Grief & Comparative Suffering

NOTE: This article is not intended to be all encompassing on the topic of Grief. Rather, my hope, is to highlight certain aspects of grief that I am seeing a lack of understanding on in our culture today. 

In addition, I believe this topic is very important during this current COVID-19 crisis, but it is also important in our daily lives after this is all over.

Grief & Death

Grief is the loss or death of something, according to David Kessler. I was hesitant to even put "death of something" when I wrote this article because death is all we think of when we talk about grief, but death is only 1 example of what we grieve.

Now first, let me be clear, I have lost many loved ones and have experienced the grieving in death a lot. I have lost a dear friend, basically an older brother, in August 2002. I lost my Uncle Jim, who was incredibly smart and funny, to cancer on April Fools Day 2004. Later that same year I lost my grandfather to Alzheimer's in August 2004. Most recently I lost my grandmother, who I loved so much and cared for me a lot when I was younger, in July of 2017. Finally, most recently, I lost my own dad to cancer on October 1st, 2019. 

Therefore, I am no stranger to death. I had to grieve each of them and I still do each day. However, after I lost my dad, and in the wake of COVID-19, I have been rexaming what Grief means. 

Grief Beyond Death

What really sparked me to write down my thoughts on grief was listening to episodes of Brene Brown's podcast "Unlocking Us". Particularly the episode Grief and Finding Meaning with David Kessler, really struck me. Brene and David Kessler talked about how while death is definitely an important thing to grieve, there are many other aspects of grief that we don't think about or name as grief.

Right now during the COVID-19 pandemic, there are many things people are grieving:

• Death - there are certainly those dieing from COVID-19, and that isn't to be ignored
• Loss of jobs or promotions - many are losing their jobs. Others had been expecting that raise or promotion. (If you are like me, you totally want to jump in here and use an "at least" statement: "At least they have their jobs!" See Comparative Suffering below)
• Birthdays - Many people had to celebrate birthdays without family or friends. For some it was their first birthday, for some it may very well be their last here, but for all they were not able to celebrate the way they would want. This is a loss
• Graduations - Many high school and college students couldn't celebrate 4 years of hard work the way they expected

Comparative Suffering

Another Episode of "Unlocking Us" that really struck me was a week before the one with David Kessler called Comparative Suffering, 50/50 myth, and settling the ball. In this podcast, the topic Brene talked about that stood out the most for me was comparative suffering and how it relates to the other things we grieve beyond death.

Brene Brown talks about comparison a lot in her work, because comparison is the root of a lot of our shame, and she is a shame researcher after all. In her book "Daring Greatly" she talks about how comparison comes from a culture of scarcity. We compare because we believe life is a zero sum game - if you have it, I can't, and vice versa. 

We compare good things in our life - homes, cars, family, kids, marriages - and even our suffering. When we compare suffering it normally comes in 1 of 2 forms:

1. Self Deprecating - "How can I worry about my family being sick? There are kids homeless right now!"
2. Others Deprecating - "How can you be upset about your graduation? People are dying!"

When our comparison is self deprecating, we diminish our own emotions. We act as if we are not allowed to feel how we feel because others are struggling (see the "zero sum" mentality at work? If you are suffering, I can't also suffer.)

When our comparison is others deprecating, we just throw the same issues onto someone else - we diminish their emotions and don't allow them to feel. Same issue, different side of the coin.

Comparative Suffering has no value. It devastates the ability for connection because comparison removes empathy. Comparative suffering removes the "permission to feel"* - either from ourselves or others.

Healthy Grief Responses

There are 3 main areas of healthy responses to grief I want to focus on:

1. Acknowledgement
2. Time
3. Compassion

Acknowledgement

In the same talk on Unlocking Us, David Kessler talks about how we need acknowledgement. Kessler talks about how we must witness grief. Grief requires acknowledgement. We need our grief to be seen and heard. This means one of the best things you can do for someone who is grieving is just sit with them, ask them how they are feeling, and let them share. If they need to cry, let them cry. If they need to laugh about old memories, laugh with them. If someone is willing to share their grief with you, all you need to do is be honored for the opportunity and acknowledge that. 

This also means that the acknowledgement must start with the one grieving. We must give our self the ability to acknowledge the pain we are going through. If we disregard it, often most others will too.

Time

"Time heals all wounds" or so they say. The more I experience and acknowledge my own grief, the more I understand what role time really plays in grief. 

The best analogy for grief and its relationship with time I have heard is "The Ball and The Box". (I can't find the exact source, but a good article about this, and whose image I use below, is https://psychcentral.com/blog/coping-with-grief-the-ball-the-box/)

If you look at the link, you can see more about this analogy, but the basic idea is that when we first experience grief, it is like a large ball and it's in a box with a "pain" button. Every time the ball hits the button, we feel pain. Over time, the ball gets smaller and smaller. The ball can bounce around a lot and never hit the button. However, it inevitably always will hit the button.

One phrase for hitting the button later I heard somewhere else (I can't quite remember where) is "grief bursts". Over time when the ball hits the button, we feel a burst of pain. It can last a while or just a fleeting moment. Having this name, "grief burst", has been helpful in my life and relationships to discuss what is going on.

Compassion

Finally, as we acknowledge our pain, we also must be compassionate to ourselves and others. 

One thing that often happens when someone is suffering is we tip toe around them like we are walking on egg shells. If someone loses a child, we may hesitate to talk about children. I have had people hesitate to talk about their fathers because of my loss as of late. 

In Daring Greatly, Brene quotes some of her researchers and what they share shook me. The 2 that stood out the most were:

• "Don't shrink away from the joy of your child because I lost mine"
• "When you honor what you have, you are honoring what I have lost"

This last part summed this up so well for me. If you only bad mouth something I have lost, then yes it will sting more. But if you honor it, if you rejoice for what you have, then you are honoring what I have lost, and that shows me compassion in my grief.

Conclusion

Some questions for you to reflect on this topic:

1. How have you responded to loss of a loved one? How did you grieve?
2. Have you compared something you are going through to someone else's suffering? Did you diminish their situation or your own? Why do you think that is?

Footnote:

* - "Permission To Feel" is a phrase I really latched onto from Marc Bracket's book by that title, "Permission To Feel". I heard him talk about it on Unlocking Us and it has resignated with me. This will probably become it's own article or multiple articles as I read more.