Grief: When Great Trees Fall

Grief is a natural response to loss, encompassing many emotions, from sadness to anger. It is a deeply personal experience that varies from person to person. Although often associated with the death of a loved one, grief can also be triggered by other significant losses, such as divorce, job loss, or the end of a cherished dream.

Types of Grief: There are several types of grief, each with its characteristics and challenges:

1. Anticipatory Grief: This occurs before an impending loss is often experienced by those caring for a terminally ill loved one. (I recently felt this one with every fiber of my being).
2. Normal Grief: A typical response to loss involving a range of emotions that diminish over time.
3. Complicated Grief: When grief remains intense and prolonged, hindering a person's ability to function.
4. Disenfranchised Grief: Grief that is not socially acknowledged or supported, such as the loss of an ex-partner or a pet.
5. Collective Grief: The shared grief of a community or society, often in response to a large-scale tragedy or disaster.

My recent experience with grief has been gut-wrenching. It took me 4 ? months to even write about it. I was in shock, I experienced anticipatory anxiety (e.g., anticipating death before it happens), and I was flooded with emotions that I never experienced. In short, the last two years have been tough; my eldest sister passed away from breast cancer, two friends my age passed away: one was murdered, and the other had cancer, my dog of 15 years passed, and the most impactful: My mother and best friend passed away. While this was happening, life was business as usual: working, caring for the kiddos, getting married, graduating with my PhD, and trying to juggle my emotions. In short, I am actively grieving.

The crazy part is that I thought I would have more support from some people, whether it was family, friends, or co-workers, but the tough pill to swallow is that people have their own lives and problems. One friend flat-out told me she did not want to relive the cancer battle as her mother had a challenging journey, another was battling her mental health, and another was not sure how to support me; my point is that no one can genuinely carry the burden of grief.

Shout to my prior boss and friend, Belinda Harlicker, who prayed for me and even stood in the gap with the kiddos for the funeral. Lisa Jammer for being a friend in the thick of it, and of course, my husband, Shaun Lewis, who is and was my rock! Grief is a weight that you must first bear, and if you are lucky, you have the right people in your corner to support and encourage you. If you do not have support, grief groups, therapy, etc., can be sought out.

It has been so tough learning to navigate my life without my mother. Our relationship is unique. I am the baby of four sisters, and we talked every day, several times a day, and the silence of not hearing her voice is deafening. She was my cheerleader, accountability partner, listening ear, voice of reason and warmth. I used to send her gifts themed “You are my sunshine,” and I would sing that to her as she grew ill. Life has been bittersweet in many ways without my north star, and my grief has been heavy because my love was so great.

I talked to a coworker, a stranger to me, who noticed that my energy was slightly different, and I divulged that my mother had just passed. When I opened up, they asked me if I had read the poem "When Great Trees Fall." This conversation was ordained as I read this very poem at her memorial. Even when the people you think will support you in the face of grief do not deliver, be open to experiencing the advice and worth of strangers, as you never know how they can impact you. There is no moment that I do not miss my mother; however, I know that one day, I will breathe just like I used to – without any heaviness.

The Five Stages of Grief - The five stages of grief, as introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, provide a framework for understanding the grieving process:

1. Denial: A state of shock and disbelief, often serving as a temporary defense mechanism.
2. Anger: Frustration and helplessness manifest as anger, which may be directed at oneself, others, or the situation.
3. Bargaining: Attempts to negotiate or make deals to reverse or lessen the loss.
4. Depression: Deep sadness and withdrawal, reflecting the reality of the loss.
5. Acceptance: Accepting the loss and finding a way to move forward.

These stages do not follow a linear progression and may occur in any order, often overlapping or recurring.

"Grief is love with no place to go" - Regina King

Regina King's poignant quote, "Grief is love with no place to go," captures the essence of the grieving process. Grief emerges from the depths of love, a testament to our bonds. When someone we love is gone, the love we feel has no outlet, resulting in the intense pain of grief. This perspective can help us understand that grief is not something to be ashamed of or hidden; it reflects our profound love.

Coping with Grief - While the journey through grief is challenging, there are ways to navigate this difficult terrain:

1. Allow Yourself to Grieve: Feel the pain and express your emotions without judgment.
2. Seek Support: Lean on friends, family, support groups, or a therapist to help you through the grieving process.
3. Take Care of Yourself: Prioritize self-care by maintaining a healthy routine, eating well, exercising, and getting enough rest.
4. Create Rituals: Engage in activities that honor your loved one’s memory, such as lighting a candle, creating a scrapbook, or visiting a special place.
5. Be Patient: Understand that grief takes time, and having good and bad days is okay.

Hills and Valleys: The journey through grief is marked by hills and valleys. There will be days when the pain feels overwhelming and days when it feels more manageable. The important thing is to keep moving forward, even when progress seems slow. Grief is not something you get over but learn to live with.

"When Great Trees Fall" by Maya Angelou

When great trees fall, rocks on distant hills shudder, lions hunker down in tall grasses, and even elephants lumber after safety. When great trees fall in forests, small things recoil into silence, their senses eroded beyond fear.

When great souls die, the air around us becomes light, rare, sterile. We breathe, briefly. Our eyes, briefly, see with a hurtful clarity. Our memory, suddenly sharpened, examines, gnaws on kind words unsaid, promised walks never taken.

Great souls die and our reality, bound to them, takes leave of us. Our souls, dependent upon their nurture, now shrink, wizened. Our minds, formed and informed by their radiance, fall away. We are not so much maddened as reduced to the unutterable ignorance of dark, cold caves.

And when great souls die, after a period peace blooms, slowly and always irregularly. Spaces fill with a kind of soothing electric vibration. Our senses, restored, never to be the same, whisper to us. They existed. They existed. We can be. Be and be better. For they existed.

Maya Angelou's Views on Grief: Maya Angelou’s poem "When Great Trees Fall" captures the profound impact of losing someone significant. Her words convey the initial shock and numbness of grief, followed by a gradual return to life with a renewed sense of purpose. Angelou reminds us that the presence of great souls continues to inspire and shape us even after their departure. Her view on grief highlights the transformation and growth that can come from loss, encouraging us to honor the legacy of those we have lost by living our lives with greater intention and compassion.

Lastly, grief is a complex and deeply personal experience. While it can feel isolated and overwhelming, acknowledging and discussing it is essential for healing. By understanding the types of grief, navigating the stages, and finding ways to cope, we can move forward knowing that our love endures. As we honor Mental Health Awareness Month, remember that it is okay to grieve, to seek support, and to find solace in the knowledge that one day, we will breathe just like we used to—without any heaviness. Cheers to healing, peace, and bountiful joy!

Mom, I love you so very much.

~Cubby Bear

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