GRIT CAN BEAT DEPRESSION

How many alcohol and sweet lovers out there? How come we over indulge in such items, when there is enough research telling us it’s not good for us? We know WHY certain things aren’t good for us, yet we still consume them. 

Is there even a plausible nutrition-based argument FOR alcohol and processed sugars? 

Yes some will cite the ‘dark chocolate/red wine is good for you’ line, but what about the rest of the golden nectars, bronzed gloop and rainbow-coloured plastic candy, taking up a large % of real estate on supermarket shelves? What about all that crap? 

But we still indulge, devour and watch our waist lines grow. Even if we know this feeding cycle will make our hearts creak, our cholesterol soar and diabetes enter our lives, we still consume. 

Why do we do that to ourselves, despite knowing WHY it’s not good?

I have found that when we need to get gritty with our goals, just knowing WHY is not enough. 

In my previous article I discussed a technique I’ve coined called ‘SPLICE WITH WHY’ as a productivity tool, to help us become stickier with our goals. 

Simon Sinek famously popularised the ‘start with why’ movement in his viral TED Talk. But is starting with WHY enough? Although Simon angled his examples towards branding messages with the consumer, his golden circle framework is used to bring team members onto the same page. 

I have found that to continue being gritty with our goals, in order to complete them, we need to do more than just know our WHY. We actually need to constantly check what our why is REAL TIME. 

Why is it important for me to get this article out today by 5pm? 

Why is it important for me to send that text instead of that email today?

Why is it ok for me to take a nap in the middle of the day, instead of using that time to make an urgent online payment.

Why shall I do this thing now instead of that one? Why is it important for me to make that difficult call today? Why am I feeling disappointed with that person? and why should I just accept and forgive them?

‘Splicing with why’ allows us to keep finding the micro-motivation to tackle those micro-tasks on an on-going daily basis. If we aren’t compelled by these ‘mini-whys’ throughout the journey, we will simply procrastinate or won’t do the task.

Several years back, I separated from my then husband. On the day he moved out, I lay in bed staring at the dark ceiling, contemplating the journey ahead as a single mum with a then 1 yr old baby and 3 year old toddler. I was also still running my business across 2 x offices in Asia. I lay there and told myself, I just have to get on with it, since it had been my decision to end the marriage. 

I had no idea what lay in store for me. 

Over the next 2 years, I fell into a depression which I can only describe as a deep dark pit. It was here I ultimately faced my own demons, my fears. 

At a surface level I was still functioning and managing my kids and the business. But I wasn’t functioning very well at all. And soon the signs started to surface, no matter how hard I tried to suppress them. 

Of course I kept the kids alive, fed, bathed them and told them daily bedtime stories. But I wasn’t playful, I hardly laughed, I was stressed, vacant, distracted and exhausted. I had no idea that stress could zap your energy in such a way, that your bones and cells were constantly fatigued. 

At work, my motivation slumped. The business I once cherished and had helped to build with my ex and fantastic team, I began to loathe. Cracks appeared in my leadership and it showed in our declining results. I had to release numbers of staff members, many were childhood friends. 

Some were upset and hurt when I had to release them. I don’t blame them, they didn’t know the extent of the darkness, and I wasn’t vulnerable enough to bare all to them. 

This was the darkest period of my life. My stress, guilt and shame would plunge me deeper into the pit of despair. And I didn’t know how to get out. 

During the darkest days, I didn’t want to get out of bed. What had happened to that driven, proactive, happy Dee, who was a creative problem-solver? Why couldn’t I solve my problems now? 

Where was the gritty girl now? That same gritty girl who had courage and dreams to leave UK almost 13 years ago to set up a business on Asian shores. Where was she now? Where was that fearless Dee, who constantly innovating and trying new ideas to create different revenue streams, where was she now? Where was that joker Dee, the one with typical British humour and dry wit. She wasn’t laughing anymore. 

My former gritty mindset was in hibernation, alongside my reasons to be happy and appreciate life. 

During that period, my kids had their own demands. I felt pulled between being there for them and rescuing my business (which I ran jointly with my ex). 

I decided I would put the kids first. I would work from home on certain days and ensure I ate at least one meal with them everyday. Since there was only one parent in the household back then, I felt incredible guilt if I was pulled away to the office. 

I wanted to raise my children. I didn’t want them to have daddy-issues growing up. But the business needed my attention and energy too, yet I felt I was running on meagre reserves, and had little to give. 

This decision to put my children first and be home-based, cost me in terms of business results. I realised the team needed direction, leadership, motivation and reassurance. However there was no sound leadership coming from me nor my ex. For he too must have been going through his own battles. 

Slowly the business would shrink, as would my pay check, and I adapted my economical existence. 

Divorce has a wonderful way of putting you in your place and forcing you to face some harsh truths. 

At times I’d swing back to being in the office more, but I could see the kids were affected by my non-presence. My daughter in particular presented ongoing separation anxiety and would be extraordinarily demanding and clingy. Perhaps she worried that I too may leave one day. 

Her school would call me reporting behavioural issues, or alert me to her distracted nature, So I’d swing back to spending more time with the kids. All the while my own self-care remained at zero, and I hadn’t really addressed my mental state. This yoyo-ing between trying to find a balance to be there for the kids and the business, stretched me mentally and emotionally. 

One day I decided I would stop this pity-party and start a healing journey to get myself out of my pit of despair. Whilst I remained in victim-mode, and in that depression, it wasn’t fair on the kids, my team, my business, family and friends and mostly it wasn’t fair on me. I no longer recognised myself. 

Depression has a way of eroding who you once were. Or so you think. For your former self hasn’t been eroded, but is masked from sight.

I was still that gritty girl. I was still that happy butterfly. I was still that creative powerhouse. I just couldn’t see it. 

So I set my big WHY. I decided to embark on a journey of healing. During this journey I learned WHY I must forgive, WHY I must be in gratitude, WHY I must find joy in the mundane, WHY I must laugh again, WHY I must play music again, WHY I should do art with my children, and WHY I should listen better.

I had spent too long outwardly blaming, and once I moved to gratitude and compassion, I could see things clearer and found strength. 

When I began splicing my life with why, I moved forward. I moved out of despair. I grew. 

I started to try and appreciate my marriage for what it was, despite it not ending well. I tried my best (and still do) to understand my ex’s position, and what he must be going through. On some days I found compassion for him, and then other days I would sway to blame again. Then I’d have to practice the whole forgiveness and compassion piece again, as I’d realise I was still in resentment and blame. And whilst I stayed in those negative mindsets, I would not be able to grow or learn. 

There were lessons behind why my marriage had ended, and I was desperate to learn them. More than anything, I wanted to remember the good times and be grateful to my ex for the gift of having my kids. But it was a challenge to remember and even force gratitude, when I still harboured anger. 

This led me to understanding why the concept of surrendering is important. Since I had constantly been in fight/flight mode. And this was causing ongoing friction. 

It’s an art that I’m still perfecting. But I have learned to respect the other person’s view point and listen better. 

And the 2 biggest WHYs I discovered where the reasons WHY I must learn to adore myself and WHY self-care is not a buzzword, but something that can transform our existence and how we show up in the world. 

My entire healing journey took grit. It took grit to face the fears and stories and self-sabotaging blueprint. 

It took grit to practice new rituals and habits to replace the old non-serving ones.

Grit spliced with WHY is how you get things done. Grit spliced with WHY is how I lifted myself out of a depressive state. 

Using grit, I rediscovered my grit, and I hope you can too. 

Written by Dee Allan-The Gritty Girl, International Speaker, Writer and Entrepreneur.

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