On Grief and Gratitude

If you follow my posts and articles, you may have noticed I’ve been mostly silent for the past few months.??That’s because my wife of 31 years, Denise Pickard, passed away on May 15th.??I have five children, all young adults.??The “baby” had just turned 20 years old the day before – Mother’s Day.??

My wife had a degenerative health condition.??For years, we understood there was no “getting better” – only managing her decline and preserving her quality of life as best we could.??For much of the last decade that decline had been slow.??Over the course of her last six months, it was far more rapid.??She had been in the hospital for almost two weeks, but most of us assumed we had at least months left with her.??She was convinced she had years left.??We were all wrong.

You might think an intellectual understanding of the inevitable outcome of her condition would lessen the pain.??It didn’t.??We were all emotionally unprepared.??I won’t try to put into words what the family is going through.??Maybe there are words, but they are beyond me.??The grief has been profound and at times utterly overwhelming.??

We held two memorial services – one in Santa Clarita, California and one in our hometown of Albuquerque, New Mexico.??They were beautiful remembrances of Denise.??They were also brutally difficult to endure.??They both provided instances of kindness and caring that broke through the fog that I’d been swimming in up until that point.??

Gratitude proved to an effective balm for grief

Maybe you know someone who is going through something terrible, and you want to be a good friend or colleague.??I can’t tell you that my experience is universal, but I can tell you what made a difference for me.

Show up

Some dear friends made the journey to attend one of the memorial services.??For some, those trips took 3-4 hours in the car.??In several cases, it involved plane flights, renting cars and booking hotels to offer first-hand support.??In one case, it was a friend I hadn’t seen for 30+ years. He showed up with his kids and his wife who was pregnant and, unknown to me at the time, struggling with Stage 4 brain cancer.??(You can support Hali’s medical costs?here .)??

Even amid the grief, my gratitude for the love and support of those friends was and is profound.??It didn’t stop at the memorial services.???A friend from the Bay Area drove down to LA and spent 3 hours with me on a Sunday just talking shop and catching up six weeks later, when most everyone’s attention had shifted back to their day to day.?

Reach out

It is typical to reach out and express condolences or support when someone is facing hardship or loss.??What is less common is to reach out regularly, over the course of weeks and months, to express continued and ongoing support and love.??I heard from many people in the week after Denise died, and the support and love I felt through those calls, texts and emails was greatly appreciated.??For those that have continued to reach out over the subsequent months, you’ve been a lifeline for which I am profoundly grateful.

Don’t presume that a friend or colleague will get “tired of hearing from you” after suffering a tragedy.??If they do, they likely lack the emotional reserves to be subtle about it – they’ll tell you.??At least for me, though, the continued support of??people who care has been a critical help in feeling less alone.

Help out

It’s hard to explain the emotional turmoil and near mental paralysis that comes with grief.??Weeks after the fact, I was still having a hard time finding words to finish simple sentences and losing items I’d had at hand mere moments beforehand. So, it shouldn’t be a surprise that when grievers are told “if you need anything, just reach out” that we almost never do so.??

If you’re close (relationally), I suggest you just show up and do for your friend what you know is needed.??I’ve seen a suggestion elsewhere to pick up “grief groceries” – which is a great idea.??We had countless people who sent Doordash gift cards – thank you all – that kept us fed for weeks after the memorial services were done.

I don’t know whether anybody reads this – it’s not a feel-good piece.??But if you’re suffering through grief and loss, hopefully this is a reminder that you’re not alone.??If I can support you, please reach out.??And for others who might be feeling helpless in the face of a tragedy that has impacted people they care about, hopefully this provides a few helpful suggestions.??Lastly, feel free to leave comments with your own suggestions on supporting grievers, ways to be more centered in gratitude, or other approaches you’ve found useful in managing emotional and mental health through loss.