They Grow Up Fast

Father’s Day is a unique day that means something different to everyone. If there is one lesson I would pass on to young dads it’s simply this – choose how you spend your time carefully. People will often say things that sound like cliches like ‘they grow up fast’ or ‘seems like yesterday I was holding them in my arms’. When you are a new dad looking 18 years ahead and worried about how you are going to pay for sport, braces, and school fees, it’s easy to focus on paying the bills and work. But those cliches everyone mentioned are also true. Time with your kids at each phase of their life is precious and fleeting. Once they grow out of one phase that time is gone forever.

In 2003 my wife, Paula, and I had four kids aged 5 and under. It was it was around then that I started thinking about the years ahead and how that timeframe exists over four distinct phases of their life. Paula hated this analogy because as they moved to the next age bracket, she could see her children were no longer babies or kids as they grew up. But it was an incredibly important perspective for me because as the kids would transition into a new phase I was especially mindful to enjoy the time along the way. The way I looked at it was in 4 phases of 5 years.

1. Ages 0-5 Baby & toddler phase
2. Ages 5-10 Kid phase
3. Ages 10-15 Teen phase
4. Ages 15-20 Young adult phase

But even being mindful of time passing, there will still be times when you still don’t appreciate just how quickly it does go by. I remember coming home from work every day was a highlight. As my keys jingled as I unlocked the front door, I would hear the sound of four little kids yelling ‘DADS’ HOME!’ as they all raced to the front door to greet me. I didn’t realise how much I loved that until a few years later, on a random day, I realized I was no longer being greeted at the door by anyone. I’d unlock the door, walk into the house, and see my wife and say, ‘where are the kids?’ before going off to find them. Sometimes as a parent, you don’t even realise how fleeting the greatest moments in your life are.

Friday nights were family movie nights in our house from the time the kids were little. We enjoyed pizza while we watched Monsters Inc or Shrek. However, even the perfect Friday night tradition my wife and I na?vely assumed would be forever didn’t last. It was eventually abandoned because it is impossible to get four teenagers to agree to watch the same movie. If they do you can be sure it ends with an argument and at least one kid storming out. Of course, what you are trying to do is raise independently minded, strong-willed individuals who won’t be pushed around. So, although it doesn’t feel like it at the time, these moments are in fact the signs that both your parenting and your kids are on track.

With the baby of our four kids turning 20 in June we are now completely out of the four phases. It’s a weird feeling. Three of our four children have moved out and work and study or do both. They are all excited about their future and have adjusted to their lives as adults relatively easily. I think this phase is harder for the parents to adjust. You go from being in the middle of raising your kids to feeling like the last 20-25 years are a blur. The hours of sport and driving them around is no longer a thing. But that’s our job as parents, from the moment we help them to crawl and then walk and send them to school, every day we are teaching them to become independent adults one day, so that they no longer need you. That’s your job. But as a parent, it takes time to adjust to when they leave the nest.

One of the most profound insights for me as a parent came when I turned 44. That was the year my oldest turned 22. I sat back and realized that I was now the same age as my Dad was when I had my first child at 22. Back then I’d talk to dad about life and get advice because he clearly understood everything. Once I hit that same age, I suddenly realized how wrong I was, I called Dad and we laughed about the fact that none of us really know what we are doing as parents. We all just make it up as we go along, doing the best we can and hoping we get it right more often than we get it wrong. There are no secrets to parenting. Do the best you can and ensure you enjoy your time with your kids along the way.