Growing Relationships

Donna Loza, LCPC, CADC, CODP I

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It’s only in the past several years that I have become appreciative of growing and tending to house plants.? A friend had given me a small succulent plant for a Christmas gift and I remember thinking to myself, “oh boy, he doesn’t know me.”? I have never had what folks might call, a green thumb, my history has been, after a few months or weeks, the plant doesn’t make it.?

????????????? Well, when I received that small succulent plant, I was determined to put more effort into this growing plant idea.? I bought books, I went to nursery’s, talked to other plant growers, bought plant food, made sure certain plants had more sunlight than others.? I was putting in the work.? ?Once a week, I made sure the plants were watered, and as the plants began to grow, I repotted them into larger vessels hoping to get plant pups or just a larger plant to enjoy on my back porch.

????????????? Relationships with people are similar.? Relationships with friends, family or even within a marriage takes work to be healthy and maintain a steady stream of intimacy or tending to. Relationships between spouses or partners are designed to be an equal partnership of two people who utilize their given strengths, skills and ideas to manage a household.? This is done through intentional communication of daily activities, while building routines of what needs to be accomplished.? Spousal or partner relationships are also about building habits into one’s lifestyle to create time to enjoy one another’s company through shared activities and time for play.?

????????????? At moments, relationships can be strained, the day-to-day grind of going to work, paying bills, shifting kid activities around and grandparents needing healthcare decision made, can cause two people to forget that they are a team, forget what brought them together. ??When this happens, relationships begin to suffer, they begin to argue, battle, and stop believing in the idea of working together as a team.? When this begins to happen, people often shift to protecting themselves, their ideas, their rules and often compromise is not on the table.?

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A question I often ask couples, “Why aren’t we our best selves throughout our relationship?”

When does it get bad enough that we find ourselves, being our worst selves to our spouse/partner?

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I often refer to the wedding vows or the promises two people make at the beginning of their relationship that offers a sense of peace, joy, contentment that we did it, we found our person, the one who will love us unconditionally.? We are elated, on cloud nine, we think, “nothing will get to us, we are invincible.”? As the days turn into months, and the months turn into years, we find ourselves not reaching for one another, some may find themselves, turning away, this can be called, stonewalling.

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According to Merriam Webster Dictionary, “stonewalling is to be uncooperative, obstructive or evasive.”

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What does that look and feel like in a relationship?? It’s the internal choosing of one’s will or one’s heart over the oneness or partnership that was first agreed or vowed upon.? It is, to not turn towards the other.? It is a way of showing a misalignment with what the other person is needing or requesting.? It’s a deliberate move to be out of the relationship.?

As plants need water, food, sunlight to blossom and grow. ?If all or some of those ingredients are neglected, the plants begin to suffer.? The leaves start to droop, the leaves might change color, the ground begins to dry up and maybe a leaf or two begin to fall off. ??

?Just as in relationships, there needs to be a nurturing atmosphere where non-judgmental conversations can be said and heard. ?There needs to be an invitational heart where relationships can breathe and be themselves and not feel like they have to change their ways to meet the other person’s needs all the time. With a nurturing atmosphere and invitational heart, there is then a spirit of oneness that any concern, problem or hurt can be worked with for the sake of building what is possible for that relationship to grow and survive.? There needs to be a deliberate action to move towards one another, to face one another and know that one is seen, heard and loved.

There is a favorite quote that I’ve heard over the years and it resonates so well with this story.? “Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier.”? Mother Teresa.?

Relationships are work just as in growing plants. ?When interacting with others, friends, family or spouses/partners, it would be life giving to the other person that if and when we leave our homes, places of work or even in the public, to leave an impressionable mark. This can be done through a smile, holding a door open, asking someone how their day was, rather than expecting them to ask you first, will leave that person better than when you found them.?