Growing up on the sidelines

Just in case it wasn’t known, I’m quite a competitive person. I grew up playing all kinds of sports, from cricket to basketball to squash and cared A LOT if I won or lost. In my pre-teen years, I would occasionally cry when I lost and throw the racket, ball, bat or anything else I had at the time. Clearly my focus at winning trumped my ability to contain myself and control my frustrations when I lost. So I certainly understand what being competitive means. There was no chance of anyone taking that out of me. A superpower as they say!

So as a Dad, I got to experience my boys play all types of sports and just like some of you out there, would become one of those annoying parents that would “encourage” from the sideline, or perhaps call it “shout” from the sidelines all sorts of things. “Get there”, “Run faster”, “So great!”, “How did you miss that?”, “Oh my god”, and a myriad of other things that you can imagine being called out when you see your kid playing a sport. Whether it was soccer, basketball, football, rowing, swimming or the many others, I guess I wanted the best for them and always felt that by doing what I was doing, I was supporting them and encouraging them.?

And the worst of it was when the game finished, and we were in the car afterwards, sometimes I couldn’t help myself. Embarrassing now to say it publicly but it is all about confession time, right? “How did you miss that goal?”, “You had a wide open layup.”, and so on.?

Do you think they knew that already? Of course they did.?

What I learned was that rather than being their Dad and playing the 100% proud moment role, I was actually trying to live vicariously through them. Their success was mine, their failure was mine too. So if they didn’t do well, I felt like a failure also, and clearly being a competitive person, I hated failing or losing.

I later learned that most teenage kids quit sports because of one thing, and one thing only - their parent(s). Ironically, here we are trying to raise amazing kids and support them in whatever they are doing, but instead we’re discouraging them from failing and learning their own way.

Then one day, maybe like 5-6 years ago I read this incredible article on what a parent SHOULD say to their kids after a sports game. And clearly not what they should be saying during the game which is nothing. And it’s 6 words. That is it!

I’ve shared this story several times to parents and the ones I offer them the chance to guess - rarely get it but it's so profoundly simple, unless you know it, you’ll go crazy trying to guess it. Ready for it…

“I love to watch you play.”

Or another great one I’ve heard in more recent years,?

“Are you up for ice cream/pizza?”

What I learned as a parent is that the number 1 thing a child wants is to make their parents proud. And the person that knows all the small things they did right and wrong during a game, is the child. How can criticizing the child help? They already know what they did wrong. All they want to hear is that you were proud of them. Their efforts trumped all else.?

I was so enamored with this, that my team at Tinybeans also posted about this here.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not perfect here and still try and catch myself, but I’m trying to get better.

I just wished the parents of kids that play sports out there realized the damage they're causing by the shouting on the sidelines.?

Remember it’s our job to be their parent and enjoy watching them try their best. That’s really all that matters at the end of the day.?

I love watching my boys/men play and I love to hang out with them after for ice cream/pizza or anything else that appeals after a game of sports!