Guarding Against Manipulation

The Subject

Some people manipulate. Some people get manipulated. It happens all the time, throughout the day, throughout the night, and it happens everywhere across the globe, even today.

People are manipulated at job interviews. They may be the interviewers. They may be the interviewees. People are manipulated during appraisals. They may be the appraisers. They may be the appraisees.  People are manipulated at the negotiation table. They may be the buyers. They may be the sellers. Some people manipulate on some days, while getting manipulated on others. It happens all the time.

Despite now being well into the Age of Innovation, problems of the feudal era remain and persist. Humanity has a nasty habit of hoarding and carrying excess luggage. The excess luggage here, is subjectivity. When subjectivity prevails over objectivity, or when irrationality prevails over rationality, manipulation happens. The manipulator gains, unfairly off course, at the expense of others in one way or another, and the manipulated loses, quite as unfairly.

A Slight Digression: A little about me

I have lived life a little less ordinary. I have explored and experimented with life. I have dabbled in all sorts of activism. I have been a school and varsity debater. I have on my own will and accord sought to reach out to strangers who'd have nothing to do with me, in hope to make things a little better for them, just because at that time, I have been able to. And amongst other more interesting things, I have given four years of my life to the cause of rehabilitation of convicts. In the course of the latter, I have literally met all sorts, on both sides of the fence, without arriving at the conclusion that I have seen it all, because I know there'd be much more out there. In my four years of working in the rehabilitation sector, I have witness and experienced a never ending and ever escalating game of manipulation at a very different level. And when it is a routine part of the job, you learn to not be a part of the game, but the game master that enjoys the game. It does not make me someone who knows how to manipulate, but it makes me someone, you really should not try to take for a ride.

When I meet people, the faces are not immediately important to me. Nor what they do or their job titles or where they come from or anything else about their backgrounds. Without any hocus pocus or psychic powers, I read intentions, pretty quickly. I don't talk about it often, because it will not be stuff for comfortable conversations. Besides, it can be scary to think the person you are meeting for the first time can "read your mind". My take, and I know plenty of accomplished psychologists who affirm this, is that reading minds is not possible. From a person's most subtle behaviours though, it is absolutely possible to accurately read the intentions, quite very quickly. And since I have learnt to do it, I have not been wrong.

A Little Fun Story

I got a message from a lady eliciting interest in an implied possibility of a collaboration on a certain "project", that would be very interesting to me being right down my alley. So I asked the lady to call me, and she quite promptly did. She told me what she had in mind, which at that point over the phone sounded objective, rational, straightforward, innocent, professional and interesting enough. We set-up a meeting at a coffee place, rather than her office, at her suggestion. First flag. She works at a company which has a nice swanky office at a nice location here in Singapore that is meant to host and be hospitable, the subject at hand did not seem to require neutral ground, and she asked for the meeting. We're meeting at a coffee place. Interesting. However, some people need to get away from the environment,or the subject may have been appropriate to discuss on neutral ground after all, and I may have missed something. So I let that pass, but not from my mind entirely.

When she arrives at the coffee place, the first thing I notice in the first 25 seconds is that she is probably a natural 'S' and 'C' on the D.I.S.C. but she immediately from the get go tried to play the astronomically high 'D'. One possibility was, it is the nature of her job. My precautionary hat flew out of the bag and sat comfortably on my head anyway. When someone tries to be who they are not with me, the first time I see them, means I want to know everything about them, but before that, what they are up to. Hey, I am a Systems Thinker and a Futurist cum Coach by profession, what do you expect?

Before the lady introduces herself properly, she shows me a printout of my LinkedIn profile, which is kind of impressive. She printed my profile and brought it along. I like people who do their homework (that really is the coach in me). And then, she starts asking about my background and my story, such as where I've worked, why I have left, and probes, leading from one point to another, quite like a job interview. Being as a open a person as I am, with nothing to hide, except for something that for professional or personal reasons no one should share, I am game to sharing. So I keep sharing. 15 minutes into the conversation it was clear, she was looking for down points or flaws or weaknesses or incidents in my history, from the way she probed. This wasn't a job interview. We had met for the first time. She had good access to my professional interests. A game was in progress.  I was waiting for manifestation.

"You are hurt". She interjected at some point. Ah, are you kidding me? Are you serious? You can imagine the questions that come to mind right? And I thought, its good to reminisce my days, from what I have left behind, for, some things from back then were fun too. I am the game master who enjoys the game. "You are not being yourself", she said, well something along the lines, continuing. And then the conversation went on to how I am manifesting a persona that is not me, but the hurt from my past is causing me to deny or lash out against certain things, and I am fighting back and not accepting. In my head, this was like an Iron Maiden concert with me being 17 again. Apparently, according to her, I am driving people away from me. Wow. Yes you bet I messaged a lot of people on WhatsApp about what someone I just met in such a way had to say about right after. I mean, wouldn't you? Off course probably not for the same reason as I did, for me, its just cool. Jokes aside however, this is stuff some folks can very seriously fall for. I kid you not.

Everybody has hurt in their past, if they are mature adults. Someone has lost people they have loved very deeply to death as I have, what's more after having seen them suffer in the worst ways (see, I am pretty open about these things. I am an open book). Someone has been left broken hearted by a love interest. Someone has been betrayed by people they've trusted. The list is not finite. It is a natural part of the human experience. And to an extent, the hurt does shape you, probably for good reason, probably to a good end. When someone plays on that, especially when you have recovered, gotten stronger and moved on, you are prey. If you do not understand manipulation, this is exactly how closed or healed wounds get reopened, and you become vulnerable.

After that, I keep listening to her, I drop hooks, but she does not reveal, really where or what angle she is coming from, despite saying a lot, coming down to psychology mostly, that contradicted too often in those minutes, what I have known about psychology (I do know a lot of people, including a lot of psychologists, and I am pretty well read, and I am from a people-oriented background, but nevermind). And then it got to challenging the thinking, and mindset. It came down to the mind prevailing over the heart. Apparently that was a problem. Not for me though, because I do not go to work to fall in love. Besides, falling in love has already happened in my life. And then the conversation steered towards self-love. Seriously you should talk to my wife, I kiss myself in our wardrobe mirror every morning and am unashamed about that. 

The "meeting" ended with us not being able to work together because we were coming from separate places, her from the heart and me from the mind. I was fine with that. 

Really it was the most entertaining conversation I have had in a while. When we parted though, the fun had to end and I had to get down to business. Who put her up to it? Who was trying to play mind games with me? These questions popped in my head, as I turn around to watch her walking away. I did an immediate revision on her company, and scouted her colleagues on my way back to my workstation. I tried to recall where I had met any of them, if I had , and tried to figure their links. She and I have a fair number of common connections and I started doing homework on who amongst them may be up to something against me (if you have a background like mine, you are very good at such things). Some folks we mutually know have had issues against me in the past for being a young market entrant out of nowhere rapidly stepping on their toes, and "spoiling" things a little, because of lower fees comparatively and more delivery. I put my mind to it, but was confident that those people had given up fussing about me, so I parked that thought aside (not dismissing it completely yet).

And then I find a link. The lady I had just met is under the influence of a gentleman by the name of Serge Benhayon, who is a former bankrupt (according to Wikipedia at the time of my writing this) that has gone on to start an organisation by the name of Universal Medicine in Australia. The Wikipedia page on the group or movement or organisation, or whatever they want to call it, is rather explanatory. If I had indeed been "shaped by my hurt", I would, instead of writing this at this time, have been a follower by now. If I had bought into this lady, instead of being the happiest man on earth that I probably am, I would have indeed been pretty sad. What was interesting though, was that this happened in Singapore, but yet, not surprising. Pretty much a lot is possible in the world.

The meeting with this lady had been a ploy, a front, really, for a recruitment effort, into Benhayon's teachings and his cultish Universal Medicine. Most people, reasonably, would not have figured or expected it.

Keeping Up That Guard

1. Do not stray from Objectivity

Always do your homework before believe anything or agree to anything. Never sign a piece of paper, without first having a thorough think through, with homework and understanding of all that it includes or implies. Consult others who would know better as far as you would need and can. Anyone who'd advise or suggest otherwise to you at any point in your life, is not a well-wisher. Beware.

If there isn't any tangible hard evidence to something that you can verify with any of your 5 natural senses, don't believe it. The evidence does not lie.

Never think with your emotions. When you are emotional, your judgement is blurred. Always clear your emotions before you make your choices or decisions, especially when it is about whether or not to trust, listen to or follow someone.

2. You know yourself best

Always remember, nobody has walked the path of life as you have walked it. Only you know the experience and the feeling. What goes on inside the person you see in the mirror is known only to you. People who end up victims of cults or pyramid selling schemes or fraudulent "self-improvement" programmes, are those who forget this very real but very basic fact of life.

As a Coach, a Life Coach specifically, the first thing I do, is put clients in touch with this reality. I don't tell them what to do. I tell them, what they can, and the limitlessness of that.

3. Think Independently

Whether it is a teacher, a professor, a coach, a mentor or a boss, his or her role in your life should be to guide, to motivate, to encourage and to act as a trusted confidant regarding your respective needs with that person. That person may play to role of advising you on how thinking can work. That person should not be choosing or making the choice decision for you. That person definitely should not tell you what to think.

For example, if someone says you are defensive, and you are just holding your stand, do not be swayed. You know whether you are defensive or not. And then, even if, you are being defensive, you'd be silly really to say the least, if you were not, when there is something to defend against, such as manipulation. Be defensive then, for it would be a good choice, and an absolutely great one.

4. Remember what you learnt in school

Don't trust strangers. True, that often, strangers are friends you just haven't met yet. Every relationship takes time, and it should, to grow. Don't rush it. Definitely don't jump into it. If someone is trying to skip stages with you, it should ring the alarm bells really loud inside of you, instantly.

There is a period, that varies off course, between two unknowns being strangers and friendship. There are many factors to it. Let those factors play out. Same goes for buyer-seller relationships. Same goes for employer-employee relationships, though the context is a little different. If anyone is assuming trust very quickly, especially when it comes to anything personal to you or to thought train, and many Managers do this with new subordinates, mentally, withdraw, immediately, to understand the motive first, before buying in or accepting.

To the Lady in my Little Fun Story Above

It was a fun game. I would have appreciated it a little more, had it been initiated in a context other than that of work or business or a collaboration, and had it been played on a holiday. Yet still, it wasn't a loss. Gave me some ideas of what I should incorporate in my coaching efforts for my clients. I do owe you a hot chocolate for that. And what is most impressive, is your courage, for trying this with someone who operates under the banner of Mind Evolution.

Harish Shah is a Professional Coach helping clients with a wide variety of professional and personal matters. He uses Meditation to help clients overcome personal difficulties as well as to achieve the best of their potential. He can be reached via [email protected] or at +65 94510637.