Grief...
A number of interesting people cross my path regularly in my various walks of life. Last week was no exception. I was waiting to be picked up by my wife when a very sweet woman walked by me and I said to her, “You have a great day for a walk.” Her response was something along the lines of, “Yes, but it could be better.”
I immediately picked up on the fact that something was really troubling her. She surprised me next by asking, “You’re Bob Elmer, aren’t you?” I answered in the affirmative and followed that with, “How do you know me?”
She shared that she had seen my picture in the paper and enjoyed reading this column. It was funny but I could sense a bond forming and I took the initiative to ask her if she was OK because she seemed troubled. She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and said, “I’ve lost my husband and I miss him terribly.” I expressed sympathy for her loss and asked how long he had been gone. Ten months was the answer and it was very clear that time had not healed this wound. I tried to console her by reminding her that this wonderful man she had spent 51 years with would not want her “going to pieces.” He’d want her to be strong and press on in a way that would make him proud. She was very appreciative of my supportive words and I even went so far as to ask her if I could give her a hug; with a huge smile she said yes. A warm embrace and a couple of encouraging words later, my ride arrived and she continued her walk.
That brief encounter had me thinking about those who are caring for those with Alzheimer’s dementia and how they would handle grief. After all, at-home caregivers get a double dose of it. The first is when they realize that the disease has stolen their loved one from them. Yes they’re still there physically but the loved one you enjoyed so many of life’s wonderful and not-so-wonderful experiences with is gone. They don’t remember you, your children, what they did for a living, where they grew up. For that matter they may not remember where the toilet is. Yes, it’s an insidious disease. At a support group meeting I facilitated, an attendee said, “My friend is gone.” I agreed. The disease had taken her old friend and left her with a new one.
Of course the next step is the grief one experiences when their loved one “goes on to their great reward.”
Grief is the process of reacting to a loss and can include shock, despair, social withdrawal, anger, guilt, denial, sadness and yes even relief…for them and their loved one who is finally at peace. It’s important to remember that feeling relief is normal and an acceptable response.
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There’s no timetable for one to move out of the grieving process, as it is a natural response. Unfortunately, it’s harder to deal with some individuals that may develop unhealthy behaviors as a result of grieving. They get careless about caring for themselves. They may develop problems with alcohol (a depressant), they may become anti-social and depressed. When this occurs, it’s time to call in the cavalry. A support group, their general practitioner, a bereavement counselor and even a psychologist can help in big ways.
At the risk of stating the obvious, if you come across someone in the grieving process, having lost a loved one to dementia, remember the following: They may have lost a soulmate, a companion, a friend they socialized with and so much more.
I’ll leave you with this from William Shakespeare: “Everyone can master a grief but he that has it.”
Questions? Email me at [email protected]. Join the Journey.