Growing around Grief

Like many of us, I live and work with a loss shaped hole in my heart. Today was a normal Monday morning. I had a lovely weekend, it's not an anniversary or a specific milestone of a death, nonetheless I was randomly hit by a wave of grief which resulted in tears in the middle of Costa Coffee. That's grief for you. She tends to strike in the most unpredictable of times, months even years after the death of a loved one.

It doesn't matter that you are not here in person as long as you are here in my heart (Little Prince)

The thing is, the size of my loss doesn't diminish with time. It hasn't gone away by simply going through a linear set of emotional processes. It didn't stop after a set timeframe or passing various milestones, like after the funeral or various 'firsts' without the person. My loss lives with me, it's a part of me and if I'm honest I don't want to it go - which is okay.

The Great Taboo

Death and grief is one of life's great taboos. Nobody talks about it. It isn't seen to be the 'done thing to do' to talk about death, loss and grief. The 'stiff upper lip' and getting on with it, is deemed the 'correct' way to deal with grief. So as an adult when I experienced loss, I suppressed how I was feeling. I didn't want to be seen as dramatic or a drama queen. After all, everyone else seems to be able to quietly go about processing their grief... right? I felt I should do the same.

The only trouble is, people don't go about quietly processing grief - we simply conceal it. Everyone experiences different levels of feelings and reactions to death. And because death and grief isn't talked about, when you have normal reactions to grief like, numbness, fatigue, searching behaviour, hollowness and even hallucinations/sense of a presence, it can be a really lonely and isolating place to be. You feel like you're a strange or an abnormal person. I know for me, I was so freaked out by my grief reactions I attempted to gain back control through engaging in unhealthy behaviour, whether it be extreme exercise and dieting, to over eating or drinking to excess... I desperately wanted to feel 'normal' and in control again.

Grief in the World of Work

Working in the corporate world didn't help. It exacerbated the situation. I felt a lot of pressure to get back to work after a death and then I overworked to make the time up that I'd taken out. I only typically got compassionate leave for one day because I didn't qualify for 5 days, as my loss wasn't deemed an immediate family member by societal/corporate norms. (Also who gets over a death in 5 days anyway?!).

The hardest part for me was returning to work like nothing had happened. One of the most important people in my life had died and it felt like madnesses seeing the world continue as if nothing had happened! The situation was further compounded by the lack of emotion that is expressed at work or the negative connotations around emotion at work. I've always been very conscious about being emotional at work (due to some feedback early on in my career), so I know I've been overly steely faced when returning to work after a death. I've refused point blank to talk about it, always insisting I was fine, despite sobbing all the way to and from work, having panic attacks in the toilets, zoning out of meetings and generally being hit by tidal waves of emotion, even several months after the death, when I should be over it... why aren't you over it already Kathryn?!

Growing around Grief

My inability to 'get over' the loss of a loved one made me feel like an odd ball and that something was wrong with me. What changed for me was talking about it to someone. It was like a weight had been lifted and I didn't feel so strange anymore. I also learned about 'Growing around Grief'. This concept is the work of Lois Tonkin who reduces the expectation that grief or loss should go away. Tonkin explains that when someone important to you dies, you have a loss shaped hole in your life which you will always carry, it doesn't diminish or go away, but overtime as life continues, life grows around your loss. For me, this brought me comfort that I don't have to forget the person that has died, I can carry them with me as I journey through life and it's okay to feel sad sometimes that they are gone.

The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal. (C.S Lewis)

Normalise Death

For me it's important that we normalise death, the reactions people can have and create the safety for people to be able to talk about it. During COVID the grief people are experiencing is complex, as many of the rituals around death were not able to happen i.e. not being with the person when they died, or significantly reduced funerals/wakes. People need more support than ever with processing grief.

This is the point where leaders roll their eyes at me and say we're not a welfare organisation, we're here to do a job. Yes, that's understood however we have a health service on its knees, with wonderful NHS people wanting to care for us all, but a lack of resources is making that difficult, with long waiting lists.

So as an employee in crisis, struggling with day to day life, who is unable to access timely support - Where do you think they are going to turn? Who would you turn to that has the resources and finances to help?...

We are going to look to the people we spend 90% of our time with and like it or not, that's you, the people manager. Rather than brushing your people away and saying it's not my job, you have the ability to do something meaningful that'll have on impact on corporate metrics like engagement, performance and productivity, but even more importantly, you'll positively impact someone's life.

Here's your opportunity as a leader to practice what you preach in all the forms, policies and tick box processes you subscribe to. Make a difference by making time for people, talk to them, have dialouge, create safety for emotion to be expressed, signpost people to resources and allow them time to grieve and attend counselling services (without making it up through overworking!). Different people need different things, so rather than a blanket policy on what people need after a death, have the autonomy to provide support based on their needs and family circumstances.

Here's the deal - If you care about your people and genuinely support them when the chips are down and when they're at their lowest, you'll be repaid ten fold in higher levels of commitment, loyalty and performance that any pay rise or promotion would give you. If you fail to show care and compassion, you'll reap what you sow. With the 'great resignation' in full swing, where people are voting with their feet, I'm not sure leaders can afford to continue to ignore this issue. Rip up the policy and lead with your heart.

Resources

You can access support through Cruse which is an amazing charity https://www.cruse.org.uk.

For Children and Young People who need support See Saw is another great charity https://www.seesaw.org.uk