Grow up!

A lot of medical evidence is available today proving that if you are not in a very pleasant state of mind, your body and mind will not function at its optimal level.

Consequently, your ability to use or manifest your capability will not be very high. But if you propel yourself with calmness, you will usually do better.

If you can be blissful no matter what is happening around you; if you can be involved and still not be affected by your surroundings; if you can be untouched by the process of life, you can accomplish many more things. https://mwkworks.com/desiderata.html

Being emotionally fit make us more resilient and help us avoid many of the self-induced traps that rob us of precious time—time better devoted to pursuits that enhance the quality of our lives.

You would have the emotional strength to cope with whatever hand life deals to you.

In fact, someone reported that there is substantial scientific evidence to prove that 70% of the ailments in the world would suddenly disappear if people were blissful and peaceful.

Emotionally grown up people understand this and use it to their advantage.

But often we are simply unaware that we are being controlled by our emotions and that our emotions are being influenced by others.

We let ourselves be blown to and fro by any wind, and sometimes end up leading a parasitic existence, at the mercy of what others decide.

Anyone and anything can influence us according to their whim, and especially our passions and the worst tendencies of our own wounded nature.

The speed at which our emotions change, one feeling morphing into the next, can make them seem impossible to separate and define.

Sure, we notice them when they are raging out of control, at either end of the spectrum, but the rest of the time it is as though they are just there in the background coloring our view of life. And whatever that colors our thoughts, influences what happens throughout our day.

“No one is controlling me!” some people obstinately respond. No one? How many of your years of living, have you had a 24 hour stretch where you did not have a single moment of irritation, hesitation, anger, anxiety, stress … nothing but just passing through time blissfully? Very few people can answer this.

In all these years of living, how many days happened the way you want it?

Just about anybody can hijack it. You went out today and somebody told you that you are the most wonderful person in the world and you are floating on cloud 9. You came home and people told you who you really are and then your cloud started to rain.

It's a very fragile well-being, isn’t it? It does not take some earth shattering event to hijack your well-being. Almost anything can stress you; anything can make you anxious, can disturb you or make you lose your sense of joy and peace.

What kind of outcomes can you expect to create under such conditions?

When one’s life is run by emotional drives, instead of by reason, one abandons oneself to the rule of one’s impulses, offends others by one’s inordinate desires, and harms oneself.

For instance, a person well in years can sometimes behave like a child in the way he responds to such situations.

Remember how you used to behave when you were 5 and you didn’t get what you want or tripped and fell or wanted something some other child had or didn’t get your way? Is there any difference in the way you are responding to similar situations now that you are an adult?

If you don’t remember, watch how your own children behave or other people’s children. Do they kick up a fuss? Do they usually throw a tantrum or display a violent temper when things don’t go their way?

If you look around the office or maybe even in the mirror, you might see many people who behave this way.

They still have not grown up. They prefer to choose a child’s way out.

For example, you may have a woman in the office who always has to win an argument. Most of the time she behaves like a lady but when someone disagrees with her, she might just as well be 5 years old.

Then there’s the guy who can’t take a joke. Laughs as hard as anyone at others but when the joke’s on him, watch out. His 5 year old son would act the same way.

There’s also the guy who constantly shows off to gain attention; there’s the woman who cries over trifles; there’s the man who becomes violently angry when he loses out. "There, I am glad I got that off my chest," he may say after an outburst. But in the process he just destroyed his relationship with his colleague, his wife, or children.

Indiscriminate expression of emotions or to thoughtlessly let it all hang out by telling anybody and everybody exactly how you feel may give you instant gratification, but it is a childish way to respond to others and to your emotions.

These are just some of the many behaviours we see around us every day.

Social psychologists calls this sort of behaviour an ‘infantile reaction’. It indicates that a part of one’s personality hasn’t grown up with the rest.

So the question is, why don’t we grow up? Why do we still behave as a child?

Partly it’s because of the way we grew up.

An emotionally grown up person is one whose emotions are moderated by right reason and not assumptions. The emotional stability and well-being are the result of a certain structuring in which the emotions of vicious appetites are subject to a will that in turn is subject to reason.

When people act according to reason, they proceed by their own movement, according to what they are: and this is proper to freedom.

Is it really the end of the world if someone gives you a hard time?

Will your whole life fall apart if you do not get a promotion, or if your car breaks down in the rain?

So what if your car breaks down? A week from now it will be fixed and you will forget all about it.

Do not worry about the promotion. If you do not get it, chances are something better will come along anyway, especially if you work hard enough to deserve promotion.

Emotionally grown up people tend to think this way.

We are also far too inclined to assume people are being difficult because they are mean.

That’s not necessarily the case. Usually people do not have a personal vendetta or agenda against your better interests. They may be tired or anxious or frustrated themselves. They did not sleep, or a water main burst in their house the day before. They got in an argument with their husband or wife, etc. It can be really that simple.

Do not attribute to malice what can be explained by incompetence, busyness, hunger, or something else.

Sometimes we are better off if we see people just as big kids who cry when they are hungry or tired.

When we are handling babies and the baby is kicking and crying, we never say, "That baby's out to get me" or "She's got evil intentions."

If you practice thinking this way, you will find yourself able to handle any situation with greater composure, and others will wonder how you are able to stay so cool in a crisis.

Although this approach, which in behavioural science is sometimes called ‘reframing’, is helpful, one must be careful what you are telling yourself.

It can also be damaging to you if you create stories to convince your mind to behave in a certain way.

If the stories are true, then it helps form the mind.

If the stories are lies, it deforms the mind and consequently, our conscience. With a deformed mind, we lack the ability to make good choices and thereby, resulting in the problems we face in our lives.

However, with a well formed mind, the opposite holds true and we make better decisions with more positive consequences.

What other ways can we use to help ourselves get rid of these left overs from childish behaviours … those infantile reactions?

Another way is to have some method of measuring our emotional growth and comparing various parts of our personality.

Try to figure out your age based on how you behave in the following situations.

See how big the gap is from your real age.

Have your family rate you and your friends and colleagues too.

Work hard at bringing your rating up in areas where it is low. For example, get into the habit of controlling your temper if you rate yourself low on ‘When I don’t get what I want …..’

Hopefully, next month you’ll have a better rating and by next year, you will catch up with your real age.

                                                        Today                 Next month                  Next year

When some disagrees with me …..

When someone pokes fun at me ….

When I want attention ….

When I am confused ….

When I don’t get what I want …..

As long as you attribute a great deal of unsubstantiated meaning to situations, you will continue to have a difficult time keeping your cool.

But most situations can be handled with poise if you pay attention to the significance you attribute to them.

Appreciate situations as they are and not as how we sometimes imagine them to be. Do not retreat into a negative story that we sometimes create for ourselves but actually observe what is happening in front of you.

According to the author of ‘In The Subtlety of Emotions’, “People ruminate about events inducing strong negative emotions five times as long as they do about events inducing strong positive ones.”

Keep calm by remaining objective and understand that life is not going to end when things do not go your way.

Assessing your emotions in this way helps you deal more rationally with issues. In the process, you will save countless hours that would otherwise be lost in unproductive mental states.

Therefore, passions are great but they must be bridled to be controlled. Either man governs his passions, or finds himself governed by them.

“If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.” - Benjamin Franklin

If you know of someone who you think may benefit or be interested in this article, please feel free to share it and comment if you feel inspired.

Thank you for reading. Tony