Growing Up Mixed and Not Fitting In...

This has been a rough week. I’ve stayed quiet because, like many of you, I don’t know what to say. But my friends and family have reached out to me because they want to hear my voice and they are listening so it has to be now.

I was born to a white mother and black father and raised for the first period of my life in the only trailer park in Chesterfield, MO a west county suburb of St. Louis. My parents faced prejudice from friends and even close family when they decided to get married, in fact some people walked out of their lives. They understood right away that life was going to be different for us.

As my brother Ryan and I got older, our parents joined a group called IFL which stands for “Interracial Family Living”. They were doing their best to surround us with people that looked like us. Because, growing up in the early 90’s, nobody looked like we did. The only shows on TV were polarized by race, even cartoons.

Lafayette High School was about as racially diverse as you get in the suburbs of Wildwood – about 75% White, 10% Black, 7% Asian, and 3% Hispanic. As we all turned 16 and began driving, I remember the group my then boyfriend was hanging out with all drove lifted trucks with Confederate flags hanging off the back of them.

They called me a half-breed, an oreo, a west county brownie, and a mutt. Most of the time, not always, it was said jokingly…but it never felt good. It was uncomfortable for me to hang out with those people. But it was equally uncomfortable to hang out with the ROTC kids or the students who lived in the city. There were so many things I just “wouldn’t understand” which is what both sides told me.

I’ve felt uncomfortable in my own skin around friends, around family, and around people I’m meeting for the first time. Depending on the environment we’re in, I’m either not black enough or I’m not white enough. With the exception of my brother, I have no one to talk to about how certain situations make me feel. Bringing it up makes other people defensive about what they said or what they meant, so I’ve learned to avoid it.

My parents own one of the largest landscaping companies in West County. I worked there for over 15 years and grew up in the family business. A lot of times, I tried to play it off that grown men won’t accept my professional opinion because I’m a FEMALE. I think that may be part of it, but others simply don’t want “a black person” being successful in “their suburbs”. I’ve seen the N word written in an email directly to me and had a door slammed in my face.

I look around at the industry that I am still a part of. The green industry we call it. The green industry, dominated by nearly 99% white males. Take a look at the lineup of guest speakers at any event (that I’ve applied to speak at for years) and it’s the same face, over and over again. Rarely are there females and even more rare are there people of color represented. (If you’re out there, please say hi!)

The green industry is not known for being progressive or open minded. Many companies are slow to hire females in the field or in sales. Many of them haven’t acknowledged or embraced the LGBTQ communities around them. Many of them are STUCK on the H-2B program which is essentially the equivalent of modern-day slavery. (Yeah, I said it.)

If you don’t like this post, that’s fine. Keep scrolling or write a nasty comment. But if you’re open to new ways of thinking and embracing change – consider these thoughts….

--Look inside of your company and count how many people at management level and above are black, white, Mexican etc. Are you satisfied with that ratio?

--Dissect your hiring practices. Are you judging somebody based on the color of their skin (or even their name on a resume) for a particular role?

--Consider how promotions work within your company. Are you guiding ALL people to higher ranks and giving them the tools to be a better version of themselves?

--You have a voice. Are you keeping your business politically silent or neutral online?

There are more than a handful of companies getting this right. I applaud you. I see you. PLEASE drop a mention below so that people can reach out to you if they want guidance on how to make it happen. Because I don’t have all the answers and we all need to help each other make this right.

To my clients- THANK YOU. Thank you for giving me the chance that I deserve by looking past the color of my skin to see that my education, skillset and background can help you reach your goals. Thank you for giving me the space that I’ve needed this week to sometimes mentally checkout, breakdown, or feel exhausted. There’s so many good people like you in the world and that’s the future I choose to see.

This isn’t a post about rioting, looting, arson, or protests. This isn’t a post to try to change the social justice system, berate the government, or even get you to go vote. This is a post simply to share my story, let you know why I’m feeling drained this week, and perhaps offer a gleam of insight into an experience you haven’t considered before.

I’ll write part two when I feel up to it. There’s more to this story. ?? ??

“All of us are linked by a shared thread - DNA - that we are genetically 99.5% the same. We share so much in common, yet black and brown skin means you will disproportionately experience injustices and prejudice that can put lives on completely different trajectories.” - Anne Wojcicki, CEO and Co-founder, 23andMe

#BlackLivesMatter #BlackGirlMagic #BlackBusinessOwner #MixedChicks #BlackGirlProblems #WhiteGirlProblems #23andMe #TakeAStand #BlackoutTuesday #HandsUpDontShoot #GeorgeFloyd #BlackGirlsCode #EqualJusticeInitiative #BreonnaTaylor