The Guilt of Doing Enough

As it's #movember and I already own a moustache I thought I would write about my own #mentalhealth and the guilty feeling of doing enough at work.

While this is a month to talk about men's mental health I'm guessing this is something most of us can relate to. The guilt of not going above and beyond at work and just doing enough, also known as 'just doing your job'!

Now we are often told to get anywhere in life we need to go the extra mile. Get in early and leave late to show your commitment. Take on ALL the challenges in your way. Be the best you, you can be!

Well, I tried that and you know what it got me? Exhaustion, stress, half an eyebrow (see trichotillomania) and the exact same job(s)!

So, how did I get to that point? Well, let me tell you my story.

Disclaimer - this is not a post about bashing my former employers, far from it, I had some great times with them and learned a lot.

It is, however, a warning to all employers, managers etc... to ensure they don't become accustomed to people always pushing themselves to their limits and being happy with people doing "just enough".

So, back to my story, albeit a brief version of it.

I like to think I'm hard worker and bring value to any place I work.

I was always one of the earliest in and one of the last to leave every day. I took short lunches (or no lunch at all) and worked on multiple projects at once. I was reliable and worked my butt off. An employee anyone could be proud of.

Now, the problem with that is the body and mind has a maximum capacity at which it can sustain this before it it begins to pervade the rest of your life.

Now, I'm not saying there aren't occasions when you don't have to go all out on a project or piece of work. Of course, you can do the occasional sprint or even marathon to get things done, but I got myself on to a hamster wheel that was constantly spinning.

They look fun if you on them for short while, however stay on to long and it becomes your new reality. The world constantly spinning forward, never stopping, and seemingly no way off.

For me, this led to me working in to evenings, constantly having my phone ping with emails and answering straight away. Going on holiday, waking up at 5am, and working for a few hours because there was "no way they couldn't do it without me".

Yes, the self-aggrandisement was strong with me!

But wait, work wasn't enough, I also had to take on other challenges to push myself, get myself to the next stage. I joined working groups, started a professional doctorate, mentored, and became a trustee. (Now I haven't dropped all of these, but I will explain that later on).

I did so much more because I felt that just "doing enough" wasn't enough. And a strange sense of guilt would come over me that would push me to work harder, work more, work non-stop!

Now, you may ask "Jonathan, how did you do all that and still remain sane?"

The answer is, I didn't.

I was burning myself out.

How did this manifest itself?

Well I was grumpy, always tired, not giving my whole self to relationships, and the routine destruction of my eyebrows (see previous link to trichotillomania).

Now the last I still do, less so now, but it was a physical manifestation of stress I didn't really recognise (and still deny a lot of the time now). It's amazing the things you can ignore about yourself!

So, it all had to stop, I just didn't know how.

Now fortunately I have an amazing partner who supports me through everything.

They always push me to reflect on myself, no matter how uncomfortable I get and let me tell you I really don't like talking about myself. I will happily switch the conversation to the person asking just to deflect which is why I'm probably writing this. Push myself into the uncomfortable zone to accept the challenges I have had (and I really don't like it, but here we are anyway) and begin to move forward.

So dear reader, you may wonder is there a happy ending (continuation?) to this story and if so, how did I get there?

Well, yes, there is but not after getting through some sadness.

Unfortunately, often in life, to have an epiphany or come to a conclusion, you need some big thing to happen. Shouldn't have to be this way, but it often is.

And for me, what started the ball rolling on this epiphany? The passing of my dad.

So, this year my dad passed away. Not many know this as I am a terrible sharer. It's never great losing someone, it has an immense impact. One that I am still coming to understand and maybe writing this is part of that catharsis and understanding.

Now losing someone helps you reflect on what you value, and working all those hours and pushing myself as hard as I could was not even in the top 100. Now my employer at the time were great in their support, couldn't have asked for more, but the ball was starting to drop. It was them or me.

Now that may sound quite binary, but this is were the moral of my story will come in. Not just for me, but employers as well.

In my endeavour to work my butt off I had set my standard, my base level of working. When you push yourself to the max, you have nowhere to go and people become used to it. This is not only my norm but now theirs as well. It was no longer an expectation that I would push myself, what I was doing was "normal", nothing out of the ordinary.

So with the passing of my dad I began to reflect more but it wasn't an instant decision to make the change. My life had just gone through something major and changing more things in my life just didn't feel viable or achievable.

Fast forward a few months to the summer and it was time to take a holiday. Something else I was not great at, hence why I ended up carrying over 12 days of leave (following carrying over 15 days the previous year!).

This was a first proper holiday in a few years, for obvious reasons, but what was different was I decided to mute all notifications from emails etc... Cut myself off from work, because you know, I'm on holiday and that's what people do, apparently.

This led to something strange happening. My brain now began getting some space to think, refocus on my values and look ahead. It was a strange feeling, something I hadn't been used to for a few years but allowed me to take a leap of faith.

And so, I quit my job!

Sitting in my hotel, looking out to the sea, I wrote the email to my manager and just said "I'm done", that I needed to jump off the hamster wheel and look after me. And you know what, it ended up being one of the easiest emails I've ever sent. After clicking the button I felt no regret and no fear for what was next. I just felt a calmness, a relief. It was glorious.

In this I know I was in a privileged position to just drop what I was doing and go in to the unknown because of the amazing support of my partner. Without them I would never have gotten to this position, so I have to thank them.

You may not have that luxury, so it may just be the case of slowing down that hamster wheel (possibly with the help of others) and trying to step off. It's still a valid way to look after yourself so don't feel you have to be as drastic as me.

So, now to that aforementioned moral of the story.

Now, it could just be, don't work yourself so hard, give yourself a break, but as mentioned it becomes the norm and you don't realise that you are pushing yourself too hard. Patting yourself on the back for a hard days work can be ever so comforting on that wheel that you never get off no matter how much you should.

It is, however, a call to employers.

The moral of the story is the moral duty you have to those in your charge.

Watch out for your hard working employees. The ones who go that extra mile, who are always on hand to help, that person you can depend on to do what's needed to be done. yes it's great to have them working for you, but Let them do "just enough". Let them work a bit slower, slack a bit, take a longer lunch, not expect answers to emails in minutes.

But, you may ask "Jonathan, how would we do this?"

There could be a number of ways:

• If someone is working above and beyond all the time then maybe, quite simply, you need to hire more people.
• Put in boundaries for people. Get them to take lunches. To leave on time. Take their leave.
• Talk open and honestly with people about their mental health and don't just stop when they say "fine". Work on open-ended questions to find out what is happening with them. This may mean you need training in this, if you do then ask for that training.

That is by no means an exhaustive list, but hopefully gets you thinking of your own ways to support your employees.

Doing enough should be the bare maximum (with the odd exception, as long as it is an exception) and not the bare minimum.

As employees we are here to work but as humans we are here to live our lives. The former should not supersede the latter.

Finally, to summarise (or TL;DR), employers be happy when those who are working for you are doing enough. That's all you should ask for and all you should expect. If you need more work doing then maybe you need more people to do the work.

Well, here ends that chapter of my life for the past few years, but maybe you're wondering what happened next. Is there a happy ending to this story? (or maybe not, but I wanted a reason to post this next photo).

Not quite a happy ending, more a happy continuation on to the next chapter.

So, after quitting my job a day or two later my partner and I went to a dog rescue charity whilst on holiday in Cyprus. We met some great dogs and ended up adopting this beauty.

Gratuitous dog photo out of the way, I then took some time to weigh up my options (including 2 weeks of not doing a whole lot), reached out to some recruiters and moved in to a short term role where I now start on time, take lunch, and finish on time.

I am now "doing enough".

Now, there is still a sense of guilt for doing just that but hey, there are always things to work on.

Alongside this I am still doing my professional doctorate (albeit on a break in studies) at the 英国巴斯大学 ( University of Bath School of Management ), on my working groups (such as TASO ) , being a trustee ( Association of Higher Education Professionals ) etc... but they are things I value and things I am passionate about. With the greater head space I now have they don't feel as daunting or overwhelming to undertake.

I am in a much better place now, but it is a work in progress (thankfully dogs are great listeners) and part of that progress was to write this for which I hope it has been helpful to read as much as it was helpful for me to put down in to words.

And to end, on the (almost) immortal slogan of Nike, if I have one piece of advice "Just do (enough of) it!".

JD

P.S. If you don't have a dog to listen to you or would prefer to speak to a man with a beard I am always here to listen to others. I am not a professional but I have a good set of ears if you just need a space to chat. Or, if you see a friend or colleague in a similar position then reach out to them, drag them out for lunch and just have a chat.