Gripes to Growth: Transforming Bonding Over Shared Dislikes

Introduction

In any environment, relationships are crucial for creating a productive and harmonious atmosphere. These connections often develop through shared interests, common goals, or even mutual dislikes. While bonding over shared dislikes can foster strong connections among individuals, it also has its drawbacks. This phrase "bonding over shared dislikes" has been flashing in front of me for quite some time through books and articles, so I thought why don't I write and gain some clarity on this?

What Is Bonding Over Shared Dislikes?

Bonding over shared dislikes occurs when individuals connect over mutual disdain for a person, policy, process, or any aspect of the environment they share. This phenomenon is common in workplaces, where employees might find camaraderie by voicing their grievances. While this can seem harmless or even therapeutic sometimes, it often fosters negativity and can create cliques(A clique is a small, exclusive group of individuals who interact closely with one another and share common interests, often excluding others), leading to a divisive work environment.

As Susan Cain notes in her book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking, “Shared dislikes create a kind of instant intimacy. But it’s a fragile bond, based on negativity rather than positive commonality.”

How Does It Happen?

Shared dislikes typically arise in environments where stress levels are high, or when individuals feel powerless to change their circumstances. In such settings, people may seek solace in discussing their frustrations with others who feel the same way. This behaviour is reinforced by the human tendency to seek social validation, as described by social psychologist Robert Cialdini in Influence: The Psychology of Persuasion: that people are more likely to agree with others when they perceive a shared experience, even if that experience is negative.

Disadvantages of Bonding Over Shared Dislikes

1. Fostering a Negative Environment: Constant focus on dislikes can create a toxic atmosphere. Individuals might become more focused on complaining rather than finding solutions, which can lead to decreased morale and productivity.
2. Formation of Cliques: When individuals bond over shared dislikes, they may form exclusive groups that alienate others. This can result in a fragmented workplace/society where collaboration and communication suffer.
3. Inhibition of Open Communication: Individuals might feel discouraged from voicing differing opinions or proposing new ideas if they fear criticism from a dominant group bonded by shared dislikes.
4. Damage to Professional Relationships: Negative bonding can undermine trust and respect within teams, making it harder to resolve conflicts and work together effectively.

As Patrick Lencioni points out in The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, “Teams that bond over negative commonalities often struggle to trust one another, which is the foundation of any successful team.”

How to Change This Behavior

1. Promote Positive Interactions: Encourage yourself to bond over shared goals, successes, and interests rather than dislikes.
2. Foster Open Communication: Giving and receiving honest and genuine feedback regularly can help in addressing any issues before they become sources of widespread dissatisfaction.
3. Lead by Example: Leaders(you are the Leader) should model positive behaviour by focusing on solutions rather than problems. You can also discourage negative talk and emphasize the importance of maintaining a positive work culture.
4. Encourage Empathy: Help yourself understand different perspectives, which can reduce the tendency to bond over shared dislikes. Attend empathy training and workshops to understand how to go about doing this.

Conclusion

While bonding over shared dislikes is a natural human behaviour, it can have detrimental effects on the workplace. As with any behavioural change, self-awareness and willingness to change is crucial. By setting the tone and leading by example, you can help shift the focus from what divides people to what unites them.