Growth Isn’t About Becoming Someone New—It’s About Unbecoming Everything That Isn’t Really You

In a world obsessed with transformation, we’re constantly told to “become the best version of yourself.” It sounds inspiring, doesn’t it? But peel back the layers, and you’ll see the subtle trap: we equate growth with acquiring more—more skills, more achievements, more recognition. The truth? Real growth is not about adding; it’s about subtracting. It’s about unbecoming everything you’ve accumulated that isn’t truly you.

The Invisible Narratives That Hold You Back

Most of us are prisoners, not of external forces, but of the stories we unconsciously tell ourselves. These narratives dictate how we see the world and, more importantly, how we see ourselves. The problem is that we rarely question these stories.

Imagine you’re climbing a mountain, but your backpack is filled with unnecessary weight: outdated beliefs, fears you’ve outgrown, and roles you’ve adopted to please others. Each step feels heavier, and you wonder why progress is so hard. The answer isn’t to climb harder—it’s to stop and unpack your bag. But unpacking is uncomfortable because it forces you to confront the question: Why did I carry this in the first place?

Michael Jordan: The Power of Unbecoming

Let’s talk about Michael Jordan, a name synonymous with basketball greatness. At the peak of his career, Jordan shocked the world by leaving basketball to pursue professional baseball. On the surface, this decision looked like an unnecessary detour. Critics scoffed, fans were puzzled, and the media questioned his sanity.

But Jordan wasn’t chasing a new identity. He was rediscovering a part of himself—his love for baseball, a passion rooted in his father’s dreams for him. This wasn’t about becoming a star in a new sport; it was about shedding the weight of public expectation and returning to something that brought him joy.

Even though his baseball career didn’t take off, the experience recalibrated him. When he returned to basketball, he wasn’t just a better athlete—he was a more grounded human being. Jordan’s story reminds us that growth often requires us to step back, question who we are, and discard the layers of external pressure that obscure our true selves.

The Trap of Social Pressure and Algorithms

Jordan’s era was different. Today, we live in a world where algorithms run the show, from TikTok to Instagram Reels. These platforms thrive on one thing: keeping you hooked. The algorithm doesn’t care about your authenticity; it rewards extremes. If you’re not showing more, doing more, or achieving more, your content fades into the digital void.

A 2022 study by the Pew Research Center revealed that 64% of young adults feel immense pressure to appear successful online. The constant pursuit of likes, shares, and comments creates a cycle of comparison and self-doubt. Instead of asking, Who am I?, we ask, How can I keep up?

The result? A distorted sense of self. We start curating an identity based on what the algorithm rewards, not on who we truly are. The more we chase this digital mirage, the further we drift from our authentic selves.

The Psychology of Unbecoming

Our minds are wired to seek patterns and create meaning, but this wiring often works against us. We cling to identities because they make us feel safe. “I’m a successful professional.” “I’m a good parent.” “I’m the funny one.” These roles can be comforting, but they also become cages.

When you try to unbecome, your brain resists. It feels like a loss because, neurologically, it is. The brain processes change as a threat, triggering a fear response. But here’s the paradox: the very discomfort you feel when shedding an old identity is proof that you’re growing. Growth doesn’t happen in the comfort zone—it happens in the cognitive dissonance of letting go.

Growth Is Not About Becoming More, It’s About Becoming Less

We are obsessed with addition. We want to add achievements to our resumes, possessions to our homes, and followers to our social media profiles. More feels like progress, and progress feels like purpose. But what if the path to growth isn’t about addition at all? What if it’s about subtraction?

Growth, in its purest form, is not about becoming someone new. It’s about peeling back the layers that have been imposed on us—the layers of expectations, assumptions, and borrowed identities. Growth is about unbecoming everything that isn’t truly you.

The Cost of Constant Addition

We live in a world designed to reward us for adding more. Social media algorithms, for instance, push us to keep producing, keep sharing, and keep chasing validation. Every like, comment, or share feels like a small victory. But is it?

A study by the American Psychological Association found that 45% of young adults feel an overwhelming need to present a “perfect” version of themselves online. This constant pursuit of perfection isn’t just exhausting—it’s identity-eroding. The more we add to our online personas, the more we lose touch with our offline selves.

The algorithms don’t care about your authenticity. They reward extremes—extreme beauty, extreme talent, extreme success. But life isn’t extreme. It’s nuanced, messy, and deeply human. By chasing the algorithm’s rewards, we risk becoming characters in someone else’s script rather than the authors of our own.

The Freedom of Less

Unbecoming is hard because it feels counterintuitive. We’ve been told that progress is linear and upward, like climbing a ladder. But growth is more like digging a well. The deeper you go, the more clarity you find, and the more your true self emerges.

When you stop trying to add more, you create space for what truly matters. Instead of chasing endless goals, you focus on the few things that align with your values. Instead of living for others’ approval, you start living for your own peace.

What Will You Let Go Of?

The life you want isn’t waiting for you to become more; it’s waiting for you to let go of what’s holding you back. The beliefs you’ve outgrown, the roles you never chose, and the fears you’ve carried for far too long—they’re not you.

Ask yourself:

• What am I carrying that no longer serves me?
• Who am I when I’m not trying to impress, perform, or achieve?

The answers won’t come all at once, but that’s okay. Growth is a process of subtraction, not addition. And the first step is simply to stop, unpack, and let go.