A Guide to a Young, Military Marriage

By: Joseph DiPietro

A successful Marine requires a stable family.

I am a firm believer that a Marine will only achieve the potential that his or her family allows. That does not mean leaders should restrict or limit training to accommodate every family desire, but the idea that family health and combat readiness are exclusive is a lie. Over the years I have seen lots of positive and negative impacts of families on Marines, so I wanted to collect those observations and group tips, tricks, and lessons learned by service member, spouse, and leader to help increase family readiness in the service.

To be clear- I am not a marriage counselor, a psychologist, a therapist, or anything that you would consider an “expert” in relationships. However, my style of leadership is intrusive on families, in a good way, so I’ve seen first-hand examples of great and awful marriage habits, along with everything in between. Probably the statistic of my Marine Corps career that I am most proud of: zero Marines that I was in command of have gotten divorced during that time. Certainly a few have gotten divorced after our time together, but even then the number is significantly below the military average, especially in Marines between 18-24 years old. Also keep in mind I was married as a 22-year old Second Lieutenant immediately upon commissioning, so I’m not just some guy who’s seen a lot but I’ve lived, prospered, and sometimes struggled through being a young, married Marine. The lessons that follow are applicable to any relationship, but they will be focused on military relationships using military language.

SECTION 1: THE SERVICE MEMBER

How many times have you heard some “Old Corps” Marine say “if the Marines wanted me to have a wife, they’d issue one to me!”. Ha-ha got it, you’re tough. But there is some truth to that, because it is not easy to have a spouse in the service. The good news is young people are able to marry early on in their military career and support a successful marriage. It takes a lot of work, communication, and sacrifice, but Marines who put in the effort and maintain healthy relationships at home not only perform at a high level, they often encourage their peers to embrace the family mentality which benefits the entire unit.

LESSON 1.1: DUE PROCESS OF MARRIAGE

Take your time, and make sure this is it. There is no guaranteed way to ensure a marriage will be healthy and long lasting, but there are certainly ways to prepare for it.

My first piece of advice is to be honest and upfront with yourself and your significant other. Make sure he or she understands the time commitments of service members, such as field exercises, long daily hours, duty, and of course deployments and other long term absences. I’ve had a young wife complain to mine when we left for a month-long exercise that she didn’t know it would be like this, and that’s on the service member. Like anything, you’ll never know what something is like until you do it, but at least offer your spouse-to-be an explanation of all the things that might take you away from home.

In addition to time away, be sure to explain how orders and duty stations work. You might get to express a preference, but rarely does a service member have complete control over the next set of orders. Moving is stressful. Moving every three years is more stressful. Not having control over where you move is the most stressful. But it’s all part of the military life, so make sure you explain that prior to marriage. Not only should you explain the orders process, but be sure to discuss likely duty stations. Before my service abandoned tanks, our only fleet duty stations were 29 Palms and Camp LeJeune. I made sure to sit down and talk to my wife about 29 Palms and even after she understood, she still had a hard time embracing it when we arrived. Like most people, she found beauty in the desert and enjoyed it there, but I can’t imagine how hard it would have been if I didn’t fully explain it. Many young spouses have a hard time away from home, but if they don’t understand the possibilities of duty stations they could have a really hard time adjusting to the location and lifestyle.

Another piece of advice is to try out the military life before getting married. Sometimes you just can’t wait, and I get it, but if you have a chance to hold off on a wedding to test out the married life then take the chance. I recommend taking your engagement period to replicate marriage as much as possible, so that your marriage is prepared to combat the hardships the military puts on a union. This will give you and your partner a chance to analyze time away from home, living options, work availability, vehicle considerations, and everything else associated with marriage before you jump right into the real thing. I always recommend to my Marines to wait for marriage until the first enlistment is complete to ensure they fully understand the commitment necessary to serve.

Finally, I highly recommend taking part in a counseling session or series before marriage. Many unit chaplains will offer this service, and many unit leaders will require this to be completed prior to getting married. At a minimum, you should seek a third party evaluation of your relationship, someone who has no bias of you or your partner, to really examine and analyze your relationship. This will not only provide early warning of any red flags, but also could serve to provide guidance and mentor-ship of any areas that you may struggle in. Reflection is a key step of any sort of process, but it is just as important to reflect on all aspects of a relationship before committing to a lifelong vow.

LESSON 1.2: ASK FOR HELP

I often find my young married Marines have an overly prideful sense of responsibility when it comes to marriage. There’s nothing wrong with that on the surface, I certainly hope all my Marines are proud of their relationship, but what comes with pride is an unwillingness to ask for guidance or advice. Service members today have so many resources for support.

I hope that everyone feels their chain of command is there to help, so if that is the case use it. I’m extremely proud of the family environment I fostered in my units, and I have had conversations about things I would have never thought of when I joined the military. Finances, car purchases, fertility treatments, job recommendations for spouses, and in-law issues are only some examples of topics my Marines would bring to my attention. I did my best to research and provide the best advice- but often times the best advice I could give was to find another resource on base for the Marine. A key aspect of this is, if I don’t know there’s a problem, I can’t help solve it. I never make any promises as a leader other than I’ll do everything in my power to help my Marines, and I know most unit leaders have the same mentality, so utilize your chain of command to assist and they’ll likely find ways to help.

I recognize a caring and genuine chain of command is not always the case, so use your peers regardless of how embarrassing a situation might seem. If you want to keep it more confidential, reach out to a unit chaplain or one of the variety of base family services. There seems to be an infinite amount of resources at every base to help counsel and guide young Marines, so use those resources to your advantage. If your unit leader refused to allow you that time without a proper reason, be sure to use small unit leadership to support you in your quest for assistance. Regardless of how it goes down, the worst option is to let frustration build up, so be sure to address your problems before they grow out of control.

LESSON 1.3: KEEP HONEST DIALOGUE BETWEEN SPOUSE AND UNIT

One of the most damaging habits I have seen is when service members lie to their spouses about what’s going on at work, and when service members lie to work about what’s going on at home. Both avenues of dialogue must remain consistent and truthful to support a successful relationship.

I see Marines of all ages tell their spouses all kinds of garbage. It’s one thing to try to lessen the severity of a situation, but when you start lying to make your unit or leadership look bad to your spouse it makes the spouse distrust the unit and overall the service. For example, a Marine gets assigned extra duty as a punishment for missing a formation, but instead of admitting the mistake at home the Marine tells the spouse something other than the truth. That does no good to your spouse, and only weakens the relationship with everyone involved. I don’t tell my wife much about work, because she has her own concerns as a teacher, but when I do it has to be the truth, because otherwise she won’t have a full picture of the situation.

Conversely, I’ve had plenty of Marines express to me that everything is fine and dandy at home, only to learn that they are short on finances and the spouse is having a hard time. As mentioned earlier, if I don’t know there’s a problem I can’t help come up with a solution. If your leadership is asking about your home life, it either means they are trying to get to know you and help you out, or they already know of a problem, so it does no good to lie about it.

Finally, take advantage of chances for your spouse to discuss items or topics of concern directly with your leadership. Something I appreciated from all my battalion commanders is the option for my wife to attend “spouse socials” where only the spouse was invited (without the service member) and they were free to engage battalion leadership with their concerns. This is a great opportunity to clarify any confusing information or announcements but also to hear directly from the head honchos. There are other benefits here, such as meeting other spouses, but these events are great opportunities and should be used.

LESSON 1.4: FIND FRIENDS OUTSIDE OF YOUR UNIT

There are a lot of lifelong friends I have met in my units. Some of them I will stay close with for my entire life. However, like most groups, if you put a bunch of folks together they will talk about their similar roles and experiences. Without failure, any get together with my unit turned into staff meetings. I fought it hard, either bringing up sports or current events or something, but I guess it is human nature to revert back to the common ground. It’s not that I don’t love talking about and bragging about my Marines, but at some point it’s important to recognize other things in the world, and it goes a long way with your spouse.

The way to combat this is to meet folks outside your unit, and even outside the service. In 29 Palms, my wife taught out in town and there were even a few other Marine spouses at the school. These were great friendships because not only did we have some friends with very little connection to the military at all who didn’t bring up fitness reports or NJPs, but the other Marines in the group were from completely different MOSs and battalions, so we rarely discussed work. This was a special group and like friends in the unit these are people we stay in touch with and will have a friendship forever. The ability to separate from unit problems or drama, or even family drama in the neighborhood, goes a long way for mental health and I highly recommend finding those groups.

LESSON 1.5: MAKE AN ADVENTURE OUT OF EVERY CHANCE

The military life is an adventure by itself, but within that journey are many chances to explore the country and often the world.

In my short career, we have moved across the country multiple times and will do so again in the future. Each time we go somewhere, we try to see new landmarks or historic locations on our way. For example, going from Quantico to 29 Palms, you are able to go a southern, central or northern route that each takes you to different cities and experiences. You can choose to see the Pro Football Hall of Fame in Canton, Mount Rushmore, and Yellowstone on the northern route. You can see Graceland in Memphis, Oklahoma City, and Las Vegas in the central route. And you can visit SEC football stadiums in Athens, Knoxville, Tuscaloosa, Baton Rouge, Oxford, and College Station along the southern route. These are just some of your options too, so really you can make a journey in whatever way your family desires.

Moving isn’t the only time to experience adventure. Many, really most, Marine Corps locations are nearby some pretty outstanding experiences and landmarks. Living in Southern California, either in 29 or Pendleton, you are close to nearly unlimited excitement to include Disneyland, SeaWorld, Big Bear, Las Vegas, and of course the beaches. On long weekends and holidays you can drive up the coast, visit San Francisco, check out the Grand Canyon, and so many other fun experiences. In the Southeast locations such as Parris Island, Beaufort or Camp LeJeune, you’ll find awesome secluded beaches in Hilton Head and the Outer Banks, fun boardwalk excitement in Myrtle Beach, and you are a long weekend or holiday away from the nation’s capital to the north or Atlanta and Orlando to the south. Of course if you live in Hawaii or somewhere overseas there are always chances to explore.

Be sure to check out the local ITT or MWR office on base when you get to a new unit. You will often find discounted tickets or unique experiences from those resources. Bottom line here is that any time you get orders to a new base, you really have a chance for your family to make new memories and taking advantage of those chances will work wonders for a young relationship.

SECTION 2: THE SPOUSE

For this section I have gotten most of my advice from my wife, because she is the one with experience being a military spouse. I’ll be honest, I’m not one of those who says the family is just as important as the Marine, often said as “family first” in common command philosophies. The mission of the Marine Corps, and in some fashion all services, is to win wars in support of the Constitution. We don’t need spouses to do that. However, and this is a big however, I do believe that behind combat readiness, family support is priority 1A and as mentioned earlier a healthy family support system increases combat readiness, so there is a close relation there. All that said, the role of a military spouse carries great responsibility to ensure the service member is able to effectively train and be ready to fight at any moment. Whether it is taking care of children, adding income to the family, or anything that supports the nuclear unit, a military spouse can make a significant and positive impact on a service member.

LESSON 2.1: YOUR RANK IS “SPOUSE”

Of the things in this article that will make people mad, this is at the top of the list. Here’s the truth- whether you are married to the Commandant or to an entry level Marine, your rank is “spouse” unless you served yourself. This means you are not entitled to same customs and courtesies as your service member spouse is, so don’t yell at the gate guard for not saluting you when you drive on base. Admittedly, there is a level of respect and common decency that comes with the territory of senior spouses. While I don’t owe it, I will stall call my superiors’ spouses ma’am or sir, but often times they stop me and ask to be called their name, which I believe is the correct attitude. Please remember your role and your spouse’s role are different- I have seen spouses try to order young Marines to do things, and that is not right. There is no place on the chain of command for “spouse”.

You may find an informal spouse chain of command structure, and as long as there’s no order giving that is ok and can be useful. Spouses with experience should and will help those younger spouses in so many ways. For example, as a company commander, my wife took on a spouse leadership role and organized fun events for the families of my Marines. She did not assign tasks or give a direct mission to anyone, but as the CO’s wife she was naturally looked to for support and guidance just like the CO is. The same applies for a First Sergeant or Master Sergeant spouse, especially since they potentially have lived the military spouse life for many more years. This applies to the platoon level and of course above the company level too, but I found the company is the perfect size for family events to be intimate and meaningful.

Finally, while the military can not necessarily tell you what you can’t do, it is a good practice to abide by the same rules and limitations as your spouse, and even the same counseling advice. Service members are restricted from going to certain places around a base (known as off-limit establishments) and they are off-limit for a reason, so it’s likely a spouse should not go there either. Service members may be subject to certain rest-to-driving rations while traveling, and those are good general guidelines to follow. And of course the question we always see as leaders is whether a spouse can do drugs if it is legal in that location. While I’m a firm believer that unless it is for medicinal purposes, if drugs are needed to get by in life then you have a lifestyle problem, family members are not subject to the UCMJ like service members are. Keep in mind, on base residents will likely have rules against certain activities and if you reside on base you must follow those rules. This also applies to adultery; while service members are subject to punishment for adultery a spouse is not; however it is still wrong and I would hope no one who reads this is involved in that or desiring to do so.

There are a lot of informal roles and traditions in the military spouse arena, but as far as laws and formality go, a spouse is a spouse. I’ll tell you what inspired me to right this in the first place- a young wife complained on Facebook that her husband’s company commander told him that she needed to get a job, and she asked if he could do that. The game of telephone is clearly in play here, and what likely happened is the leader was actually doing his job and sat down with this young soldier and after looking at his finances he likely recommended to his troop that his wife get a job to support the family. But the amount of spousal peers that commented on there cursing this officer for mentoring his soldier was appalling, and it’s important to understand what the formal and informal roles and responsibilities are in the military spouse lifestyle.

LESSON 2.2: FIND A HOBBY OR A JOB

As a young military spouse, I recognize your world is turned upside down every two to three years during a move. Not only do you have to physically move and then get settled in a new home, you have to learn about an entirely new region and town and it’s not an easy task. I also recognize that being a military parent adds an extraordinary challenge to a family, and as a family who has just recently entered that club I know it is tough to manage. That being said, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen military spouses get to a new location and become hermits. They often refuse to go anywhere (this was especially common in 29 Palms) and so they are essentially imprisoning themselves, or they make excuses not to get out and work or at least meet some new people in the neighborhood. My wife is a teacher, and moving to California made it very difficult for her to qualify for a position despite being a qualified teacher, but she fought through that adversity and I will tell you, her attitude and outlook in 29 Palms changed dramatically once she finally received her credentials. Not only was she able to meet new people and make new friends, but we also had a second income that allowed us to travel more and visit really awesome places.

Finding a job is undoubtedly more difficult once you have children. Even for us, we are trying to figure out at what point is it worth it for my wife to work again while paying for child care. Many spouses can work from home and I’ve even seen lots of spouses start a business so they can work on their own schedule while raising kids. Parenthood in the military is a challenge and there are many factors and variables involved, but there are also a lot of options and possibilities available. Most bases have quality child development centers and schools that can help lighten the load on a working parent. There are lots of options and resources so be sure to check those out before surrendering to a life you might not want.

To be clear, I am not saying a military spouse must work, but I encourage it when possible especially in young marriages that could use the extra income. That said, the point of the job in my mind is more about exploring and branching outside of the home, which folks can do as part of a hobby as well. The hobby can be crafting which might eventually turn into a small business later on, it can be hiking which will bring you fun memories and views while also exercising, or it can be any task to goal that gives you enjoyment and often goals to work towards. One thing that my wife and I have done regularly since dating is going for walks. We walk around the neighborhood or parks just about every night, and while that is great for me physically since I’m not the best runner and it gets my legs working, the best benefits are mental. We have a rule that our walk is the time to complain about work and air any frustration about the day out, but when we come home we focus on each other and now our child (and of course whatever sports are on). This has been great for our mental health and it also has brought us closer together as we help each other through our problems. Find something to keep busy, and if possible include your spouse when you can, and it will help ease the challenges of transitions and general military spouse life.

LESSON 2.3: USE YOUR RESOURCES

The details in this lesson resemble many of the same details in Lesson 1.2, so to avoid covering the exact same topics go check that lesson out even if you are a spouse and not a service member.

I’ve already expressed the power of the unit and fellow spouses in a unit so be sure to seek advice and help from those around you. In addition to those informal resources, formal options exist around many bases. There are counselors, both individual and family counselors available to service members and their spouses. The Chaplain Corps will always be willing to talk to spouses even if the service member is not present or even aware.

Social media, while it can be a dangerous resource, can often be extremely helpful. On many group pages spouses will offer to help families out during the birth of a child, transitioning to a new home, or any kind of challenging situation. My wife was very welcomed into a group of older spouses when we first got to Quantico and they have been so helpful and continue to be helpful today. Those resources can also aid in ways you might not think of, such as finding schools or doctors in a new area, or even asking about activities to do for the family. When handled properly, social media resources can be a tremendous asset to spouses across the military.

SECTION 3: THE UNIT LEADER

For consideration as a leader, “family” may not always come in the typical form of mom, dad, and siblings. Many Marines grew up with only one or even zero parents, many Marines consider close friends as their family, and some Marines’ first experience with family will be in the service. It’s important to acknowledge what family is to each Marine as part of counseling or conversation.

In the final section, I will connect the lessons mostly to taking care of young families, however, the lessons will often apply to single Marines too. I am by no means a perfect Marine or officer, but I can confidently say my style of leadership and ability to include the families of my Marines has been successful and has led to cohesive military units, strong family units, and an overall sense of accomplishment as a leader for myself.

LESSON 3.1: COUNSEL YOUR MARINES

You probably said to yourself “duh” reading the lesson title, but trust me when I say counseling does not happen as often as it should, let alone in an effective manner. You can tell me I’m bragging and that’s fine but I don’t care- I have been told by almost every single SNCO I’ve ever counseled that they haven’t received a formal counseling since they were junior Marines or sometimes ever. That is disgusting. You can not lead without knowing the people you are leading. I get the same response when I sit down and discuss a fitness report with my Marines, so don’t be the scared leader who is afraid to try and make a person or unit better. You might get the “I don’t need this” attitude from your SNCOs but don’t listen; get to know your senior enlisted leaders too and figure out how best to employ them within the team. You will get pushback but you will immediately see the benefits of counseling if it is done effectively.

I have a video on counseling on YouTube that encompasses the details of effective counseling with the modern generations (just look up my name and Counseling and it should appear). But for the purpose of family leadership, effective counseling includes a discussion of a Marine’s family and their goals. I have a very unique initial counseling style in which most of it is actually filled out by the Marine rather than myself. Sure I lay out my expectations and billet description, but the rest of it is about the goals of the Marine both personally and professionally. In those sections I get a snap shot of how the family impacts that Marine and I can see how his or her priorities break out. Understanding the family dynamic of each Marine is critical in order to effectively communicate and lead each one.

LESSON 3.2: RESEARCH YOUR BASE RESOURCES

The resources have been discussed in both the service member and spouse sections, so I’ll keep this lesson short.

Most bases and units have a plethora of resources available to help you take care of families in your unit. Counselors, chaplains, doctors, financial advisors, and your chain of command are only some of the helpful tools to use or recommend for your teams. Being a good leader does not mean you always have the answer, but you should know where to look for the answer and be willing to work to find a solution. I recommend that you find a pamphlet or phone guide to all the resources available so you have contact information in case a situation comes to your attention. You can always search for the resource but if you maintain a phone roster then the troops know they will get a quick and effective answer or resource.

LESSON 3.3: FOSTER A FAMILY FRIENDLY ENVIRONMENT

Fostering a family environment is much easier said than done. There is not one way to accomplish this, but I will certainly offer some recommendations.

This starts in the counseling. By asking about the family up front, the troops know it’s at least high on the priority list and that in itself goes a long way. Either in that counseling or in separate conversations, be sure to ask the troops what they want out of family day events and interaction. A lot of leaders will blindly host family events and while the intent is positive the execution falls short. One time my company suggested a unit cook off and a softball game, but they asked it not be mandatory. I tried it out and sure enough it was a great success and families were interacting and having fun, plus the food was good and almost everyone in the unit came, despite not being a mandatory event. The buy-in is exponentially greater when the team gets to have a say in the event.

Another simple trick is to get to know the spouses. Similar to counseling, I have had many troops express gratitude for even knowing the name of their spouse. That may seem simple, but between the troops and everything else going on as a leader, it’s understandably difficult to forget names and not know much about the spouses. On my desk I had a spreadsheet with all my Marines, and on the sheet it included their family status (if not married then who they considered their family), so I often looked at the spreadsheet to remind me about what was going on at home. It included names, home towns, hobbies, interests, etc... so if I had a family event or just knew I’d see one of my Marines’ spouses then I could refresh my memory. It’s nice to ask a spouse how they are doing and how the kids are, but go ask a spouse who is a die hard fan of say Alabama Football and they feel included and cared about.

The last tip I will discuss is enforcing good habits at work. This one is incredibly difficult, and I have never fully succeeded, but I’ve come close. The military has some bad habits that need to be fixed because they negatively impact families. Excessive tobacco use, wild amounts of cursing, and unhealthy diets are some of the many habits we need to work on. Unfortunately, these are all habits that either directly or indirectly have a negative impact on the families. Tobacco use, for example, has a direct impact if cigarette smoke constantly fills a home, and an indirect impact if the service member cannot financially sustain the habit. As a leader, it’s important to enforce good habits in the work place, not only to benefit the unit but to also benefit the families who rely on the service member.

Using these tips and taking steps to build a genuine family environment will not only make your job easier and more fun, but will increase the overall readiness and ability to fight in your unit.

LESSON 3.4: TIME OFF DOESN’T ALWAYS TAKE CARE OF MARINES.

One of the greatest misconceptions of military leadership is that time off translates to rested, effective units. In many cases it will help, but it is not always the answer. People throw the phrase “taking care of Marines” out there a lot, but many leaders don’t really knows what it means.

The only way a leader “takes care of Marines” is to ensure they are as well trained and lethal as possible once they step foot on the battlefield.

There are many ways to get to that point, such as proper evaluations and awards, effective training, and continuous reflection, but the goal of leaders is to do everything possible to provide the experience and resources necessary to bring everyone home. If that means you train harder or longer than expected, so be it. If that means giving an extra day off after an exercise, that’s great too. But there is an idea that time off is used to rest and recover and that is not always the case.

This happens on a daily basis as well. Many leaders, and of course the troops, aim to get home as soon as possible every work day. While I am always excited to come home to my family, I recognize that if I fail as a leader or fail to complete a task I will end up losing more time from my family, and potentially put my troops at risk. Training and working to a task is a much more effective mentality than training and working to a time. That obviously comes with a task standard so the team does not rush through it, but the point is instead of giving times for an event to finish, assign conditions. We do the same thing operationally- conditions based sequencing. I guarantee a young military wife would rather give up an extra hour every week to training than they would lose their husband in combat due to lack of proficiency. As a leader, bringing the Marines home is your responsibility, so take the time to train them so they are prepared to face any challenge, overcome it, and come home.