Grow This One Thing to Live a Happier, Healthier Life
Photo by Katii Bishop

Grow This One Thing to Live a Happier, Healthier Life

One of the longest-run studies ever conducted is the Harvard Study of Adult Development . It started by tracking the health of 268 Harvard sophomores (all men) starting in 1938, and has continued since then, following the men and even their offspring.

Here is the surprising finding: The people with the best health were those with the most satisfying relationships. Close relationships, more than money or fame, are what keep people happy throughout their lives.

"When we gathered together everything we knew about them at age 50, it wasn’t their middle-age cholesterol levels that predicted how they were going to grow old," said Robert Waldinger, the study’s director, in a popular TED Talk . "It was how satisfied they were in their relationships. The people who were the most satisfied in their relationships at age 50 were the healthiest at age 80."

In May 2023, the US Surgeon General put out an advisory stating that loneliness and isolation are causing detrimental health effects at an epidemic level. Here are just a few of the findings:

  • Isolation is costly. Social isolation among older adults accounts for an estimated $6.7 billion increase in Medicare spending each year, mostly in hospital and nursing facilities. Also, work absenteeism attributed to loneliness is estimated to cost employers $154 billion each year.
  • Loneliness reduces achievement at work and school.
  • Social isolation increases the risk of premature death by ~29%. It’s estimated to have the same effect on mortality rate as smoking 15 cigarettes per day.
  • Isolation increases the risk of heart disease, diabetes, and obesity, as well as mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, and dementia.

Relationships matter. I'm increasingly convinced that it is impossible to have a meaningful, happy, and healthy life without great relationships. Certainly this includes our relationships with our spouse or partner, siblings, children, and other family members, but also close friends, collaborators, neighbors, and more.

Here are a few ideas to build meaningful and lasting relationships that will enrich your life.

Be Transformational, Not Transactional

Always remember that you are trying to build relationships that are transformational not transactional—both you and the other person should benefit from the relationship! Together, you collectively get more out of your interactions than you ever would if you never met. That's the spirit of any strong relationship.

Here are a few ways to ensure your relationships are transformational, not transactional.

  • Be a giver, not just a taker. Don't show up to meetings or interactions with your primary goal being to get something out of the other person. Always be looking for ways to contribute to the relationship. You have the opportunity to be a positive contributor to every relationship you encounter by serving the other person. Learn what they care about. Help them connect with a person they would benefit from connecting with or an idea that would be useful to them. Offer to help them on a personal or professional project. Or, just be there in a time of need. Certainly you can ask for help and favors too, but make sure it goes both ways.
  • Focus on the other person. No one likes it when they can tell that the person they are interacting with is only focused on themself. When you are in conversations with others (or even writing emails), how often do you find yourself saying "I" and "me"? If it's a high percentage of most of your interactions, there is probably an adjustment to be made. Instead, focus on them. Turn your attention towards the other person and what they care about, are thinking about, and are trying to work on these days. This shows your desire to know and invest in them.
  • Ask great questions. The power of inquiry is amazing. When you ask great questions, you show your curiosity and interest in the other person. Go deep and see what you can discover about them. Listen intently. Few things can show you care in a relationship than asking and listening.

Be Known

Have you ever found yourself feeling lonely in a room full of people? I know I have.

This usually happens when I feel like no one there truly knows me or cares about me. The conversations feel surface-level and superficial. I can only ask and answer, "So, what do you do?" so many times….

Staying surface-level never deepens relationships. I have often felt insecure and afraid that if people knew the "true" me, they would dislike me. So, I put on my best facade and tried to play the part I thought everyone wanted from me.

But as I've come to find out, when I'm willing to be vulnerable and let others get to know me, I feel more connected. I feel seen. I feel known.

This doesn't mean I need to air out my entire life story, my regrets, and my most personal feelings to everyone I meet. I save that for those I am closest with and have high levels of trust for. Then, when they accept me despite my many imperfections, I feel a greater sense of emotional security.

Being authentic in these situations allows people I trust to see the real me, and perhaps gives them the space to be more authentic and vulnerable as well.

Allow yourself to be known. In doing so, you'll invite more acceptance and connection with others in your life.

Disagree Better

Being able to disagree effectively is a really useful skill. Disagreeing effectively is more than just being nice. It's about disagreeing in ways that help us find solutions and even improve our relationships.

One indication that in our society, there is still work to do in this area is that each Thanksgiving, the internet goes wild with tips and advice on how to avoid fist fights at your family’s Thanksgiving gathering.

Sure, there are divisions because of political and sports team loyalties, but it's more than that. We live in what author Arthur C. Brooks calls a "culture of contempt"—a culture of seeing people who disagree with us as not merely incorrect, but as worthless and defective. John M. Gottman , a social psychologist and relationship expert who has studied thousands of married couples, has found that couples who often show contempt, including sarcasm, sneering, hostile humor, and eye-rolling, are much more likely to divorce.

But we can disagree without contempt; disagreement doesn't have to be destructive. In fact, when we disagree effectively, conflict can actually be quite healthy. Disagreement can help us refine our opinions, elevate our goals, and work towards improvement. We don't need to disagree less, but to disagree better.

How do we do that? With love.?

When we face disagreements with love, we can still see the good in others. We challenge the idea, not the person. We focus on what is right, not who is right. We might even go so far as to work to understand the other person’s perspective so well that if we needed to, we could argue their point for them!?

In the end, it's okay to agree to disagree. Just do it with love and respect, not contempt or resentment.

Do you disagree well??

Take Intentional Action

If there is a personal or professional relationship you would like to deepen, I encourage you to find an opportunity to take some time where the only agenda item is to deepen your understanding of them as a person.

Come prepared with questions you want to ask and things you want to know about them. Include questions that encourage you to understand them as a whole person, not just in your working relationship (although that’s important too).

Professional questions to consider:?

  • What are your main goals/objectives/priorities at work??
  • What do you like about your job??
  • What are the biggest challenges you’re facing at work??
  • Who are the key stakeholders that rely on what you do??
  • What’s your educational/professional background??
  • Where do you see your career headed?

Personal questions to consider:?

  • Tell me about your family.?
  • What’s on your bucket list??
  • What’s your favorite place in the world??
  • Where do you find happiness/joy??
  • What’s your favorite dinosaur??
  • What are three things you’re good at??
  • When you’re not at work, where do you spend your time??
  • If you could go anywhere, where would it be and why?

This is about asking questions and listening to get to know the other person better. Take notes on what you learn. Perhaps what you learn about them will help you identify a way you can assist them in some way. Thank them for their time, validate what they shared, and continue to find opportunities to deepen the relationship in the future.

Accelerate Your Progress

This newsletter is an adapted excerpt from my bestselling book, The Intentional Engineer . It was written just for intentional engineers and technology professionals like you. Go grab your own copy today at: https://amzn.to/3u6bJF2 .?

The Audiobook is also available, so go grab your copy on Audible or Apple Books!

And if you want personalized coaching or training for you or your team/organization, just DM me or email me at [email protected] . I’d love to help!

And if you’re getting value out of this newsletter, make sure to like, comment, and share it with others!

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