GROWING UP AS A FATHERLESS CHILD

The reason I am writing this is to spread awareness about the importance of healing our inner child. I am sure many of you have lost someone you love due to a car accident or a certain illness. You are not alone. I feel you and I can relate to you. I am writing this because I am sure a lot of you will resonate with my story. It isn't easy for me to open up and be vulnerable about such a deep topic but I know it will help others move forward knowing that there is another person that has passed through this too.

At the age of 4 I lost my dad. He died in a car accident and that day was his brother's birthday. He got buried on his sister's birthday two days after. I don't know what my aunt or uncle felt but I am sure they were heartbroken, just like all my family. I don't remember a thing. I am almost 31 years old now and I don't have a trace or memory of my dad. I just see him in pictures.

Throughout my life, I needed guidance, security and protection. My family gave me everything I could possibly ask for and I am forever grateful. I am extremely blessed for everything I had and I have now. I thought I was "good" in regards to living without a father. But deep down I knew I was hurting. I needed fatherly love, I needed guidance and a masculine figure by my side. I lacked the love from my dad. At times I felt lost, insecure and empty. Growing up without a dad wasn't easy but I was always acting tough as if nothing was wrong but deep down I always felt like a burden to others.

I needed my dad to clap for me after my football games, I wanted my dad to be there for me, cheering for me from the stands. I used to finish my games and tournaments with the medals on my neck but he was never there to clap for me. As I am writing this, tears are just flowing down because I am becoming aware of how badly I wanted him to be there to tell me: "I am so proud of you son"

I never got that recognition from him as a kid because he wasn't physically there. I used to constantly search for recognition outside. I was craving attention. I was lost, hurt and insecure. I was trying to fill that void with people or things from the exterior world. I unintentionally hurt others due to my wounded inner child. I had a hole in my soul. I had the core belief that I am not worthy and never good enough. I did not know what I wanted from life. I had no vision and no purpose.

I thank the universe for everything I have been through. I would not be where I am now if it wasn't for all the pain I have been through. Whether it was the physical pain due to all the surgeries I underwent during my football career or from illness or the emotional pain due to losing my loved ones. Pain was my biggest teacher. If there is no pain, how can we know the real meaning of health?

So whatever you have been through or are going through now, accept it. We can't change our past or what happened to us. We can only choose what we will do now. I know some of you are regretting stuff and some of you might be beating yourself because of what happened to you. It was not your fault. We all have an inner child within us. A pure innocent child that wants love, wants to be seen, wants to be heard. A child that needs recognition, security, protection and guidance.

Losing someone very close to you at such a young age will create core beliefs like: "I am a mistake, I am not worthy of love, I will never be enough." We grow up with a hurt and wounded inner child. As teenagers and adults we try to tap the hurt and fill the empty hole within us. We seek attention and approval from others. We want compliments all day long. We fight with others, we gossip about others, we judge others and we criticize others. Our ego does that to protect our wounded inner child. The ego tries to protect us by being superior. But that doesn't help much because deep down we are still wounded.

After my major illness in 2019, I knew I needed to change. I was laying down in the hospital crying because of the pain I was going through. This was one of the hardest moments but it was the beginning of a new life. It was the ego death day. I knew there was a reason behind that pain. My body was telling me: "there are unresolved issues you have to deal with." From that day on, I knew there was some proper inner work that had to be done. I started connecting with my inner child. I had to reparent my little boy inside me. I am now the father of my inner child. He is always by my side. He is safe deep in my heart too.

I had to look at things from a different perspective. It wasn't my fault or my dad's fault. Everything happens for a reason. The person you have lost is always there cheering for you and loves you deeply. But also know that you have to become the parent of your own inner child. Your inner child wants you and needs you. So make it a habit to connect with your little boy or little girl. In reality, you are beautiful inside out, you are worthy and you are a blessing to this world.

Forgiveness is what will heal us. Forgive yourself for your past mistakes because that was the awareness you had back then and forgive others too. We were all doing the best we could with what we knew and with the awareness we had. There is no place for hate in our world. There is only place for love which is what you are deep down.

God bless you and always remember that the inner work journey is an endless one.

#innerchild #mentalhealth #emotionalintelligence #love