GRRReetings, From RRRussia, With LuFFF!!

THE "20/20" on VLAD & DON’s “NEW YEAR'S DAY, 2020” GREETING

VLAD: Hello Donald, Happy New Year, Comrade!

DON: Thanks, Vladdy! Same to you! But so far though, I’m a not so sure it’s going to be a good one.

VLAD: What’s bothering you, my little rose petal?

DON: Oh c’mon, stop kidding me. You know I’ve got the democrats holding all the cards on impeachment. And there are a couple of Red state Senators, like that schmuck Romney, who really hates me. I’m about to twist in the wind on Capitol Hill on trial in a few weeks. There’s a chance I could get fired. After all we did to get it, I might lose this job.

VLAD: (Laughing) Oh, my little Trumpy Bear, you are so emotional. You forget that Moscow Mitch still controls your Senate. We own his wife, so she’s going to make sure he does what he’s told.

DON: That’s reassuring to hear! Speaking of wives, Melania would love it if I got convicted. She can’t wait to go shopping without an entourage. She hates having to smile in public.

VLAD: Is that what’s bothering you? I remember a different Donald, back in the old days. I have a tape of you from when you were partying in Moscow in 2013 with your Miss Universe contest. Remember? All those beautiful young contestants! I can upload it on YouTube if you want, as a reminder of your old self! The Donald I bought and love!

DON: Hmmm… sounds inviting! I wish I was there with you in Moscow right now. Nobody in Wash DC appreciate me. I have to go to Butt-fuck, Mississippi to find any voters who still like me. I feel so alone. The only thing I have going for me these days is the stock market.

VLAD: The stock market. Yes, that brings me to the reason for my call.

DON: Want some stock market advice?

VLAD: No, I don’t play your stock market . I’ve got $80 billion hidden in my Kremlin mattress. But, one day, with your help, if stocks become a lot cheaper, maybe I’ll buy the stock market outright!

DON: (Laughing) I wish I could quote you on that! You’re a bigger capitalist than anyone realizes!

VLAD: One person’s corruption is another person’s connection, right? Besides, we Russians love to play games of chance. There’s a game named after the mother country, Russian Roulette!

DON: That’s true. Anything I can do for you, just call.

VLAD: Donald, that’s why I’m calling. I have a belated Christmas gift for you.

DON: Oh, I love surprises!

VLAD: This one has some good news and some bad news. What do want to hear first?

DON: The good news! I could use some.

VLAD: The Chinese have gone viral.

DON: Huh? I know that! I’m already a big fan of TikTok! I watch it all day long. I love those little videos. I get ideas for my rallies from them. It’s the only app that keeps my spirits up between golf rounds.

VLAD: Maybe I’m not using the right word. Not viral. Virus.

DON: Well, I’m a germophobe, so I hate anything like that.

VLAD: You’re going to love this one.

DON: Why?

VLAD: It’s going to get rid of all your enemies. And win you your re-election!

DON: Really? Tell me more!

VLAD: Yes, but first, I have to tell you the bad news!

DON: What could be bad? You just made my day!

VLAD: Well, I’m glad you feel that way. Because in order for the virus to work, you have to give it time to let it work its magic!

DON: Sure. I can do that. Tell me what I have to do?

VLAD: Nothing. I want you to do nothing.

DON: Come again? You want me to do nothing?

VLAD: That’s right.

DON: Vladdy, I know you still like this cloak and dagger stuff from your KBG days, but I still don’t understand.

VLAD: That’s KGB, Donald. Not KBG.

DON: Oh, right! So, what’s the bad news?

VLAD: Besides taking out your enemies, it might also take out some of your loyal voters.

DON: Oh, that’s not good.

VLAD: Well, it depends on who you talk to. This virus is special. It works best in crowded cities, where most of your enemies live. On the other hand, most of all your loyal voters are cowboys, living out on there on the range, with horses and cattle... and guns, right?

DON: That’s true. So, what you’re saying is, it’ll reduce more blue state voters than red state voters.

VLAD: That’s right.

DON: How can you be so sure? We have the greatest medical system in the world. There’s nothing our hospitals can’t cure.

VLAD: That's where you come in. When word gets out, you should immediately label this virus a hoax, and they won’t have time to prepare.

DON: Gee, Vlad. This sounds serious. You’re talking about a real crisis!

VLAD: It is, my hairy Orangutan. And it’s your opportunity!

DON: What do you mean? How?

VLAD: There’s an old party saying, “Never let a crisis go to waste!”

DON: What do you mean?

VLAD: I mean, that if you just do what you always do, call it fake news, do all that you did to that Mueller fellow. Do all the good things you’re good at, which is why we chose you back in 2013 and this virus will change everything.

DON: So, just keep doing my old Trump black magic?

VLAD: That’s right. Brad Pitt has nothing on you. You’re the greatest actor of them all.

DON: You’re very kind. So, tell me just exactly what I have to do and say?

VLAD: You’re not listening, Mr. Donald. You do nothing. Trust me. This virus will be hitting the west in about 30 days. By then, after you’re acquitted, this will take over the airwaves. No one will remember your little Ukraine problem.

DON: How can you be so sure?

VLAD: Because if you do as I say and do absolutely nothing, this Chinese virus is going to fix everything, all the way through the election! Everybody here agrees! All your real friends!

DON: Wow, that sounds great! What a relief! My problems are solved!

VLAD: Yes, I knew you’d see it the way I do!

DON: Where would I be without you?

VLAD: In jail? But your clothes would match your face.

DON: Very funny!

VLAD: Donald, I’m being very serious now. When I say you need to do nothing, I need you to do absolutely nothing.

DON: You mean to stop the virus?

VLAD: That’s right. But a little more than that.

DON: Do nothing about what?

VLAD: Do nothing to help the hospitals. Do nothing to help the workers. Do as little as you have to for the companies. Do nothing to intervene in anything. Take no responsibility. Tell them it will go away like a miracle. Blame it on the Democrats.

DON: That’s a great idea!

VLAD: Take evasive action. Give the virus a 2-month head start so it can have a desired effect on the your medical community, your energy business, the Democrat Primaries, and most importantly, your precious stock market.

DON: Oh, wow, you’re asking me to let this virus destroy my beautiful stock market?

VLAD: Who’s asking?

DON: But why?

VLAD: (Frustrated) Donald, you’re still not listening? I told you before. I’m going to buy it!