Growing up with a narcissistic mother can be one of the most challenging and confusing experiences for a child

The impact of narcissistic mothers on their children is tremendous. Because the mother is responsible for the attachment style of the child, that may follow it for the rest of its life. Unless, it goes to therapy at some point of its life and heal its wounds.

Let me briefly talk about the attachment styles.

Bowlby proposed that?the physical attachment between the mother and child leads to a sense of physical and psychological security. A caretaker who does not respond or rejects the child, makes it feel anxiety, insecurity, and low self-esteem.

The 4 different attachment styles are:

• Secure attachment style.
• Anxious (or ambivalent) attachment style.
• Avoidant-dismissive attachment style.
• Disorganized attachment style.

This article explores the characteristics, effects, and coping strategies for dealing with a narcissistic mother.

Understanding Narcissism in Mothers

A person with narcissistic personality disorder is self-centered, arrogant, lacks empathy and has an excessive need for admiration. Also shows up as manipulative, demanding and ungrateful. She may be intrusive or neglect the child depending on her mood at the moment.

The narcissistic mother is primarily centered to her own needs than to the child’s needs.

She doesn’t have the ability for a realistic view of her child. This means that when she’s happy with her child, she sees the child as special and perfect. But when she’s angry or disappointed with it, she sees it as bad, and will devalue it and treat it harshly. ??

Characteristics of a Narcissistic Mother

• Lack of Empathy: She treats her child with dismissive or invalidating behaviors.
• Control and Manipulation: She uses tactics such as guilt-tripping, gaslighting*, and emotional blackmail.
• Excessive Criticism and Comparison: The constant negative feedback undermines and psychologically weakens the child.
• Conditional Love: Her love depends on obedience or achievements.

Effects on Children

• Low Self-Esteem and Self-Worth: The child suffers from a long-term impact on its self-worth and identity. It develops unconscious beliefs of worthlessness and incompetency that are obstacles to its growth and development.
• Difficulty Establishing Boundaries: As an adult, it is often used and abused in personal and professional relationships, as it finds it extremely difficult to set boundaries. This means that it’s an easy target for manipulative and narcissistic individuals.
• People-Pleasing and Approval-Seeking: The child may obtain an unconscious belief that it doesn’t deserve love. And it follows a pattern of suppressing its needs and desires, and putting everyone else first. So, it proceeds in life, begging for approval and love from almost anyone. ?
• Anxiety and Depression: The impact on the psyche of the child is heavy. It may develop acute and chronic anxiety, and may be prone to depression.

Coping Strategies for Children of Narcissistic Mothers

• Seek Therapy: All these negative effects can be corrected with therapy. Professional help can be extremely important, and help the adult find their power, redefine their identity, set and pursue dreams and ambitions, and live in peace, find joy, and claim prosperity.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is especially beneficial as it supports the individual to spot and correct dysfunctional unconscious beliefs about the self, the others, and the future. ?

• Establish Boundaries: You may start gradually to try setting and maintaining firm boundaries, and as you become good at it, you can do it more easily.
• Develop Self-Compassion: Embrace your inner child, offer it the love and affection that you crave. Forgive yourself if you carry guilt.

Offer yourself the unconditional acceptance that you need.

• Build a Support Network: A strong support network is important, so turn to loving friends and family members to ask for the help and understanding you need.

Healing and Moving Forward

When we process the wounds that our narcissistic mother gave us, we can forgive ourselves, and leave behind her distorted image of us. Then we can define our own identity and proceed on our personal growth journey, with healthy self-love, a clear head and a bright vision of our future. A vision that is created by us for us. Those steps mean that we broke the cycle of narcissistic behavior.

Conclusion

A narcissistic mother lacks empathy, she is judgmental and intrusive. She is manipulative and will not offer us unconditional love and acceptance. She will use us to satisfy her narcissistic needs. She will negatively affect our self-esteem, and we’ll become people-pleasers, unable to set boundaries.

If you identify as a child of a narcissistic mother there is definitely hope for you. Therapy may greatly support you to heal and redefine yourself, find your power and make the best of it.

*gaslighting: The manipulative tactic used by a narcissist that leads you to doubt your own logic, memory and perception.

I am Efi Mesitidou, a licenced Psychologist, CBT therapist trainee. My focus is on Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse Treatment and I am currently participating in the 'Certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician (NATC) Training' with Dr. Ramani Durvasula, renowned author and narcissism expert.

References

1. https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/understanding-narcissism/202402/do-narcissistic-mothers-have-a-maternal-instinct , Accessed on July 14, 2024.
2. https://labs.psychology.illinois.edu/~rcfraley/attachment.htm , Accessed on July 14, 2024