GRIEF AND THE INTROVERT

Grief is commonly associated with the response to “significant loss,” defined as a result of a death, divorce, loss of a home, or illness. These are societally recognized losses. But grief has many shapes that can occur daily, that seem small and easily dismissed, such as being moved to a different office space, not being able to attend a friend’s baby shower, outgrowing our parents, memories of a lost opportunity or past love. Writer Kenneth Doka calls this “disenfranchised grief,” or grief over seemingly small losses.

Grief is the pain that results from separation from what is familiar and loved, which may also include the loss of our sense of self. There may be denial that this, too, is grief, because we measure it against griefs that appear larger than our own.

For the introvert, this can occur in professional environments where being articulate and enthusiastic is highly valued in team members and seen as evidence of being successful, intelligent, and innovative. Grief occurs when the introvert feels pressured to adjust to this type of environment and be someone they aren’t. This separates them from their authentic self.

Meetings or even more casual group discussions tend to be driven by performative behaviors. If you cannot fill any micro-silence with a good idea, support for someone else’s good idea, highlight an aspect of a problem, you can feel overwhelmed by those who are always ready to speak. In her book Quiet, Susan Cain says, “We like to think we value individuality, but all too often we admire one type of individual – the kind who’s comfortable “putting himself out there … Introversion—along with its cousins, sensitivity, seriousness, and shyness--is now a second-class personality trait, somewhere between a disappointment and a pathology. Introverts living under the Extravert Ideal are like women in a man’s world, discounted because of a trait that goes to the core of who they are.” Thus, the cultural preference for readily articulated ideas can exclude the introvert's intelligence, acuity, and creative critical thinking.

As a result of being dismissed, ignored, and separated from the group, or even the fear of being so treated, the introvert will subsume the self in order to conform. The introvert must insert herself into the discussion when she may not be ready to speak, and her professional status will be judged if she doesn’t. The continual pressure to “perform” in public settings often results in significant physiological and emotional effects, including grief.

Our culture encourages us to talk about our grief with counselors, therapists, and in groups. The intention is that once you talk about it you can heal and move on. For introverts, and potentially for many people who don’t necessarily identify as introvert, the concept of speaking about grief that may be seen as shameful or “too small” is another pressure. The narrative and descriptive language may not be available and even if it is, it’s difficult to articulate complex layers of grief. And, simply, not everyone is ready to talk.

Managers and team leaders need to be aware that honoring silence needs to be paired with active listening so that all individuals can feel included, valued and heard, even when they aren’t speaking.

NOT generated by Chat GPT.

SOURCES

Kenneth J. Doka, PhD, Senior Vice-President for Grief Programs at the Hospice Foundation of America: Emeritus, Graduate School, College of New Rochelle: https://drkendoka.com/

?Cain, Susan. Quiet. Random House, 2012.

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