to dissolve through self-awareness?
Fred Kofman is Vice President at Linkedin. This post is part 11.4 of Linkedin's Conscious Business Program. You can find the introduction and structure of this program here. Follow Fred Kofman on LinkedIn here. To stay connected and get updates please visit Conscious Business Academy and join our Conscious Business Friends group.
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6 年there is no shame or guilt that needs healing.
Managing Partner, Executive Coach/Facilitator - Programs with ??, ?? and ??(in Kenya!)
6 年I'm fairly good at dealing with guilt - admitting if I have done something I feel is wrong, apologizing, etc. There are some things I look at from deep in my past where I can't apologize live (people no longer in my life/passed away), but I still apologize in spirit as best I can. Another way that helps me deal with these specific situations is to really honor the memory by making sure going forward I learn from the experience, and do better.?
Driven and energetic learning professional. Focus on organizational needs, big picture, collaboration, and involvement.
6 年Much like one of your coachees, I struggle with a hyper-active response mechanism.? However, I'm working on it.? I'm also reading Brene Brown's books on vulnerability and shame - her work supports yours wonderfully.? Knowing when the guilt and shame tape shifts to a tape is helpful - and knowing when it's something I need to listen to vs. something I don't is also helpful.? I'm working on how to turn it off when it's no longer needed, but I'm not there yet.
Psicóloga e Consultora Especialista em Desenvolvimento de Soft Skills e Lideran?a
6 年This video let somethings more clear to me. I always say to my clients that guilt it's a preventive sign that we need to see things through, and set corrective actions. I need to be more present to focus on the solutions.