Grief and death, helping children cope

Last week after the conversation of dealing with children's death, I felt that it's necessary to also address the possibility of children themselves having to deal with a loved one’s passing. When a pet, relative, or friend of the family dies, it’s an important opportunity to teach kids about one of life’s biggest truths.

Children, as we know, have big feelings which are usually openly expressed. Losing a loved one to them might be a tragic experience that is especially difficult and traumatic. Sometimes, a child may encounter profound grief that they do not fully comprehend. For adults, we all grieve in our own ways, however children do not have the same coping mechanisms and would need extra support and encouragement to cope with grief.?

Those who are close to me know that I truly believe in making young children understand the concept of death and how the life cycle goes. Yes, it can be a difficult topic to discuss especially when you are still grieving but it is critical to be honest and straightforward to prevent the absence of closure. Naturally as parents we want to protect our child’s innocence but believe me, silence is one of the surest ways to isolate children and make death seem scary, dangerous, or shameful. A simple explanation with age-appropriate detail is beneficial for young ones who may think that a loved one died because they did something bad or wrong! This can cause unnecessary guilt and anxiety.

When discussing death, in my opinion it is best to avoid using euphemisms such as “went to sleep” or “the angels came and brought her with them”; most children will find it difficult to understand and this creates more questions in their head and it doesn’t honestly answer the uncertainty of “What happened?”. Answer as many questions asked even if it’s the most difficult.

In the case that death occurs in the family, let children make their own decisions on how they would like to honor their memory. In my industry, everyone’s feelings are valid and this includes children young enough to know how to express their feelings. Don't be afraid to show vulnerability and include children in sharing their best memories of the deceased. Be transparent as to why death can be a celebration of life instead of an endpoint. Children who are grieving should be encouraged to remember the deceased as often as possible to honor loved ones during the holidays or on significant anniversaries.

As a funeral director AND a mother, I always grab the opportunities to teach my little girl the concept of loss and death. I buy her children's books that introduce about the cycle of life; when watching cartoons I will explain and answer her questions on a character's death and even when taking a walk outside together, I use nature like flowers and trees to teach her that “all living things will eventually die.” It lets her know that death is not “all bad” and that it’s a perfectly natural life event.

Our earliest experiences with death shape our perspectives well into adulthood, and our personal histories and cultural influences affect how we portray issues of death and dying to children.?

Talking about death before, during and after somebody dies isn’t morbid! View it as a gift to our children as we want to foster resiliency and trust, and reinforcing the bond between us and our children.