On grief

In the past couple days, I saw two posts dealing with the loss of a spouse. The first was from a man whose wife died two years ago this month; the second from a widow whose husband died earlier this month. In both cases, and for that matter, all cases where I see such things, I reach out with supportive words. My wife died two years ago next month, and my life has transformed considerably over this time: so much so that it's difficult to believe what's occurred. I'll share a bit of that here.

First, I want to add that I try not to offer advice, unless it is asked for. Second, I realize that with someone whose spouse has just died, their pain is simply too raw for much other than kind words of sympathy.

When my wife, Betty, died, it followed nine years of her brave fight against IPF, idiopathic pulmonary fibrosis. For someone who never smoked, getting a fatal lung disease was more than a bit surprising and frustrating. Over the last 18 months of her life, we tried for a lung transplant, but that was just "not in the cards." Her health deteriorated in a steady fashion, as she approached her death. She was brave throughout, and maintained a phenomenal attitude.

Leading up to her death, and immediately following it, I read several books on grieving. I found them all helpful, at least to some degree.

Despite being a somewhat religious person, I did "curse God." C.S. Lewis explained in A Grief Observed, where he addresses the loss of his wife, he admits to calling God a "son of a bitch," and I did that, too. My anger at God seemed to have no bounds. How could He take this beautiful woman? Why disrupt a wonderful marriage of nearly 48 years?

One of the books I read, Widower to Widower by Fred Colby, suggested getting counseling and joining a grief group: I did both. My counselor was wonderful, and helped me a great deal. One of the best things she told me is that "there are no rules." That is, there are no rules as to how we respond, how we progress, etc.

The grief group was also wonderful. One of the best things was the appreciation that the degree of my grief (massive) had a direct relationship to the extent of our love (again, massive). I had a tremendous life with Betty; I was so blessed. I had her in my life for 50 years, and as my spouse for nearly 48. How amazing was that?

One of the sessions dealt with our life after our spouse; that is, what would the next "chapter" be like. This session was so upsetting to me, as I had no interest at all in looking forward.

Following Betty's death, I only wanted to die, as I saw no benefit in continuing to live. Yes, we had two sons and three grandchildren, but without Betty, I knew my life would be very difficult. I prayed repeatedly for God to take me. I had no interest or thoughts of suicide, but I would have welcomed a diagnosis of a fatal disease.

A few months after Betty's passing, I made the decision to purchase a second home in Naples, Florida. At first, I would be a "snowbird," alternating between our home in New Jersey and Florida. But, after just a few months in Naples, I saw no need to maintain the second home, so sold it in August of last year.

I referred to my move as the start of "my new life." This included dating. I quickly realized that I had never dated an adult. Betty was 19 when we married, and we had dated for two years; I was 22. Now, I was about to ask adult women to go out with me. That was amazingly scary for me.

Colby suggested starting with a "practice date." That is, to go out with someone I knew I wouldn't be serious with. This would allow me to go through the asking out, and the execution of the date itself. I did just that.

And then, I began to ask other women out.

I found that a great place was to sit at the bar of a nice restaurant (e.g., Ocean Prime, Seasons 52). Rather than dine at a table, dining at the bar would facilitate meeting someone. I also always had a book with me. I didn't realize it at the time, but the books often served as a vehicle for chatting, as I'm often asked "what are you reading?" This leads to a conversation, and at times, asking the person out. I batted 100% in asking women out. And, over a several month period, dated ten different women.

I was still very new to this, so made several mistakes in one way or another. But, I definitely got better at it.

Today, I am thrilled to report that I am dating someone who I am very serious about, and she is serious about me. My new life has taken on a totally new phase. It seems so unbelievable that this guy, who pleaded for death, is now looking forward to a life with someone new.

Not all widows or widowers are interested in dating or finding someone to replace their spouse; I get it. Also, the timing can vary considerably. Colby mentioned how many men remarry within a year: well, I'm coming up on two years and didn't do this, though I am serious about someone, and that might just lead to marriage.

We can't control the death of a spouse; but, we can control our response. As a priest friend told me, it's okay to be angry at God: He can take it. But, that anger has to stop, in order to allow ourselves to move forward and to grow.

As with everything I write, I welcome your reaction, thoughts, and ideas.