Grief Is Weird
Since my father’s death last year, I’ve struggled with death anxiety. That is, I have intrusive thoughts about my own and my husband’s death.
I imagine fatal car accidents. Cancer diagnoses. Falls and head injuries.
A couple weeks ago, as Hurricane Helene moved toward our town, I envisioned trees coming through our bedroom ceiling and striking us dead in our sleep.
In the light of day, these fears seem silly to me.
At night, it’s a different story. Worries grow big and scary in the dark. Sometimes I can banish them with guided meditations designed to induce sleep. More often, I have to get up and distract myself with Golden Girls reruns.
Fortunately, I know this anxiety isn’t caused by some sort of mental breakdown.
I’m know I’m death anxious because I’m grieving.
And grief is weird.
You Aren’t Losing Your Mind
My clients seldom reach out to me because they’re sad.
They reach out because they’re anxious. They fear their developing a mental illness or cognitive decline.
They aren’t themselves. They’re forgetful. Overly emotional.
Organized clients forget meetings and bills. Extroverted ones stop socializing. Introverts fear being alone. Tech-savvy ones fall for internet scams.
Their fears may seem out of control. They lose their tempers with irritating family members of grief-insensitive friends and colleagues.
I always reassure them that they aren’t developing mental health problems.
On the contrary, our resilient brains are adapting. They’re re-wiring in response to the traumatic experience of a loved one’s death.
You are not losing your mind. You are just in the middle of a learning curve. ~ Mary-Frances O'Connor, PhD, bereavement researcher
Death educator and author Stephen Jenkinson compares the trauma of loss to a home invasion. It’s like someone broke into your house and rearranged your furniture.
Nothing works the way it used to. You have to learn to function differently going forward.
This is a glitchy growth process. It will take a toll on you physically and mentally until you get your bearings.
The Unusual is Normal
Your response to your loss will be unique, but there are patterns in how people’s mental states are impacted by grief.
Here are typical challenges that you may experience.
These are just a few examples of how grieving affects our thoughts and emotions. Yours may be different.
It’s okay if you’re not yourself after the loss of a loved one. Few of us can escape the weirdness of grief.
But we can find ways to cope with it.
The Serenity Prayer
The root of much anxiety is our resistance to reality.
We didn’t want our loved one to die. We don’t want to have to change because of their death.
Once you drop your resistance to life as it is, you’ll start to feel better.
The Serenity Prayer can be a useful tool for coping with harsh reality. Made famous through 12-step recovery programs, the prayer’s popularity is a testament to its usefulness.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the difference. ~ Reinhold Niebuhr, theologian
Lately, I've been using an exercise based on the Serenity Prayer to calm my death anxiety. This exercise comes from The Acceptance and Commitment Therapy Toolbox by Calvin Caulfield.
This simple exercise has four questions:
What am I committed to doing or changing?
This exercise forces your brain into problem-solving mode. It shifts focus away from your anxious thoughts.
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For example, when I was worried about Helene, these were the answers I had for the questions:
I’ve practiced this exercise enough that I can run through these questions if I’m lying awake at night.
But it works better if you write out your answers. Putting commitments in ink makes it more likely that you’ll follow through.
And less likely that this same fear will keep you awake another night.
More Tips for Worry Management
Here are two other tips for managing the weird side of grieving.
First, confess your fears to a good grief companion. Be sure it’s a wise friend who recognizes that out-of-the-ordinary anxiety is par for the course. You don’t want people who worry about you reinforcing your anxiety.
Second, double down on your self-care. Fatigue and hunger fuel anxiety. When you’re anxious, assess whether you’re eating well, getting high quality sleep, and getting daily physical activity.
Be sure you’re spending some time in distraction, too. Relax by watching enjoyable tv shows or working on soothing hobbies.
When To Get Professional Help
If you’re anxiety feels overwhelming and relentless, seek professional help. It’s a form of self-care and self-care needs to be your priority if you’re going to work through grief.
Also, don’t assume physical ailments are caused by your grieving. Schedule a doctor’s appointment to rule out health conditions that need attention.
Take care with alcohol and drugs. Overuse can put you in harm’s way. You can also use these substances to mask the pain of grief, which can impede your healing process.
Bouts of depression and hopelessness are common emotions during grieving. However, if you start making plans to end your life, get help immediately. Ask your doctor for a referral. Call a friend to stay with you until you get professional help,
In the US, you can call or text 988 to reach the national Suicide and Crisis Lifeline.
It’s Grief
Death of a loved one can make you feel crazy. You may wonder if you’ll ever feel like yourself again.
You will.
Dealing with big life changes will make you feel off your game. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you.
So, as you grapple with Life 2.0, keep reminding yourself:
I’m okay.
And grief is weird.
?#resilience #resilienthealing #mourning? #grief #griefhealing #griefcoach #endoflifedoula #chaplain #lifecoach #griefcoach #mindfulness #gratitude
Want To Know More About Grief Coaching?
I'm a grief coach who guides bereaved clients through a proactive approach to grieving.
Working with a grief coach can be life-changing.
Through coaching, I can help you spend focused time on your griefwork. Because of my research and experience, I can help you find the coping strategies that are best suited to your unique situation. It saves time and gives you emotional support that helps with healing. You'll start feeling more like yourself and seeing the possibility of a fulfilling, enjoyable life after loss.
You can learn more about my program by visiting my Work With Me page.
I also offer free discovery calls for anyone who wants to meet me and ask questions about my program. These are free informational calls, and there's no obligation to work with me. You can call if you’re interested in working with me or referring me to someone you know. You can schedule a call today.
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Grief Coach and Educator, Shadowlands Coaching, Roswell | Metro Atlanta
2 周Thanks Peg. I’m glad she could share her story with you. And that you shared it with us so we have an example of resilient grieving.
Thank you, Cynthia. The Serenity Prayer seems like a very effective—what to call it?—mindfulness strategy while grieving. We all grieve in unique ways? I recently commented at length on another LI post about grief from Charles Duhigg. I wrote: “When I worked as a public librarian, I was often asked to recommend book…Books can be helpful, but they can’t replace one-to-one human expressions of support. That said… “I will never forget a patron’s...?“grief story”… “She’d cared for her husband at home as he succumbed to…Alzheimer's. Well meaning friends told her that she’d find relief when he died. And in some ways, she did.? “But every evening at sunset during the 12 months following his death, she felt a profound sense of loss. Her husband had “sundowned” every evening, becoming more and more confused, and she found his absence during this time of day to be wrenching.? “She was a big reader, and she now found solace in books. As long as she knew that she could escape into a good story each and every evening, she would weather the worst of her grief. She told me that books saved her. “So much is needed…We need to be heard; we need comfort. We shouldn’t have to grieve alone.”