Growing pains

They say that in order to be a writer, you need to ...well, write . And write consistently. I do not think of myself as a writer - but I would like to consider myself as a consistent communicator so I have been concentrating on my new topic - this topic - for a while now. It is a subject I have been tiptoeing around for a couple of years; what it means to grow, without the patronizing arrogance of it.

That being said, the job at hand has not been easy. How to grow is an arrogant, selfish act at heart, and how to actively lead teams or companies to growth, while realizing and accepting all this might be happening at the same time is a high-risk endeavor to put it mildly. And one that inevitably leads us to learn about others than about ourselves.

I have not always been trying much .. mostly I had been filtering for a while, at least in the beginning; filtering situations, crises, decisions through my vision, or what would figure as my vision over the years - the ultimate filter it seems. In recent times filtering has not been so easy- so I did try that much harder, because when all else fails, we are used to exhaust ourselves just that little bit more. The most interesting outcome of that effort was not better 'filtering' but the admission that it was all about letting go. Growth is not just about us - it is about others. It is about all those we think are in our way but in fact are ready to grow with us, it is all about conditions and how we make them work for us, it is about making the most of circumstances, it is about trust; trust that someone can get it done - whatever it is - while you can continue all that growing. Because not everything happens at once and by us alone.

But this is not the whole picture is it? There is also the realization that this journey is both communal but also terribly solitary - a beacon after a long trek that not everyone wants or should come along to. And where is the pain in that I hear you ask? Oh don't worry.. we are coming to that.

For a long time, during our careers growing is associated with unidirectional evolution - the "only way is up" type of thing. And I remember the personal frustration of side-ways movement, even demotion, wrong choices and the general wondering of when would that something real happen? My first team management position essentially dates back to early 2000's - there were two members in my team back then and within two weeks of that promotion I realized that they disliked each other. Within three weeks I realized that if that team was to grow and succeed I had to manage them first and then the work at hand.

That team did not grow. I messed it up; I was so young and self-involved and they could simply not interest me long enough to make it work. It was years and years later when I had at least some level of professional maturity that I realized some of the mistakes; the organization and the lack of prepping, the lack of goals and targets, the lack of real planning for what lay ahead. And let us face it, I was neither ready nor deserving. But I was keen. That I always have been.

The painful part was and still is, realizing whether or not this is of any interest to you whatsoever. The only-way-is-up approach to a career has often failed many-a talented professional. Why? Because growth is primarily a personal ambition - it is not what your boss thinks you should be doing; it is about you and what you think you should be doing. So we circle back to our earlier conversation on visions - visions might be personal but they often involve others. Realizing a vision across teams, across personalities and other people's pains is when things become interesting.

My personal vision in regards to the team under my direction at the moment may or may not be relevant to everyone in the short- medium- or long-term but it is certainly not a shining beacon like I mentioned earlier; I think that was a lie. My personal vision is a patchwork of sweat, blood and tears - the best of a myriad possible scenarios, carved in fire and executed often under extreme pressure, balancing deadlines, ambition, personal agendas, goals and the pursuit of satisfaction. Not a painless process. Getting others to sign on it, is probably the hardest, most painful act. Realizing the wrong decisions, turning the boat around, wiping the sweat of your forehead, readying for another round and hoping things will go well -and they don't and you try again and you have more pain and rejection and then .. . jackpot; that maligned and misunderstood vision is sort of not legless anymore and it is struggling to get on its feet and oh-look it is balancing, oh no wait, it just took a tumble, oh ooh it made it, hold on, it is up.

You should listen to others when they say you cannot make it - understand what makes them say it, understand their motivation, your shortcomings -- there are plenty. We cannot shut our ears to the humans around us, regardless of their own less-than-pure reasons, who are supposed to be our peers in our growth journey. What is growth if not a team sport? And teams fail and teams succeed and they are always in flux, new players come in, new challenges, players change teams, even coaches and managers change teams and what remains? a collective ... a unified perception of what that team is about and what it can achieve - what it has achieved and how it can get there. Sure not everyone will get it, but then again not everyone grows in the same way and not everyone hurts in the same way. In my view, accepting the pain is an inevitable rite of passage - but one has to define what are they feeling the pain for.. it needs to be your pain to feel, and your reward to reap at the end. And that is what it will make it all worthwhile. Eventually. Some day. And not always.